Ellipsis

The cycle is starting again, and, I'll admit, I'm a little scared.

I can feel it ending.

Honestly, I'd probably have done something about it already if it weren't for the future commitments.

I feel like I need this.

I am just so tired.

That's That

I know I need to write, but when I sit down to do it, all the things I've needed to say get lost. This happens often with me. I know all the things to say except when it's time to say it.

It's 11am on a Saturday and the weather is great. It's 80 degrees for the first time this year, and I have my door open. I'm sitting in the sun path. I'd sit outside, but I am determined to get homework done today, and I need my laptop for that. I can't see the screen outside.

I took Steve Buscemi the Chameleon outside for the first time the other day. It was sunny and warm and I think he loved it. It's hard to tell with him. I'd like to make progress with him this summer and get him comfortable enough to be handled. I'd like for him to come out of his cage (I'm coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine gotta gotta be down because I want it all... lol) and be able to roam around and not live his entire life within 16 x 30".

Oh, we had a party here a few weeks ago, and I found out Zach is moving back to Pennsylvania for family reasons. I know I've mentioned him on this blog, but only briefly and have never gone into detail about him. Well, we exchanged numbers, and he was drinking one night and sent me this:

Zach: I really need to tell you something.

Me: What's that? (At this point, I pretty much knew what was coming)

Zach: And first of all I need you to know a few things.. I love you and I love [Max].. I would never ever try to get between you. I also need you to know that this isn't drunk incoherent nonsense. The only reason why I am telling you this is probably because of the fact that I'm moving away soon. Still, part of me wants you to know.. I have literally had such an enormous crush on you since the day I met you. I realized how stupid and silly all this sounds, but it's all true. I do, however, feel like an ass for saying this to someone who is in a relationship. I want you to know that I respect it. I really hope that I'm not coming off like a weirdo or anything. I just really want you to know how much I recognize what an amazing person you are, regardless of how little time we've spent. And yes, to reiterate the feeling, I totally feel like an ass for telling you this while you're in a relationship with an amazing person. To be honest, I only want to let you really know how I truly feel about you. Having said all of this, it's not like it's going to be weird around you or anything. If anything, I just want you to know how admired by me you are. You're really someone i look up to. Ok, end of rave..

So, I found this extremely adorable. Mostly because I find Zach extremely adorable and always wondered if this confession would come. It came a little too late, of course, but it's nice to have that, ya know? I responded by telling him that none of that was stupid or silly and I'm glad that he respects my relationship. I told him I already knew how he felt about me because I had picked up on it. I said, "I hope it feels good to get it off your chest and know that I have always had a huge crush on you too. I thought you were so adorable when we met. But I never pursued anything when I was single because I didn't want to mess with the status quo of the group."

He responded, "When you meet someone who is on the same level or wavelength or whatever you want to call it, you sort of feel it. Yeah, I understand. Thank you for being receptive and understanding. And you hit the nail on the head- I just wanted to get it off my chest. In so many ways. Thank you. I'm glad I could just express that for the moment."

He's right. The wavelength thing. Finding someone who operates on the same wavelength as you is rare. It's great though. It's magical. I've only ever found two people like that: Nikki and Max. Sometimes I feel like Max and I have changed frequencies and no longer rest on the same wavelength, but time will tell. Zach and I may have that. I'm not sure because we've never really had the chance to talk alone. But we both felt the "chemistry" or whatever. The same energy. It's obvious, and I feel that's why he felt justified in his confession: he knew it was requited and would be received well.

And that's that. He'll be moving away in a month or so. Who knows if we'll ever see each other again.


I don't have much to say about Max... For once. We fight often. Sometimes I feel like I could break up with him over weed... over his band... over his facebook addiction... over his all-around irresponsibility and disregard for school. There are so many things about him that I just can't stand and don't think I ever can. I don't want to unhappily accept things. I don't want to settle. But I don't want to change him either. I know rule number 1 is that you can't change people. I'd hate to be that person who tries. I don't know much about love or if all the stereotypes are true. I'm sure they're not. But it seems if you're trying to change someone or if you want them to change, then you aren't meant for each other because there is someone out there who fits your mold as well as theirs, and it's not each other. I feel that's a fairytale definition of love. To love unconditionally... I think those who have bypassed the bullshit are those who understand that love isn't easy. It's not going to go smoothly, and it's not always going to be happy. It's going to be hard work, which is a bit of a cliche to say.

