I am a sinner with a crooked smile

And you took to the rhythm of a no good liar.

Did I ever feel this way before? Maybe it's the same every time. But maybe it's different every time! I'd like to think it's different. That's why it's so exciting, right?

Maybe I should quit hanging around those who don't make me feel good about myself... But for some reason I want it. I want it to offset those who put me on a pedestal. I feel that I need the balance. I'm so fucking numb to all of it though. The compliments mean nothing. The insults mean nothing. None of it makes me feel anything. I don't hang around either of these extremes too often anymore. I spend time in the neutral middle lately.

My family makes me feel bad about myself sometimes though. I mean, that's what family is for, isn't it? I still see Max from time to time. Not often anymore, but they are aware. And every time I do, they tell me not to "use him." I'm not using him anymore. I've always tried to make it mutually beneficial. I fill up his gas tank and buy him lunch/dinner/food. I mean, we do things together. I'm not just asking him to do things for me and then scram. Oh, and when we have a family get together, they still ask me "Where's [Max]?" despite everyone being in on the breakup now. Everyone knows we aren't together anymore. When I tell them that I don't know where he is, they always follow up with "I like him. He's a great guy." Fuck, man. They only like him because I never told them the real reason the relationship ended. I always only told them some sort of blanket like "We just didn't get along." If they knew the whole truth, they would quit making me out to be the bad guy. So I hope somewhere out there, he appreciates that I protected his fucking reputation to my family because they demean the fuck out of me about it.

Nana almost ruined everything. Max was picking me up so we could go to a small show together since it was his last day of vacation, I thought I'd be nice and offer to hang out because I know he'd just be over the moon about it. And we had been getting along lately, you know, like, he wasn't freaking the fuck out on me anymore. So, I was upstairs finishing getting ready, and he was downstairs eating food that Nana offered him because that's what she does. I should have never left them alone together. On the way to the show, Max misunderstood something Nana said. He thought she said that Jack was giving me rides to work. Nana is the ONLY person who has ever given me a ride to and from work. But it scares me that she mentioned Jack to Max... Max isn't supposed to know! Jack picked me up from Nana's house ONE TIME to take me to Murfreesboro for school. Of course, I stayed the night at Jack's house every night that week, but no one needs to know that except Jack and I (and Matt since he is a roommate). Nana doesn't know my relationship with Jack or Max's animosity towards him. So, it was a harmless statement in her mind since she thinks Jack and I are just friends. (Well, I mean, aren't we just friends? With benefits...). But I corrected Max when he brought up and said Nana is the only person who has ever given me rides. I'm sure he thinks I was lying, but I really wasn't.

And I guess it wouldn't be too bad if Max knew about Jack. It would just shatter him though. I think I've hurt him enough. My business is mine alone, and I'm trying to keep it that way. People I've been involved with don't need to know about who I am involved with after them.

Um, unrelated, but...
I crave the attention. THIS attention. Not the general attention you think I crave from all men. I know I say this every time I feel this way but... I haven't felt this way in a long time. I just want to be all over you. I want it. But I'm so scared of ruining it. I'm not in too deep yet, but I don't know what to do. I can't have everything in this case, but we all know how much I despise decisions. This one can't be tricked but mostly doesn't deserve to be. Ughhhh. You'd think the decision would be obvious and easy, but NOTHING IS EVER EASY.

Scissors

So why does it always seem that every time I turn around somebody falls in love with me? This has never been my sole intention.

Starting to wonder if I even want to talk about things anymore.

I'm too tired to actually post, but I need to make a few bullets here so I don't forget for next time:

-Sony
-Party
-Jack... Eric... [new codename] Sam
-Locomotion
-Max
-Moving away and why I stay
-why my life is easy but also why it is hard


Save your scissors for someone else's skin. My surface is so tough, I do not think the blade would dig in. Save your strength. Save your wasted time.

Burning Bridges

I wish I'd been a little more careful with the things I chose to give away.

A window of opportunity has opened for me to start over, but it's a big leap, and I'm not sure if I could take it. The good news is I have time to sleep on it... And we all know how much I love sleep.

I never want to discuss possible plans unless they are set in stone. I don't want to talk about it unless it actually happens. But I'll say this: it's an opportunity for me to do something I've always dreamt of doing: Packing up and getting the fuck out of Dodge. Moving away to another state where no one can follow me. But, ya know, it's not really something I'm looking too much into right now. A month from now: who knows?

