Limbo

I'm well aware I've gone crazy
But I can't stop it
And I don't want to suppress it

If I'm going to be unhappy either way
I'm going to say what I need to say

I can't believe that I have to bang my head against this wall again

Max got off work on Sunday and asked me if he could go get weed. I got upset, even though he DID ask me... It turned into an argument, and I told him to just go get the damn weed. He would have gotten it no matter what I said.

Well, he got it fronted to him not knowing for sure if he was getting his paycheck or not. He didn't get a paycheck. He had the audacity to ask ME for the money. Sorry - YOU fucked up. I'd like to see him FOR ONCE have to live up to his mistakes. I didn't give him the money. I'm not going to. I want him to tell his drug dealer that he just doesn't have the money. I'm sure he'll understand seeing as how much he's such a "really nice guy."

He makes me want to drive my head through a fucking wall.

He got mad at me for not wanting to help and told me not to give him a hard time. I asked him, "Why don't you deserve a hard time?" I told him how weed has been the biggest problem in this relationship and why shouldn't he expect this?

He got mad AGAIN much later when I didn't want to help him figure out what to do. When asked why, I told him that he has always put weed before me, and I started to tear up in anger.

I said a lot more today. I told him how his "habit" has ruined this relationship. I can't gather the nerve to leave him though... It seems the opportunity always comes up in the car, and I don't want to do it in the car... I don't want that awkward car ride.

This has driven the wedge so far between us that it's definitely not coming out now.

I was too upset to do homework or spend ANY more time with him, so I went to the movies with Michael. We saw 22 Jump Street. It was hilarious. I loved it.

I went to Dad's house earlier today to check up on him and the puppy. They're great. I'm glad he likes her. Winter named the puppy "Sarah." I hate it, but you can't argue with a five year old, so I guess that's her name.

I'm exhausted (mostly emotionally) so I'm going to bed now.

Little Update

I don't know how to write these things anymore because I never know where to start. I just got caught up on my online History homework and I feel relieved.

Today was Father's Day. I gave my dad a puppy! Surprisingly, he loved her! I got the puppy because a couple days ago, Cage (as I'll dub my former-roommate) found her at my house. Logan and I found out where she came from (a few houses up), and those people gave her to us. I, on a whim, texted my dad asking if he wanted a puppy, and he was for it! So, today I came home to see him. I got to see Josh too! He and Ashley aren't together anymore. From what I hear, she's back on pills. I hope if this is the way things are going to be that their breakup this time is for good. Josh has lost a lot of weight. He wasn't fat before, but he's pretty skinny now. I saw Ryan and Mike too. So it was a pretty good night. Dad was drunk but really likes his new puppy. He even made her sleep in the bed with him. It's adorable.

I don't want to start talking about Max because I'm really tired and don't feel like ranting about the same shit. I'm trying to figure out - fully - why I stay. I know it's because I feel an obligation to stay. I feel responsible for a lot of things. I don't want to leave him alone in Murfreesboro if I'm all he really has. But it's hard to stay when he unintentionally pushes me away. And, you know, I irresponsibly got myself dependent on him. I feel like if I didn't have him around, my life would be a lot harder, and I don't know if I'd be any happier. I would be stressed but probably not to the extent that I am now and I'd be sad in a much different way. I just hope when it does happen, he takes it well. I mean, it's one of those things that he'll have had to see coming for awhile. He better be well prepared.

Neptune in Retrograde

You know I don't believe in anything supernatural or superstitious. But I look at my horoscope from time to time, and sometimes it's just so coincidentally accurate. This is today's horoscope for me:

The horizons of your fantasies extend farther today with otherworldly Neptune in the planetary mix. However, you might realize that you're not free to explore as far as you can imagine, especially if other people's feelings are linked to yours in a very real manner. There is a high level of emotional interdependence now, making it wiser to keep some of your dreams private. There may be a better time to share your thoughts in a few days, but practicing patience is your smartest strategy for a while longer.