So, Max I and try to work on it. Sometimes I'm stubborn and don't want to. I don't want to talk about or resolve things right away. I just want to be angry. That's when thoughts of breaking up and never having to be upset like that again cross my mind.I don't know if this relationship has an expiration date, but I do know it's not so soon.

One thing... I hate knowing things I'm not supposed to know. I hate not being able to bring up points in an argument that would clearly back up my argument because then I'd have to explain how I know those thing and admit that I've been untrusting. This relates back to my "snooping." I don't know why I do it to myself because it pisses me off every time. He does all these things that he doesn't tell me about, and that's WHY I'm so untrusting... but it's a vicious cycle. He doesn't do big things like cheat. By no means. But he does these little things that piss me the fuck off like buy weed from this 19-year-old kid who doesn't give a fuck about him and only wants his money. Seriously, this god damn kid messages him on facebook weekly telling (not asking) him to buy his weed. And Max fucking complies. I can't stand it. I'm not even going to talk about it anymore because my blood is starting to boil. There are so many reasons why this makes me angry in so many ways.

Another thing... I have been crying a lot lately. If this blog has ever indicated anything about me it's that I will not cry in front of people and even when I do it alone, I feel like a worthless piece of shit. I refuse to show that kind of weakness to anyone because it always gets thrown back into my face. I've cried in front of Max a total of four times in this relationship. That's four more times than I've cried in front of anyone in my adult and teenage life combined. The first time was last Christmas. we all know that story. The next time, we were about to go to see Bill's band play, and we got into a fight right before we left. Even in the car, it continued. I felt myself losing my grip. We stopped at his house so he could grab something, and I sat on the couch downstairs and cried silently while he fetched whatever it was upstairs. I tried to stop it before he came downstairs, but by the time I got in the car, I was crying too hard to talk. When he realized, he asked me what was wrong (like he always does in these situations). I couldn't answer. I can't talk when I'm crying. Or maybe I refuse to. I was desperately trying to dry my tears. I pulled myself together enough to go to the show. I'm sure my face was all red and puffy and it was obvious I'd been crying when we got there, but I didn't care. The next time I cried was more recently. We hadn't been getting along. I was cleaning my room and talking about how Taking Back Sunday's albums got more bland with every new release and how they're just a bunch of dads, and Max made a joke to me about "alt dad" life or something. Which is an inside joke between him and his drummer (who I will no longer refer to as my friend from here on out because it's clear that those two were made for each other). I know that from my snooping mostly, but they did have a "song" titled something similarly to that. So when he made the joke, I very calmly said, "It's related to your band so I don't like it." He got pissed, grabbed his keys, and walked out the door. I thought he went home, so I dropped what I was doing and curled up in a ball on my bed and started to cry. He came back and asked what I was doing. I responded, "Thought you left." And then he noticed I was crying (he never catches on at first... very typical of him to be so unobservant). Then he lay in bed with my while I cried. The fourth time, more recently still, was similar. We were fighting and he was threatening to go home and when he went outside, I lay in bed and cried. Again, he found me and asked what was wrong and lay with me til I was mostly done.*

We had been fighting a lot the days preceding the breakdowns. I couldn't hold it together anymore and it got to be too much. Everything builds up and gets released all at once, and that's just how I handle things. I can't cry on a whim. It has to be build up over time. Weeks, months even. That's how I know things aren't so great though. It takes a lot to make me cry, and he is the reason every time.

*After that last time, though, he told me to take a nap. Then he left to go take his equipment to their jam practice space (which I'm not even going to get into - I just can't wait til the month runs up). He was gone for a couple hours though, which is obviously suspicious when the practice space is 5 minutes up the street. When he got back, I asked why he was gone so long, and he said he went to buy weed from the 19-year-old kid that I mentioned early. Mind you, he has no idea that I even know who this kid is. So he just said he bought weed from "Carl's friend." I was feeling a little better until he said that. Then I was immediately pissed off again. Iasked, "Is that why you wanted me to take a nap? So I would be asleep and no realize how much time had passed?" Thanks for fucking leaving me crying in bed to go buy weed. These are the reasons I feel like this relationship could end over weed. This kind of shit happens all the time.

