Used

I haven't updated for two reasons: 1) I've been ridiculously busy every single day and there has been a lot going on, which leads me to 2) the amount of things I need to talk about is so overwhelming and will take me so long to write, that I've been putting it off. The problem with putting off is that the list just gets longer every day (because discussionable things have been happening everyday). Discussionable is not a word, but I'm too tired to think of a real one that gets the same point across.

I swear I'm going to update here soon. I need to.

One thing I want to touch on real quick, though, is this: As cliche as it is to say, I am so tired of being this object. I sent this to Michael the other night:

Lately, due to recent events (rather, months-long events now), I have perceived myself as a different person. And in my mind, I feel like I'm more open to those things. But when those things seem like they can become a reality, I find myself second-guessing and not as comfortable with the idea of actually following through with them. So, at the time I wrote that post, I thought, "Yeah, probably." But when I realized you would see it, I didn't want you to have the same thoughts because somehow that would solidify it, and I didn't want that kind of pressure or elephant in the room.

At my core, I am not this person I have perceived. I know I temporarily, at least mentally, became this deviant. And, for a minute, I'd say it made me feel empowered. But as it has progressed, I've grown more and more uncomfortable with, essentially, what I've become. I am glad, however, that I didn't let it go as far as I felt it was going to go. I'm always thinking about everything all the time, especially introspectively. It's the idealist in me, the part of me that's separated from reality, but I always see myself as these characters in my head. And for a minute I was the confident, anything-goes The Rebel, The Ruler... And I know it was all a reaction to my sadness. I, for the most part, know how the world works, but I get disillusioned so very easily.

When I was in a more fiery mindset, I talked to people I shouldn't have in ways I definitely shouldn't have. And now, they perceive me as that temporary person that I was. And now they expect things from me that my current character doesn't want to deliver. And now... these expectations make me feel empty.

I'm going to see Circa Survive and Balance & Composure tomorrow. I'm going with N because he is the only other person I know who is really into Circa. The problem is that he seems to expect it to be more than a friendly hangout at a show. I appreciate that he is blunt about his thoughts because it allows me to be blunt right back. He was explicitly asking about the possibility of what might happen when we are together, and I directly told him it isn't going to happen. I know after the show it's going to be very late, and I know I'm going to have to stay up even later to get last-minute schoolwork done. But on top of all of that, I just don't want to.

And you know what else? Matt's sister came over (for Cage's memorial, which I'll talk more about in my next post), and Jack told me that she had asked him afterward if I was Jack's "bootycall." I don't know how he answered the question, but I'm assuming it was an affirmative. Honestly, I don't care. It just makes me feel exactly what I am: used.

Lately, I prefer and, more importantly, desire the company of girls.

(I'm sorry this reads so pretentiously - some weird writing mood that I'm in).

I want to sleep without dreaming

I just closed my eyes, and my mind went everywhere .

I'm overwhelmed with almost every aspect of my life, and it's keeping me up.

I'm not sure if what I've been doing is good for me or bad. On the one hand, it keeps me grounded. It knocks my head out of the fucking clouds. It gives ne clarity.

On the other hand, the enlightenment makes me realize things that make me feel like dirt. It confuses me and pisses me off and fills me with so many negative emotions. I'm sure I'll turn them into fuel, but, for now, they ferment.

And I want to be more specific. I want to tell you exactly what I'm talking about, but The Fear always holds me back. It always keeps me from revealing too much. I just always have my ways of discoveringthe truth, but sometimes it becomes an addiction. I already know the truth at this point, but I crave more, so I can't stop myself. And that comes with its own slew of negative emotions, mainly guilt.

It's almost 5am, and I just needed to get that out. I wrote this from my phone, which is hard to do with blogger. So many things about this site are not mobile-friendly...

I swear I will update about this crazy week soon.

2015 has been a long year already.

Sometimes Shitty

I'm tired of this making me feel like shit.

- - -

Well, redemption was made this time. I guess. I don't know how I feel about things anymore (except when I feel shitty about things...).

There has been so much going on. These last few days have been crazy, and I'm guess I'm just thankful that school is out for the week because I don't know how I'd be able to handle going to class on top of all of this.