I will revisit the subject soon, but in brief: Max and I went to California together. I was mostly miserable. We came home today and have been fighting. I was the closest I have ever been to breaking up with him. We were fighting in the car on the way home, and when he got out to get gas, he slammed the door - 4 times. I cannot not and never will be able to handle stuff like that. That kind of rage makes me so uncomfortable. So when he got back in the car, I told him to take me straight home. We had errands to run, but I didn't want to do them anymore. I was so upset, I told him to either go straight to Dickson or take me to my house in Murfreesboro because I just wanted to get the hell out of the car.

I was upset on the ride, and he pressed me to talk about. He told me to just say what I was thinking. So, for once, I did. I told him I can't do this anymore. I told him he makes me feel small and worthless, and I don't see anything changing. I don't want to get used to or ever accept his type of rage when he gets angry. I refuse to live with that. I told him we need to step back and think about things when he asked where we should go from here. Ideally, I would like to break up. For now at least. But we are still together. For now at least...

So, my horoscope further elaborates:

Your intuition regarding your love life will not steer you wrong this week. Neptune, the planet that rules our imagination and psychic sensibilities, will turn retrograde in your sign on Monday. As a result, you might experience a precognition about your lover or relationship that proves to be eye-opening. If there's a decision you need to make about your love life, this is certainly a week when you can trust your gut.

The reason my horoscope is so coincidental is because I have been thinking of and talking to my exes a lot. And I can't lie, I've been romanticizing the idea of seeing them again. Mostly just P. I'm probably delusional and brainwashed (but I've known this for a long time), but he seems genuinely interested in me. It seems he's there for me, in the smallest most insignificant ways, more than most people. I told him that he's the only person who "dependently texts me back." He responded it's because he loves me and, even though he's mad at me, he's still talking to me. Which I thought was kinda cute (delusional of me, see?). He says he'll be mad until I'm single. I'm glad he's talking to me though. I see pictures of him on Facebook from time to time and I'm still so attracted to him that it kills me. Eh, but I should stop here.

I guess the point is the prospect of being single again is exciting to me, and I've felt this before. And I know how hard it is (internally/mentally) be single again because of the guys who come out of the woodworks and expect me to be ready to settle down again. But, you know... I'm ready to just mingle and have fun again. I'm tired of being unhappy.

Come on, skinny love, just last the year

Last night I went to bed wondering why I stay.

First of all, Max and I saw The 1975 last night. Here's how I felt about that:

They’re actually really *great* live. Most of the disappointment wasn’t really their fault. I feel bad for my boyfriend who spent so much money on yesterday. He bought tickets to the show way in advance as a Christmas present for me. And the day of the show (yesterday), I heard about the acoustic performance at Grimey’s and the Meet and Greet. When I told my boyfriend, he immediately drove to Grimey’s and bought two CDs (even though we already have the CD) to get the Meet and Greet passes. The acoustic performance was only 3 songs long. It started 30 minutes late and only lasted 10 minutes.

Then the Meet and Greet in Grimey’s was super rushed because Grimey’s sold over 300 CDs. So, since the band had to make it to Marathon Music Works in a couple hours, there were no pictures allowed at the Meet and Greet. You literally handed your CD booklet to a guy, and he handed it to the band, they each signed it and passed it along and glanced up at you to say “hi” and it was over in 60 seconds. So, it wasn’t a Meet and Greet, it was more of a “greet- and-get-the-hell-out.”

The sold out show at Marathon was a good show. They always put on a phenomenal performance, but they’re one of those bands where the fans ruin the entire experience. The fanbase is insufferable. I had a great view of the stage, but I saw the entire show through everyone else’s iPhones. A lot of people literally held their phones above their heads and recorded the *ENTIRE* show on their phones. That’s an argument for a different day, but I don’t understand people who do that. I wish phones were banned at shows. You know as well as I do that those videos are worthless because they were filmed on a phone with a shitty mic.

After the show, about 40-50 people waited for 2 HOURS in the cold (because it was abnormally cold last night) to meet the band (since the “meet and greet” earlier in the day was such a bust), and all the guys ignored the crowd and went into the bus. Except Matty, who came out -very drunk- to say hi, but he rushed to hug everyone and left. It wasn’t worth the 2-hour wait.