Anyway, his dad is in town this weekend, so we're entertaining him. Currently Max is at work and his Dad drove to Dickson, so I'm at my house attempting to get some homework done. I've got so much more to talk about, but I'm done for now.

I Gotta Go

I can't update here much because of how busy I am all the time with school and how much of an emotional rollercoaster my life is lately.

I am so sick of being surrounded by so many irresponsible people with shit priorities. I graduate in August 2015, and I am romanticizing the idea of just packing up and leaving with no warning. I'm liking the idea of going away and bringing no one with me. I think it's something I need.

I know I fantasized once before of getting the hell out of a place I had grown annoyed with. Maybe I was mentally ill-prepared because when I did leave, I didn't take it well. I was lonely and miserable. I feel like maybe I've gained enough life experience and will have so much more by the next time I leave that hopefully it will be much better. I plan to graduate with a bachelor's degree, and I really hope that degree gets me somewhere. I wouldn't mind if it took me somewhere far away. Maybe not too far, far away just yet, but far enough.

I feel trapped easily. I can be content with the status quo for a very long period of time, but once I'm not content anymore, I have got to go.

Mad as a March Hare

I don't even know where to start. Let's start with Max since that's all I ever talk about.

Max and I were walking home from school one day about three/four weeks ago. We had began to touch on the subject of our relationship problems but quit when someone walked into the room (I was at school working). On the walk home, I asked him if he wanted to pick up where we left off, and he said sure. I told him I felt like this relationship wasn't great anymore. I can't remember the exact words I used. He asked if that's really how I felt, and I said yes. It came as blow to him. He had no idea. Delusional as all my problems seem to be. When we got home, he was silent. I thought he was angry. It was awkward in the car when we drove to his house and back to my house. He was leaving for Dickson that night. Before he walked out the door, he stood in the doorway and spilled his guts. I knew he'd take things seriously when he knew the relationship was on the line. He made some comment about me contemplating breaking up with him, and I answered with silence, which sealed his suspicions. So he talked for a good hour straight. He brought it to my attention that I had been acting unbearable lately as well. Of course, he didn't put it in those words. I kept completely silent the entire time he was talking. Because I know if I make even just one interjection, he is done talking. So, he got everything out of his system. And I didn't have much to say. I can never find the words in the moment I need them. I said few words, and he was off. When he left, I sent him everything I had been wanting to tell him in a message on Facebook. I wanted to make sure I got it all out, and the only way to ensure that was to write it down. I've included that letter at the bottom of this post under the "Read More."*

After the talk, things did change. We spend a lot more time together. I just feel so guilty because I feel like I'm smothering him, even though he says that's not the case. He says he likes spending time with me, but I'm so full of self-doubt. I feel like he must be fucking sick of me by now. He assures me isn't, but I'm pessimistic. But anyway... I was happier mostly. I mean, things don't just change over night, but they were better. For me. I never know how he is feeling.

I saw my cousin Bill's band play at a local Brewery. He asked when I was turning 21, and I told him that weekend. He invited me to go to New Orleans with him that weekend to turn 21 in Nola and then spend Mardi Gras with him and his wife. I accepted, but later had to turn down the offer cuz I would miss too much school. Being responsible sucks... Then Max said his grandmother had a timeshare in Pigeon Forge and we could go for the weekend. He called her and got it all confirmed to go, but then at the last minute told me we couldn't go cuz we couldn't afford. Being broke sucks...

So, that Wednesday, Justin Richards was playing a show in Nashville. The show started at 5, and I didn't even get out of class til 4:30. Class ran a little late, so when I got out, I was in a HURRY. I didn't want to miss Justin Richards' set! Max was walking slow and taking his sweet precious time. I told him to walk fast and was like, "I'm in no hurry." ): When we got to my house, he ate food and messed around on Facebook. We didn't even leave til 5:30. We got to the show at 6:30, and it was almost over. Of course, we missed Justin. I was devastated. I didn't want to tell Max, but I felt like he almost purposely sabotaged the whole thing so I would miss it. I don't know why he would do that, but I also don't know why he would BE SO SLOW when he knew what time the show started... :/ I got to at least meet Justin afterwards (for the second time ever). He was super nice. Said he didn't have any shows lined up any time soon but would let me know when he does. Of course, he won't let me know personally. He'll post it on twitter and whatnot.