Drunk and sad

I'm drunk at the moment, so why not write a drunk post?

I went to this medieval-themed restaurant with my friend Michelle (after we went to the dog park). While we were waiting for a place to sit, this guy came up and talked to us. In my mind, I immediately commended him for his bravery and for his effort to approach two girls and talk to them. But by the end of our convo, he plugged his home-brewing club and I was so relieved. Instead of asking for either of our numbers, he just let us know he was a part of this club. I had a glass of black raspberry meade and a glass of apricot cider, and I did not know I would be this drunk after two drinks. That guy and his friend gave us a sampling of some pink drink they had brewed. Maybe they said what it was but I was too wasted to remember. It was good though. I told him I'd like his page on Facebook, so I really did.

Michelle texted Jack on my behalf asking him what he was wearing and whatnot. When I got home, his car was here, but neither he or my roommate was here. I messaged him asking where everybody was and they are AT MARCIA'S playing monopoly apparently. I am upset about him being at Marcia's, and having no inhibitions, I told him "I'm just going to go to bed then." He responded, "I'll see you tomorrow" and I said "Have fun."

I don't know... I want him to know I'm upset because I am... I'm gonna be completely honest here, I wish I could just go hang out or even hook up with someone else that would make him jealous. But for now I'm just drunk and sad, so I'm going to go to bed probably.

N is driving through town tomorrow, and we're going to hang out. I have other things to talk about but it's too long and I'm sleepy.

You had friends in Tennessee and you had a friend in me.

I never thought I'd be ringing in the new year with someone who wouldn't make it to the next.

I've talked about Cage here before. He took his own life the other night.

I'm still very numb to this whole thing, and I'm not sure if I ever won't be.

When he moved to Tennessee he was my roommate for a few months. One time I baked cookies for the roommates. I texted it to everyone but not him because I didn't have his number yet. He was the first one to come home, and when he saw the massive amount of cookies on the counter, he looked at me and said, "Do you take hugs as payment?" And he hugged me.

One time my ex and I had planned a trip to Nashville because my ex had to pick up an amp from a guy he knew. He invited Cage along so I wouldn't be alone in Nashville, and that was a great idea because Cage and I ended up walking around Nashville for a good 3 or more hours while my ex basically abandoned us. We went into the Nashville convention center, which was a ghost town on the inside. We went in the back in the kitchens, but I didn't want to get in trouble (lol), so we left. He stole a fancy cloth napkin and wore it around his head like a bandana, and that was the beginning of his bandana fashion statement. He always wore bandanas after that day.

Another time I won tickets to see Colin Mochrie and Brad Sherwood Two Man Group live improv show. Cage went with me and we had a great time. It was so much fun, and I'm glad he was the one who got to go with me.

After he didn't live with me anymore, I would babysit his dog on weekends when he'd travel to conferences.

When he attended my college for a semester, I hung out with him and helped him get his "Free Speech Wall" started for his Students for Liberty group, of which he was the Vice President. He had a ton of fun doing that. He loved letting people say whatever they want (even the bad things - especially the bad things) on that wall.

I spent my new year watching movies with him and Jack and drinking a little. We always had a good time together. I can't think of a single time when we didn't.

There was that awkward time we kissed, but we never talked about it, it never happened again, and it never made things weird between us.

There are lots of stories, and I've talked about many of them here on this blog.

He had attempted to hang and cut himself when he was still living in Tennessee. Two weeks before moving to Texas. The hospital only held him for one day and released him the next. Probably because he didn't have any kind of insurance. I don't feel like anyone took him seriously. I feel like most of his friends made him feel bad and dumb about himself. Even when he died, their response was, "That stupid idiot." They didn't mean it. That's just how they cope. They, like myself, are genuinely shocked and saddened and really fucking hurt by this.

He liked my art skills and requested a copy of a poster I made for class once. He also always came to me for logos for his many business ideas. He believed in my abilities, and from the little eulogies I've read on his Facebook page, he believed in and supported so many people. I wish he had seen that so many believed in and supported him. I wish he knew how loved he is, but it's too late. I wish he had reached out one last time...

Stay. Please don't go. I'll eat you up! I love you so!