A window of opportunity has opened for me to start over, but it's a big leap, and I'm not sure if I could take it. The good news is I have time to sleep on it... And we all know how much I love sleep.
I never want to discuss possible plans unless they are set in stone. I don't want to talk about it unless it actually happens. But I'll say this: it's an opportunity for me to do something I've always dreamt of doing: Packing up and getting the fuck out of Dodge. Moving away to another state where no one can follow me. But, ya know, it's not really something I'm looking too much into right now. A month from now: who knows?
Sorry if I sound like a broken record, but the same god damn questions illicit the same god damn answers. I hate repeating myself. I really do.
Here's a conversation I'm having with somebody who's not Jack:
Him: But like why does being like physical with me stress you out?
Me:I'm not really a fan of casual sex. And if it's not casual, it's commitment, and I can't do commitment right now.
Him:Well fuck then let's just make it casual for right now.
Me:I want a casual platonic friendship. That's all I ever wanted.
Him:I can do that. Throw sex in the equation and honestly....I'd be fine with that
Me:But I don't want sex. Why is that so hard to understand?
This is getting me heated. I met him because I thought he was a cool guy. He was totally cool at first (they all are, aren't they?). I fucked up. I tried to fix it, but no one knows how to take "no" as an answer god dammit. Or in this case "no more."
If the timing is off, it will never be right.
His little redeeming moment is that he apparently read my message wrong where I said I'm NOT a fan of casual sex. He thought I was a fan... Still though. I've told him repeatedly that I don't want a physical relationship. I try to keep the friendship, but this one probably won't work out. I don't think this one is mendable.
If someone "can't be just friends" with me, then fuck 'em.
I've finally told him how I feel for hopefully the last time. It's a weight off my chest, but I still feel like shit. He just got too attached. He got too clingy. I couldn't handle it.
There's a reason I don't share my playlists with the people who inspired them... because they speak truths harsher than I ever could. But I made him one and sent it to him anyway because he insisted I send him a playlist... it's just not the "lovey dovey" kind of songs he wanted. He told me he's not going to listen to it. Fair enough. It's for anyway. They all only serve the purpose of feeding my emotional state at the time. I've already deleted it though.
Let's call him Eric. He doesn't really need a code name here because I probably won't be talking about him anymore as we've just had a falling out. All because I didn't want to let him in my pants. It goes deeper than that, but I'm pissed off, so that's what it is on the surface.
Oh... and now he's CALLING me. This always happens. Everyone I touch turns to obsessed.
Here's mine and Eric's brief history: We met on OKCupid. Yes, I have neglected to mention that I made a profile, the reason I did it, and the experiences that have ensued. That's all for later post. After texting for about three weeks, we met in person. It was so much fun. He's the one I posted those vague videos of singing to me a couple months ago. You know, things were great for awhile. I developed a little crush on him and he on me. We flirted. And, yes, I did sleep with him. That's where I went wrong. It wasn't just once either. It was a handful of times. If you remember back on my blog me being frustrated with myself, that's why. I put an end to it. I've tried to talk to him about it a few times. I told him I didn't want a physical relationship anymore. I changed my mind. I lost those short-lived feelings for him. Tonight, shit hit the fan when I told him that bluntly once and for all.
I have a headache. I can't just have a decent fucking friendship with anyone. And this is why I much prefer the company of girls and dogs lately.
No comments:
Post a Comment