All-in-all, I’m mostly disappointed because my expectations were so high, I guess. I wish I had just gone to the Marathon show and went home instead of attempting to do all the other things.

I really do feel bad because he tried really hard to make sure this show happened and the Meet&Greet and whatnot. He really did. I am eternally grateful for what he has done for me. I thanked him on the ride home for everything individually.

But somehow, later in that ride, we had a fight. Things are just really tense between us a lot of the time. I feel like we rarely get along anymore. That's why I felt so bad when I went to bed last night. I'm trying to see that it's worth it, but every fight seems like just another tick on the inevitable timebomb...

Last week we went to see Margot. It was a good show, but we had been fighting all day, so we were both exhausted by the time we got to the show. I was texting Caleb that night, and I told him how Max and I were having a terrible day. I told him since Max and I have future plans (like our trip to California) I try to make it work, but sometimes I think I'd feel better if it ended. I was really upset that day and just venting. Well, the next day Max screamed at me because he saw that message. He claims he read it over my shoulder when I sent it, but I feel like he went through my phone. I wasn't mad that he saw it, even if he did read my messages while I was asleep - that's fair. I was so immediately stricken with guilt and self-hatred for what I had done. We drove to my house (because we were at his place before), and he got out of the car and slammed the door behind him and all that (which I can not handle). Side note: if I am yelled at and/or someone slams doors and/or throws/punches things out of anger towards me, I will cry. I will break down. It is one thing in life that I absolutely cannot handle. So, he went inside to the living room to get on Facebook or whatever, and I locked myself in my bathroom and cried. I cried so hard and I think I had an anxiety attack. I just couldn't breathe and I couldn't stop. He found me on the bathroom floor an hour or two later. He sat on the floor with me and tried to talk it out. I don't know if much got done. I can't always talk about things. After we both cried for awhile, we eventually worked it out, I guess. We went back to his house.

While at his house, he admitted to me that he "hates this." He hates living here and school and literally everything. He misses Dickson and his friends and being able to sit around and do nothing but get high and hang out with people. He said the only good thing he has here that keeps him going is me. He was crying when he said it. And I was crying after he said it. I feel so guilty. I feel like the shittiest most horrible person ever.*

*I admitted to him last night that I hate myself. I was being silent and he was pressing me to talk to him. So I just told him. That's why I'm usually silent: one, because I don't want to say things out of anger because that's almost always guaranteed regret, and, two, because I'm usually thinking about how horrible I am and how guilty I feel for it, and I don't want to say that out loud. I did last night though. I wish I didn't, but I did. I feel like self-hatred is something much too personal to burden someone else with. I am clearly heavily burdened by it, but I don't want that to be something that's always on the back of his mind. It's too late now. Knowing him, he won't take it to heart though. He'll forget I ever said it - hopefully (this time).

One thing that has been a recurring problem in this relationship is how much he smokes weed. The couple weekends ago, we went to the Renaissance Fair to see Nikki. He went to Mogwai the night before. He came home drunk after I asked him not to drink too much while he was there. I told him I didn't care if he got stoned before the show but to please not drink since he had to drive home. Of course, he didn't care.

The next morning while he was sleeping, I paid my phone bill and sent a text to his phone to see if it was working. When I checked his phone, I saw a message from his drug dealer from the night before. Max initiated the conversation by asking if the guy had $20-worth. The guy said he did and said for Max to come over. Since there was no reply from Max after that, it was clear that he did, indeed, go over there.

As I was getting ready to leave for the Faire, he was smoking weed. It was clearly in a new bag (a cut off piece of a Walmart plastic bag because that's how classy these fucking kids are that he buys his shit from), so I asked casually, "Did you buy more weed?" And he outright said, "No." And I tried to get him to just admit it, so I said something along the lines, "It looks like it's in a different bag. I think you bought more." And he denied it again. I gave up for a minute and went back to getting ready. (side note: if your girlfriend asks you a question - just answer honestly because she most likely already knows the answer and just wants you to be fucking honest). I was frustrated though. He could tell I seemed upset but didn't know why (because he thought he got away with the lie). I sat next to him and explained that I had seen the message. He got so pissed. He didn't say anything, but he was so very angry. I went outside to wait for him in the car, and it was just so unpleasant - the ride there and any time we were alone (not with Nikki). It was a very tense day. I was so mad that he had lied to my face AND bought the weed behind my back*. And he was mad that he didn't get away with it.

