Yeah, sure.

a) I have a problem saying no
b) If he's hanging out with me, then I know who he's with
c) Never seem too eager (especially if you're not)

I guess I can be possessive at times. I know that.

Time away is not time off

Neither of my classes got canceled today. I can't believe it! There's still ice everywhere. I skipped my morning class anyway. I didn't do it to sleep more. I actually woke up at around 6:45am, and Jack had me back at my house by 7:30. Class starts at 8 and there's a 30-minute window at the beginning, so actually it starts at 8:30. I had plenty of time to go, but I had made up my mind the night before not to go and it was 3-god-damn-degrees this morning!

- - -

As it turns out, both my classes were canceled when so few people showed up. I showed up to my second class, but less than half the class was there, so my professor canceled. Hell yeah!

Now I've got this super extensive proposal to write/design/work on, and I have a tired headache. I don't know if you know what I'm talking about. It's a weird specific headache from being tired. Buckley destroyed both of my bottles of iron (I came home with pills strewn across the floor), so I threw it all away, and I haven't taken iron in about 2 weeks. I'm getting perpetually tired again and I really need to do something about it soon. It makes me so much more unproductive than I already am.

I took a very brief nap and had a dream that my roommate said our rent would be $70 more (per person) next month. I almost had a heart attack in my sleep haha. Since Logan moved out, my rent was $480 this month, so add and $70 it would be $550. I can barely afford to live here anymore as it is, which is a third of the reason I'm moving out (the other two-thirds being to get away from here/these people and to go wherever my internship takes me).

I guess today wasn't too eventful. Not much else to talk about. All I ever do is talk about Jack, and I didn't see him today. Someday I'll find someone else to talk about, and then we can start all over again!

Wanna make it interesting?

Reinstated

There's a nice soft layer of snow on top of the hard layer of ice covering everything outside. It's pretty.

P called me at 3 this morning. He had to have been drunk, but I couldn't tell. He claimed he wasn't drunk, but that's no indicator at all. He left me a voicemail the first time he called because I didn't answer. My phone was on silent. He called again a bit later, and I answered. He said he was calling me to make himself feel better. He was in bed and had had a long night. He told me all about it. After we hung up, I listened to the voicemail and it said, "I miss you. I love you. Bye."

I told him he was cute and then went to bed.

Jack may have been serious about his car. He was here this morning and his car battery is charging in my living room right now. He's in his other car, which isn't equipped for this weather, but I guuuuess I'll take his word for it for now. He's story was convincing enough haha.

I'm going to stay the night at his apartment again tonight because what the hell. Apparently we are going out to eat for Matt's birthday. That should be fun.

I got an email saying the university will reopen tomorrow. I'm not going to go to my morning class because I'm about 90% sure that it will be canceled because my teacher lives in a small county where the roads get bad. She already canceled class once earlier in the semester because of the prospect of bad roads, so hopefully she cancels while the roads are actually still bad.

Can't stop even if I wanted to

I'll try my best. How much do I invest?

So, yesterday and today there was no school because we are currently experiencing an ice storm. I spent the night at Jack's apartment last night. Matt is staying with him for the time being because they are about to get a place together. I had fun hanging out with them. I had Limoncello and they drank beer and we watched stuff on Netflix. That present Jack got me was a bandana, which is is nice. It's a small thing, and he was basically repaying me for one that he "took" from me. Really, I let him use it and never asked for it back.

I made him a personalized card for his birthday and also as a way of paying him back in a sense. So, anyone who saw that Frankenstein thing I made, it was for Jack. I'm really proud of the card. It looks really good in my opinion. I'm putting my graphic design skills to use!

Speaking of graphic design... I really need to start applying for internships right NOW. I won't be able to graduate in August if I don't get an internship over the summer, and summer internship deadlines are very fast approaching...

I've been texting P regularly, and last night I told him I was staying the night at a friend's apartment. I didn't tell him anymore details than that because that's not anyone's business. So, he texted me sometime during the night and asked "What are you doing?" And when I didn't respond, he followed up with, "Geez, hangin with boys! Not tellin me! I'm gonna have an aneurysm lol." I lied to him and told him I was with girls. I woke up this morning to his replies as follows:

"Lol I figured I just like to show I care
I can't play the paranoid bf?
I basically am without the title lol"

I replied, "Lol you were paranoid when we were dating! And that's because you were dating someone else at the same time."

That must have upset him because he hasn't responded all day. Look, don't dish it out if you can't take it. I'm gonna fucking go there.

I have this terrible habit of forgiving people for past actions and then never letting them live it down, so I guess they are never really forgiven. I will take certain grudges to my grave, and I don't care how unhealthy that is for me. I'm honestly not bitter about what P did anymore. It's so far in the past now that it no longer affects me. I probably would have truly forgiven him and never brought it back up again if he had apologized for what he had done, but I never got an apology. And I know forgiveness doesn't always have to wait for an apology, but whatever. Sometimes you just have to own up to what you have done. I'm sure I'm going to have to do it sooner than later with everything I've been doing lately.

I mean, I try to see everything from both sides. I try not to be a hypocrite. That's why I'm not longer angry at Jack. I mean, yes, if he brings Marcia over to my house again or any other girl for that matter, I will be upset. But I was, in a sense, doing the same thing. I didn't take it as far as he did, but I do occasionally flirt with old flames or current crushes. It's harmless in my opinion. It wouldn't be harmless if I weren't single, but I'm not actually actively trying to sleep with all these people.

And I don't know why P feels like he's basically my unofficial boyfriend. I can think of three people off the top of my head who probably think that, and he has less reason to believe it than the others. I mean, I'm only physical with one person, and I'm pretty sure we're both very clear that there is no commitment involved.

So I'm anxiously waiting on the edge of my seat to see if they'll cancel school tomorrow. I really hope they do because I'd like to use the free time to get things done as far as my portfolio goes. And I don't want to be in class til 6pm tomorrow... Until then I'm going to work on this homework I have that can be turned in online.

- - - - -

Jack said he was coming back later tonight. He said multiple times, "I'll see you tonight." But he never showed up (this is becoming a pattern). I honestly wasn't sitting here expecting him or anything. I wasn't waiting around. I sent him a funny picture on FB, and he responded with "I'll come over tomorrow." He didn't even say anything about the hilarious picture! And I never said anything about him not coming over (I never do). So, I said, "Mmkay. I don't have school!" And he proceeded to explain that his car broke down. I don't believe it. And since I believe it is a lie, I kept asking questions about it to make him talk about it more. He said it broke down as soon as he parked it at his apartment. I responded, "How convenient."

I'm sure he was just with Marcia instead. Or anyone else. And if that is the case, then I don't see why he feels the need to lie to me. If you're not asked about it, don't bring it up! That's it! You got away with it! Pat yourself on the back and sleep easy at night because you're a real sly fox and have won.

Oh, yeah I don't have school again tomorrow. This has been a pretty great week.

Over a year and not over it

I miss Taz so much it hurts.



Every now and then I'll think about him and get this overwhelming wave of emotion. I can't handle it. Going through pictures of him kinda helped though.


- - - - - - - -

Jack says he got me a small present. I won't know what it is until I see him tomorrow night, but the idea kinda freaks me out. I told him I didn't do anything to deserve a present and he said he saw it and thought I'd like it. I know I've said before the greatest compliment is when someone says they "thought of you" or were "reminded of you" or anything along those lines. It's nice. But I have been trying so hard to detach from Jack, and convincing myself that he doesn't give a shit about me is a fundamental piece to that process...