Sorry if I sound like a broken record, but the same god damn questions illicit the same god damn answers. I hate repeating myself. I really do.

Here's a conversation I'm having with somebody who's not Jack:

Him: But like why does being like physical with me stress you out?

Me:I'm not really a fan of casual sex. And if it's not casual, it's commitment, and I can't do commitment right now.

Him:Well fuck then let's just make it casual for right now.

Me:I want a casual platonic friendship. That's all I ever wanted.

Him:I can do that. Throw sex in the equation and honestly....I'd be fine with that

Me:But I don't want sex. Why is that so hard to understand?

This is getting me heated. I met him because I thought he was a cool guy. He was totally cool at first (they all are, aren't they?). I fucked up. I tried to fix it, but no one knows how to take "no" as an answer god dammit. Or in this case "no more."

If the timing is off, it will never be right.

His little redeeming moment is that he apparently read my message wrong where I said I'm NOT a fan of casual sex. He thought I was a fan... Still though. I've told him repeatedly that I don't want a physical relationship. I try to keep the friendship, but this one probably won't work out. I don't think this one is mendable.

If someone "can't be just friends" with me, then fuck 'em.

I've finally told him how I feel for hopefully the last time. It's a weight off my chest, but I still feel like shit. He just got too attached. He got too clingy. I couldn't handle it.

There's a reason I don't share my playlists with the people who inspired them... because they speak truths harsher than I ever could. But I made him one and sent it to him anyway because he insisted I send him a playlist... it's just not the "lovey dovey" kind of songs he wanted. He told me he's not going to listen to it. Fair enough. It's for anyway. They all only serve the purpose of feeding my emotional state at the time. I've already deleted it though.

Let's call him Eric. He doesn't really need a code name here because I probably won't be talking about him anymore as we've just had a falling out. All because I didn't want to let him in my pants. It goes deeper than that, but I'm pissed off, so that's what it is on the surface.

Oh... and now he's CALLING me. This always happens. Everyone I touch turns to obsessed.

Here's mine and Eric's brief history: We met on OKCupid. Yes, I have neglected to mention that I made a profile, the reason I did it, and the experiences that have ensued. That's all for later post. After texting for about three weeks, we met in person. It was so much fun. He's the one I posted those vague videos of singing to me a couple months ago. You know, things were great for awhile. I developed a little crush on him and he on me. We flirted. And, yes, I did sleep with him. That's where I went wrong. It wasn't just once either. It was a handful of times. If you remember back on my blog me being frustrated with myself, that's why. I put an end to it. I've tried to talk to him about it a few times. I told him I didn't want a physical relationship anymore. I changed my mind. I lost those short-lived feelings for him. Tonight, shit hit the fan when I told him that bluntly once and for all.

I have a headache. I can't just have a decent fucking friendship with anyone. And this is why I much prefer the company of girls and dogs lately.

Apply Some Pressure

I like to wait to see how things turn out if you apply some pressure.

I like Jack because there's no pressure. I don't think I've ever felt any kind of pressure from him. Not to be with him or sleep with him. Nothing.

I feel pressure from other people. So much pressure. It's hard to keep up appearances around them. It's hard to pretend like this is what I want. I don't know what I want, but I don't want this... I'm getting tired. I'm spread too thin. I'm overwhelmed.

It's getting harder to keep up with my lies, of which I've had a lot lately. I just want to make everyone happy all the time, and they take advantage of that. I don't think a lot of these people consider me. I tell them I'm busy, and then they make me feel guilty for not having time for them.

I testify to having guilty feelings. I must confess I'd like to be caught stealing.

I do feel guilty. And reasonably so! I'm too tired to get into right this moment, but if these people knew, they'd all hate me. Perhaps that would be for the best. I'm trying to keep my secrets from each other, but they're all too nearby...

I've pretty much decided (and I think I knew this all along) that I'm just going to let these things build up (and, hell, probably apply more pressure...) until at least August when I graduate. Ideally I'd like to start over, per se, and hopefully be able to leave a lot of these problems behind.

