Marcia, Marcia, Marcia

I started school back yesterday. I feel like it's going to be a good semester. My big class for my major is going to be a hell of a ride though...

But of course I don't want to talk about that right now; I want to talk about the juicy stuff.

Jack and I were in my room watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off (typically we just put on movies for background noise), when that girl from my last post came over. I'm going to call her "Marcia." Marcia was hanging out with my roommate cuz they had just gotten back from the gym or something. She and Jack had been playing Trivia Crack earlier. He, of course, initiated all of that by sending her an invite. So anyway, we knew they were back from the gym because we heard them talking in the kitchen. Jack and I had sex, and I always feel weird doing it in my room when other people are home because my bed is loud and the walls are so thin. So thin! But whatever. As soon as it was over, he got dressed and went in the other room to hang out with them. Now, he did promise to play Smash Bros with my roommate, so I guess he was just sticking to that. But I decided not to be social and stay in my room. Marcia and I have never really connected anyway, and I've never had much desire to be friends with her (I'm sure she feels the same about me). No animosity... more like disinterest.

So, for some reason, that kinda got me down. I thought that was it for the night. But he did come back in my room eventually and hung out with me and Buckley.* (He's so good to my dog -- I can't deny I adore it). I guess that redeemed him a bit.

I would be lying if I said I didn't know why jealousy was coming into play with whatever this thing is I have with Jack. Jealousy has never been an issue for me in my romantic relationships. It's because with my exes, I never felt like they appealed to a large number of women. I don't mean that in a bad way and I'm not calling them ugly. I just thought they were specifically attractive to me. I just never worried about other women. But with Jack, he is just a super attractive guy who has all kinds of women wanting him. And, frankly, he can have these women if he wants. He could be with whoever he wants. And I mean he's allowed to do that at this moment in time. It just blows my mind that he keeps coming back to me. Even if this never turns into a relationship - I will never see what he sees in me.

I wonder why in your eyes you choose me to exist.

For the first time in my life, I am "with" somebody who I feel like is completely out of my league. I think that's why I never bothered to look at him in this light when I first met him. I never bothered to mind his attractiveness because "us" was just not a possibility whatsoever. I've realized that this is why he makes me feel so insecure. I mean, he doesn't, but the idea of him does. And, oh, do I feel insecure. This is part of the reason I can't seem to open up to him. Not to mention the uncertainty of what this is and where it's going; his intention; my indecisiveness; and my deliberate emotional wall.

With everything, I guess we'll just continue to see where this goes. It's going so slowly (a nice change of pace, actually), but it's going somewhere.

*I have completely forgotten to tell the story behind my new baby.

Colleging

Being an adult is having a conversation with your roommate right after having sex and you both know that he knows that you just had sex because he could hear everything. Not as awkward as I thought it would be!

My roommate knows about us now, but I don't think I was ready for him to know in THAT MUCH DETAIL lol. It's just hard to be quiet and the walls are SO THIN. Oh well.

I have class in the morning. Gotta wake up in 6 hours.

I see you looking at my blog

My post are getting views lately. Who is seeing them? WHO ARE YOU?!

Opyeons

Nope, having doubts again.

Gonna do what I WANT! (and who)... TMI?

I don't know. There just this girl that I KNOW he likes. And all my male friends who know her seem to like her too. She is a pretty girl, not conventionally, but she is. She's just so dumb though... He and her aren't even friends, but (fuck me for reading too far into it) they sure interact a lot via social media, and he usually initiates it. And they were both over at my house at the same time a couple weeks ago, and I can just tell.

Perhaps they should just hook up (or already have). I'll still keep all my options open.

I don't know why I can't accept it one way or the other and constantly changing my mind. I mean, he was here today. We hung out for a minute. He went home because he's sick. And almost as soon as he left, she came over. She's hanging out with my roommate because they are good friends. Friends for her, my roommate would date her in a heartbeat I'm sure.

Bah, I'm just rambling. He gave me all his attention when he was here, and, for that, I should be grateful. But at what cost?

If I'm gonna fall in love

It's gotta be more than just enough.

It's not that I'm not ready...

I'm not sure if I am ready, which probably means I'm not, but I think I could handle it.

I'm pretty sure I was all wrong about it all. I mean, I'm like 98% positive. I'll give myself that 2% margin of error (is that margin of error? I don't know...), in case it all blows up on me. I'll allow that.

I'm just in a mood tonight...

I want it. It's not that I'm not ready, it's just that I have things to deal with first. I'm not sure when it's going to happen, but I'm thinking it probably will (I just don't want to be concrete about anything...). I'll quit being vague: I just miss the little things. The little happy feelings from having someone around. The cute things. I am ready for another relationship. Jack has, so far, proved to be pretty serious about me and me only. Every time I leave town, he asks when I am coming back - multiple times.

I'm gonna take my time and make sure that the feeling's right instead of staying up all night wondering where you are. Miles and miles away in a town in another state, I wanna know if you just can't take the thought of us apart.

He is at my house way too often to even have the time to be seeing anyone else. People are finding out about us. Like, people who are close to us. His friends and my roommates mostly. We were being secretive about it at first, but now I guess we don't care that they know? I don't really care anymore and he doesn't seem to either. I don't know if any of this is any indication that it's serious, but I am here experiencing it in person, and my gut isn't usually wrong.

And now that I realize that he's all about me, it makes me a little uncomfortable. I mean, it all goes back to: why me? I can't help compare myself to his exes (you know I've creeped them all). They're all so pretty and cute and adorable and interesting. What does he see in me? Is it because I was just already here? I have wondered that but shot it down for other reasons. He doesn't seem like the type to do something just because it's easy or just because it's there. I wasn't even single when he started pursuing me. I wasn't even giving him the time of DAY when he started pursuing me. And now that he has gotten what he wanted, many times, (at least what I thought he wanted), he comes around and doesn't even expect sex half the time. We hang out A LOT now without having sex. He'll ask if I want to come over, pick me, take me back to his place, and we fall asleep on the couch. You know, just for my company, I guess. I'm on my period right now, and told him that, which usually means no sex. He suggested sex regardless because he is totally okay and fine with that, but I said no because I am not okay and fine with that (why am I more grossed out by it than he is?). Then again, he is more matured and experienced than I am (is it weird to say that?), and has done that before. Anyway, despite that, he still has been coming over everyday, and we hang out and watch movies and eat dinner.

It's just that in the beginning, I put up my wall. I blocked him emotionally because I didn't know what was going to become of this. If it was just a hit it and quit it, a friends with benefits, if I was only one of many, or just something that would sizzle out... I didn't want to get attached. You know, I kinda failed at that, but the wall is only half down. I think about him a lot, and I do like him, and I get excited every time I see him. But that's all internal. Because I put up the wall in the beginning, it's hard to take it down now. I have been very detached and not open through this, and I'm only just opening up. I guess it's weird because with Max I was open from the beginning. It was so easy and comfortable with him. With Jack, I have to ease into it. It's a mixture of being broken from Max before him and just not knowing him well enough to trust him immediately.

So, I think I'm finally ready to move forward.