We had a former agreement. I'm trying to help him save money for our trip to CA. And I can't stand how much money he spends on weed ($200+ at a time). The agreement was that he would tell me when he was buying weed and we'd agree on how much he would spend. I have never told him not to smoke it. I have never given him an ultimatum to choose me or weed. A week earlier he told me he wanted to buy weed. We agreed that he could spend $50, which seemed like a lot to me, but it was better than $250. Of course he skeevy fucking drug dealers "didn't have change" so he had to pay $55. We agreed that he wouldn't buy weed again until his next paycheck - in two weeks. He even SHOOK on it. He insisted that we shake on it, so that I would know he was for real. I laughed at how silly it was and told him I believed him, but we shook on it anyway.

(I'm getting really upset writing about this...)

So, am I within reason for getting so upset that he went behind my back and bought weed and then lied to my face about it?

I told him a lot that day that I don't trust him anymore and that I no longer believe what he says and that his word is useless. Isn't trust supposed to be the foundation of a relationship?



Of course, I cried that night. I admitted to him what I finally realized myself: I never hated weed until I dated him. I knew he smoked weed in the beginning of this relationship, and though I was blinded with infatuation, I had no problem with it then. A very long serious of events has led me here. It started when he would ignored me and leave me alone (at his own house - when I would come over to spend time with him) to get high with his friends - for HOURS. It's how excessively stoned he was for months on end. I feel like for months he wasn't even there. It's how much money he spent (and still spends) on weed regularly...

- - - -

I had to take a break from writing this because I'm so distraught.

- - - -

So, I cried to him and told him that I always felt like he chose weed over me. I did not tell him how I felt guilty for being upset over that. I did not tell him how I felt unworthy of being more important than weed. I did not tell him how worthless he makes me feel in comparison to weed. Maybe I should have told him that.

And, ya know, two days later - his "addiction" fucked everything up again. He told me he wanted to buy weed - only $20-worth. I was hesitant, but I said fine. I did not know that me agreeing meant that I was buying it.

Okay, I have this jar in my room that I put all of my loose change in. Max has contributed to this jar a few times. Not because I asked him to, but because he decided he wanted to. I never wanted him to put his money in there. It is MY jar for MY change because I hate carrying around change and it's a nice way to save up a little chunk of money. But I never told him he couldn't put his change in there either...

When I got home from class that day, after I agreed to let him spend money on more weed, I found the lid of the jar - unattached - on my table. I held it up and asked him about it - already pretty much knowing what he did. I mean, if you're going to steal from somebody, at least don't leave evidence right in the open. But he's too space-brained to cover his tracks. So, I got very upset. I told him I wouldn't have agreed to it if I knew he was going to use my money to buy it. He got mad and said he puts money in there too. I just don't feel like that justifies it. He didn't think I was reasonable in being upset. I asked him what he expected was going to happen, what thoughts were going through his mind while he was taking the money out of the jar. He said he knew I was going to be mad. So I asked why he did it anyway. I lay in bed, hyperventilating, like I do now when I get uncontrollably upset, and he yelled at me.

He tried to explain that it was "only $5" but last night he brought it up about how he "replaced the eight dollars" or whatever, and I don't know how much he took. I don't care. I didn't care too much about how much money he took from me. It was the principle I cared about.

He had somewhat been giving me money here and there to save for him as a California fund. I had it hidden in my room where he couldn't touch it until that night. I gave it back to him. All $200 of it. I said he could just use it to buy weed since he cares more about that than visiting his family in California.

I don't remember how this one ended, and I've lost count of how many times he has driven me to tears. I don't just cry anymore; I have what I think may be panic attacks. I hyperventilate. I sob uncontrollably. I get headaches. All because of him. I know this isn't healthy anymore. I'm so sad all the time now.