Opyeons

Nope, having doubts again.

Gonna do what I WANT! (and who)... TMI?

I don't know. There just this girl that I KNOW he likes. And all my male friends who know her seem to like her too. She is a pretty girl, not conventionally, but she is. She's just so dumb though... He and her aren't even friends, but (fuck me for reading too far into it) they sure interact a lot via social media, and he usually initiates it. And they were both over at my house at the same time a couple weeks ago, and I can just tell.

Perhaps they should just hook up (or already have). I'll still keep all my options open.

I don't know why I can't accept it one way or the other and constantly changing my mind. I mean, he was here today. We hung out for a minute. He went home because he's sick. And almost as soon as he left, she came over. She's hanging out with my roommate because they are good friends. Friends for her, my roommate would date her in a heartbeat I'm sure.

Bah, I'm just rambling. He gave me all his attention when he was here, and, for that, I should be grateful. But at what cost?

If I'm gonna fall in love

It's gotta be more than just enough.

It's not that I'm not ready...

I'm not sure if I am ready, which probably means I'm not, but I think I could handle it.

I'm pretty sure I was all wrong about it all. I mean, I'm like 98% positive. I'll give myself that 2% margin of error (is that margin of error? I don't know...), in case it all blows up on me. I'll allow that.

I'm just in a mood tonight...

I want it. It's not that I'm not ready, it's just that I have things to deal with first. I'm not sure when it's going to happen, but I'm thinking it probably will (I just don't want to be concrete about anything...). I'll quit being vague: I just miss the little things. The little happy feelings from having someone around. The cute things. I am ready for another relationship. Jack has, so far, proved to be pretty serious about me and me only. Every time I leave town, he asks when I am coming back - multiple times.

I'm gonna take my time and make sure that the feeling's right instead of staying up all night wondering where you are. Miles and miles away in a town in another state, I wanna know if you just can't take the thought of us apart.

He is at my house way too often to even have the time to be seeing anyone else. People are finding out about us. Like, people who are close to us. His friends and my roommates mostly. We were being secretive about it at first, but now I guess we don't care that they know? I don't really care anymore and he doesn't seem to either. I don't know if any of this is any indication that it's serious, but I am here experiencing it in person, and my gut isn't usually wrong.

And now that I realize that he's all about me, it makes me a little uncomfortable. I mean, it all goes back to: why me? I can't help compare myself to his exes (you know I've creeped them all). They're all so pretty and cute and adorable and interesting. What does he see in me? Is it because I was just already here? I have wondered that but shot it down for other reasons. He doesn't seem like the type to do something just because it's easy or just because it's there. I wasn't even single when he started pursuing me. I wasn't even giving him the time of DAY when he started pursuing me. And now that he has gotten what he wanted, many times, (at least what I thought he wanted), he comes around and doesn't even expect sex half the time. We hang out A LOT now without having sex. He'll ask if I want to come over, pick me, take me back to his place, and we fall asleep on the couch. You know, just for my company, I guess. I'm on my period right now, and told him that, which usually means no sex. He suggested sex regardless because he is totally okay and fine with that, but I said no because I am not okay and fine with that (why am I more grossed out by it than he is?). Then again, he is more matured and experienced than I am (is it weird to say that?), and has done that before. Anyway, despite that, he still has been coming over everyday, and we hang out and watch movies and eat dinner.

It's just that in the beginning, I put up my wall. I blocked him emotionally because I didn't know what was going to become of this. If it was just a hit it and quit it, a friends with benefits, if I was only one of many, or just something that would sizzle out... I didn't want to get attached. You know, I kinda failed at that, but the wall is only half down. I think about him a lot, and I do like him, and I get excited every time I see him. But that's all internal. Because I put up the wall in the beginning, it's hard to take it down now. I have been very detached and not open through this, and I'm only just opening up. I guess it's weird because with Max I was open from the beginning. It was so easy and comfortable with him. With Jack, I have to ease into it. It's a mixture of being broken from Max before him and just not knowing him well enough to trust him immediately.

So, I think I'm finally ready to move forward.

Need some changes

I'm tired of feeling inadequate. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

The smallest things make me get really down on myself. Whatever.

Here are some notes:
-I love to climb stairs. I never get tired walking up a flight of stairs.
-I like bland food.
-The only thing I want in my adult life is a house with a fireplace and a loft.

I want to start an art blog over this winter break.
I want to do art. Lots of hand lettering!
I will design the interface myself!
I also need to code my own website. I think I'm going to get started on some of this right now.

I need to talk about school a little.

No Shame

Nate thinks just because I have a FWB that I'm some kind of freak in bed now. He keeps asking these weird sexual things like do I like it soft or rough or if I'd consider having a threeway with another girl involved (not to mention all the butt stuff he is so obsessed with). I am pretty typical in my affairs. I don't get too crazy. I'm insecure enough with just one person.

It doesn't help that I kinda agreed that I would give sleeping with him another chance. But I mean, I'll only do that when I'm ready. And I'm not quite sure if now is the right time for that.

Anyway, I made some innuendo jokes to Jack through text, and that prompted him to ask if I want to stay the night at his house - exactly what I wanted.

I need to talk about a few things in my next post: my dog situation and school mostly.

I have been listening to Hoodie Allen and Jhameel lately. And I have zero shame - that goes towards my music tastes AND my private life.

Where I'm at Right Now

I am still very confused and conflicted.

I was starting to think things were different. I stayed the night at his house twice this week because he wanted me to. I guess that felt like a "moving forward" kinda thing. I still think I'm the only girl he is seeing, but I still have my doubts because I know I don't have to be. It would be totally okay for him to see whoever whenever because we're not committed.

I mean, he never stays the night at my house, but he asked me to stay at his. It makes sense since he doesn't have any roommates and I do. And we are still keeping this a secret from the roommates (but, I mean, they have GOT to know by now; there's no way they haven't figured it out).

I just still can't stand that none of this has been addressed. We didn't agree to keep it a secret. We haven't talked about any of this!

Anyway, I am so full of doubts, and my doubts stem from the way he talks to his friends, especially about girls. As it stands now, if he wanted to make something of this, like actually be in a relationship, I don't think I would.

Something about him makes me feel insecure. I don't feel like I can be myself around me. I feel like he judges me or would judge me for so many things.

And I have also been running other "suitors" off because of this thing I have going with Jack, but I don't know if I really need to do that. I could have sex with anyone. Really. I could get into a committed relationship in a second. There are people I would be willing to do that with. I don't know why I keep this going. I guess it's the fact that it keeps me guessing. I really don't know. It's just kinda "new" and I like new and exciting. I need something newer and more exciting to come along...