Sleeping Alone

I have a minute to write, but I don't have my thoughts together.

I stayed this weekend with Jack mostly. It was a pretty good weekend. It's always nice to spend time with him now because it's different, but it's comfortable. It's different because it's almost like we're in a relationship, but we're not. I don't act with him the way I do with someone I'm in a relationship with. It's more detached and less affectionate. And that's kind of what makes it nice because I'm not really in a good place right now to be in an actual relationship. As it is right now, I have no emotions, and that is becoming more apparent the deeper I get into this hole I'm digging in my life. It's comfortable because of the thing I said about him a couple posts ago. I know if I ever say "no," he will respect it. I typically don't say no to him though. I hate getting into specifics when it comes to intimate moments with people, but due to recent events, this fact about Jack makes him so much more appealing and comfortable to be around. It's also comfortable because, at this point, it's familiar. Most, if not all, of the awkwardness is gone by now.

(I started this post on Sunday and am finishing it now).

Lately I feel like I have no escape, and I really just want to be alone and sleep alone because that's as close I can get.

Baby, I've been sleeping alone, and you should try it. Since I've been alone, I like it.

I've always liked being alone. I'm reverting back into that more and more lately. I just don't want to be around people all the time. I talk to so many people every single day now, and it's exhausting. I have so many people pining for my time, and I'm trying so hard to please everyone. They never understand when I can't. I shouldn't feel guilty about it, but I do, which is why I try to give them what they want even if it's not what I want.

I'm having serious financial problems... I'm about to empty my bank account on rent this month. Max lent me $200 because I don't have nearly enough money in my bank account since rent is at its highest this month, the last month I'll ever have to pay here as I'm moving out at the end of it... I didn't ask him for the money. I was going to try to figure out how to use my credit card (can you get cashback at the store with a credit card? I don't know how to adult), but he sent me the money via PayPal when I casually told him about my plans on how to get the money... He has been doing a ton of things for me lately when I don't ask him for anything. I rarely ask him for rides anymore. I have barely seen him since school has been out... I have been especially mean to him when he freaks out on me, yet he is still trying so hard. Just another thing to make me feel guilty for being who I am.

People change. Maybe I've lost my way. I know a younger me wouldn't believe that I'd become the way I am, but doesn't that go for everyone?

I just realized that because this vague thing I won't talk about is making me feel this way, it's probably no good. It's just one thing, but it's a big thing. And I'm really not sure why I don't want to talk about it. It's nothing this blog has never heard from me before except that it's a new person, a new setting, and a whole new set of doubts. Most of them are generated from the overlapping that is occurring in my life, but it's also from my dishonesty and bad decisions and overwhelming guilt. It's all just bad timing like everything in my life.

I started my summer class today (yesterday if you're referring to the time stamp on this post). It's already 2am and I haven't done the homework that's due tomorrow. I'm already fucking up! I'm tired as hell, too, despite the super long nap I took after class.

My internship is going really well. I start my second internship in July! I'm excited about it. It feels good being a working and productive member of society, I guess. I'm mostly just glad I have somewhere to go all day that keeps my mind off of my personal life. Mostly, though, I like going where I feel needed and appreciated. I've learned that I'm the stereotypical "I choose my career over relationships" girl, and I'm okay with that. It makes me feel validated; whereas, interpersonal relationships make me feel empty.

In too Deep

I want to talk about so many things, but I'm scared.

I'm in too deep, and I'm only making it worse.

I'm spreading myself too thin.

What's going to happen when they find out?

What's going to happen when this all blows up on me?

I just want to please everyone.

I still maintain that I have no idea what I'm doing

I wasn't expecting this, but I guess it was only a matter of time. Mostly, I wonder what incited it, and sometimes I fear that more people know about this place than I am aware of.

Something I was thinking about last night

I've met yet another guy who thinks "no" means "convince me." He more than asked, he tried. Not forcefully, mind you. Just trying to be "smooth." I held my ground. Sometimes I'm worried I won't. Sometimes I cave just so they'll quit pestering me. I know that only rewards the behavior, and I am part of the problem.

I've always felt Jack didn't completely respect women, but god damn if he doesn't understand the meaning of a no. Jack is the only person I've never had to fight off. The only person I've never had to repeatedly say no to. The only person who respected my wishes the first time without question. When you're met with a no, you don't respond with "why." "No." is a full sentence and doesn't require an explanation. I'd like to thank Jack for that, but I wouldn't want to explain why he deserves the thanks.

Jack was almost willing to drive all the way up here to pick me up and take me back to Murfreesboro tonight. Almost. I told him how long the drive was, and he said it was too far. For the record, he drives a classic car that gets 9 miles to the gallon, so it would be an expensive trip.

I wasn't going to go there just to hang out with him. That would be part of it, yes, but I need to get some things from my house, and there are things that need to be done there.

I feel like this post requires me to talk about this new guy. He's fine in every other regard. In fact, we vibe extremely well. Like that last time I vibed this well with anybody right off the bat was when I first started dating Max. I'm not dating this guy, but I've been extremely comfortable around him since the second we met, and I think it's a wavelength. Do I like him? Yeah. He's absolutely my exact type as a matter of fact. But I've already seen some red flags as indicated from the first part of this post, and I feel a sense of physical incompatibility. Maybe my heart's just not into it. Maybe I'm just not ready for something like that. That's not a maybe, that's a definitely. I'll assign him a codename on this blog later, but that's all you need to know for now.

This new guy wanted me to stay with him in Murfreesboro tonight, too. He was more than willing to make the drive. But I just... I can't, dude.

You're Not the Only One

I house sat for Nikki this weekend. It was cool. I kept her animals fed.

I'm still debating whether I should tell you certain things... There are new things happening. There's obviously new people.

I'm still waiting for anyone to hang out with me without having sex on the back of his mind.

And I think I'm realizing my tendencies towards body dysmorphia. I mean that in the most minor sense possible. I don't see anything bad; I just don't see what you see, and I don't think I ever will. I don't like the attention that I receive—at least not where it's focused.

I have fantasies of accidents that will dismember my face or my body. And that's the most private thing I'm willing to admit right now. And I feel terrible about all of it.

I don't like a lot of things right now. Even during the good things, I have lapses of severe doubt and asking myself, "What am I doing?" I got asked repeatedly "Are you okay?" yesterday, and I didn't know what kind of not-okay vibes I was giving off.

And I hate that I have a certain effect on people, and they can't turn it off... I can't turn it off!

I just hope this summer ends well.