A thing about Jack though is that I feel like it is getting too real. When I go back to town for school, I stay at his house more often than my own. One night I was over there, and he was telling Matt some psycho thing his ex girlfriend was doing. And then he said another ex was also crazy. Matt said something along the lines of, "That's 3 for 3, all the girls you date are crazy... Hayley, are you crazy?" I responded "maybe." But, here's the over-analyzing girl part: are we dating? I never thought we were. I still don't think we are.

One morning over there (it may have been the very next morning from the previous anecdote), we were getting into his car so he could take me to school, and the conversation out the door was about a woman who has been trying to sleep with him for ages. She invited him (and Matt, I think) to some event/party something she was having. He said she included "Bring your girlfriend" and he followed with "So, I guess she has caught on."

So, I guess that's the nature of our relationship...

And, I don't know, I like Jack. I'm sure I'm so drawn to him because, for once, it seems like someone who doesn't like me more than I like them. Everyone else likes me way more (and obsessively) than I like them... they always have... Jack likes me, I guess. <--And that's my favorite part about it: I guess. For all I know, I'm just a good lay to him. But I don't feel so used, and he's a genuinely decent person.

I'm tired of keeping up appearances like I like someone else more than I do.

Sleeping Alone

I have a minute to write, but I don't have my thoughts together.

I stayed this weekend with Jack mostly. It was a pretty good weekend. It's always nice to spend time with him now because it's different, but it's comfortable. It's different because it's almost like we're in a relationship, but we're not. I don't act with him the way I do with someone I'm in a relationship with. It's more detached and less affectionate. And that's kind of what makes it nice because I'm not really in a good place right now to be in an actual relationship. As it is right now, I have no emotions, and that is becoming more apparent the deeper I get into this hole I'm digging in my life. It's comfortable because of the thing I said about him a couple posts ago. I know if I ever say "no," he will respect it. I typically don't say no to him though. I hate getting into specifics when it comes to intimate moments with people, but due to recent events, this fact about Jack makes him so much more appealing and comfortable to be around. It's also comfortable because, at this point, it's familiar. Most, if not all, of the awkwardness is gone by now.

(I started this post on Sunday and am finishing it now).

Lately I feel like I have no escape, and I really just want to be alone and sleep alone because that's as close I can get.

Baby, I've been sleeping alone, and you should try it. Since I've been alone, I like it.

I've always liked being alone. I'm reverting back into that more and more lately. I just don't want to be around people all the time. I talk to so many people every single day now, and it's exhausting. I have so many people pining for my time, and I'm trying so hard to please everyone. They never understand when I can't. I shouldn't feel guilty about it, but I do, which is why I try to give them what they want even if it's not what I want.

I'm having serious financial problems... I'm about to empty my bank account on rent this month. Max lent me $200 because I don't have nearly enough money in my bank account since rent is at its highest this month, the last month I'll ever have to pay here as I'm moving out at the end of it... I didn't ask him for the money. I was going to try to figure out how to use my credit card (can you get cashback at the store with a credit card? I don't know how to adult), but he sent me the money via PayPal when I casually told him about my plans on how to get the money... He has been doing a ton of things for me lately when I don't ask him for anything. I rarely ask him for rides anymore. I have barely seen him since school has been out... I have been especially mean to him when he freaks out on me, yet he is still trying so hard. Just another thing to make me feel guilty for being who I am.

People change. Maybe I've lost my way. I know a younger me wouldn't believe that I'd become the way I am, but doesn't that go for everyone?

I just realized that because this vague thing I won't talk about is making me feel this way, it's probably no good. It's just one thing, but it's a big thing. And I'm really not sure why I don't want to talk about it. It's nothing this blog has never heard from me before except that it's a new person, a new setting, and a whole new set of doubts. Most of them are generated from the overlapping that is occurring in my life, but it's also from my dishonesty and bad decisions and overwhelming guilt. It's all just bad timing like everything in my life.

I started my summer class today (yesterday if you're referring to the time stamp on this post). It's already 2am and I haven't done the homework that's due tomorrow. I'm already fucking up! I'm tired as hell, too, despite the super long nap I took after class.

My internship is going really well. I start my second internship in July! I'm excited about it. It feels good being a working and productive member of society, I guess. I'm mostly just glad I have somewhere to go all day that keeps my mind off of my personal life. Mostly, though, I like going where I feel needed and appreciated. I've learned that I'm the stereotypical "I choose my career over relationships" girl, and I'm okay with that. It makes me feel validated; whereas, interpersonal relationships make me feel empty.