The next night, Thursday, THREE DAYS BEFORE I TURNED 21, Shakey Graves was in town. It was a beer tour with Lagunitas Brewing Company, so it was a strictly 21+ event. Max and I decided to test our luck anyway and see if we can get it because you don't know how badly I've wanted to see Shakey Graves. We asked around for a week about advice getting into that venue. Most people either said to just do it cuz security is cool or that they're really strict about that kinda thing. I guess it just depends who's working the door that night idk. So, we got there, and there was already a long line at the door an hour before the doors opened. We stood in line, and I was nervous. A security guard came around the corner telling everyone to have their IDs out and ready because you must be 21 to get in and you must have an ID. The closer we got to the door, the more I considered bailing. I didn't want to do the walk of shame back down the line cuz they didn't let me in. When I got to the door, the bouncer took the card from the guy in front me, said "...'89." And handed the card back. He took mine, said, "'93..." And he looked at it a bit longer. Then he said, "Ya just made it." And handed my card back. I was SO. RELIEVED. I was ecstatic on the inside! I don't know if the guy was only looking at the month and the year or if he saw that I was 3 days away and let it slide. Either way, he is the best. So, they had free beer there cuz it was a tapping of their new flavors, which was the point of the whole tour. Max took way too much advantage of that and had 6 beers in the first hour. I was so fucking mad. He was too wasted, and he had to drive us home that night. Not to mention he was embarrassing as fuck... And then, after we had stood in line for an hour and stood in the crowd at the front - not moving - for 3 hours, Shakey Graves was JUST about to go on. The man we had waited for. Our reason for coming. And Max pulls out a cigarette. I asked, "What are you doing?" But he was talking to someone else and didn't hear me. I snatched the cigarette out of his hand and put it in my pocket. Then he took out his whole pack, and I snatched that out of his hand too. He kept saying, "Give me my cigarettes!" He was hellbent on lighting one up. I told him, "I am NOT about to get kicked out of here right before Shakey Graves." I was livid. I told my mom later that he was being Dad. My dad gets kicked out of ever show he goes/has gone to for smoking inside. Shakey Graves was great, and we met some cool people in the crowd. So it was a so-so night. Max kinda ruined it for me, but I'm still glad I got to see Shakey Graves. I was also introduced to The David Mayfield Parade who put on a great show.

The next night, Friday, our third show in a row was Ryan's band, Kneel Before None. They played a show here in town at a hookah bar on the other side of campus, so OF COURSE I went. It was fun to see everyone. I'm not very fond of his new girlfriend. I judged her before they dated because she is great friends with a bunch of people who I don't particularly care for. Also, I don't think Ryan should touch her with a 10-foot pole, but whatever. As soon as I walked in the door, she was like, "Hayley!" I just said, "Hey..." and made my way to the opposite side of the room. I don't know why girls think we're going to be best friends just because they're dating one of my brothers. It doesn't work that way. Anyway, Michelle brought her boyfriend out, and we smoked hookah and it was pretty fun.

I turned 21 that Sunday. Since all of my birthday adventure plans had fallen through, Max and I went out for lunch at Mimi's. That's all I did for my birthday. I didn't even drink because I had a lot of homework to do and a lot of projects due the next day.

I really hate the one class that's I'm in for my major. The teacher is the worst teacher I've had my entire college career. It's his last year here, and he clearly gives NO fucks. He's sadistic and doesn't care what we think of him (Why would he? He's getting a better position at a different school next year. We're scum to him now). This class is really hard and pushes me. I know I'll appreciate it when it's over. I'll have good work to show when it's over. Which is the point of the whole class: to build a good portfolio to show future potential employers.

I've been talking to P and Nate a lot lately. Is it bad to talk to your exes? I mean, P has been really respectful of my relationship up until lately. I shouldn't tell him when Max and I aren't getting along cuz his favorite thing to say is, "Dump him." Nate knows all about my relationship problems too. I actually skyped him for a couple hours yesterday.

So, Max finally got a job. Let me tell you about his last job... He got a job as a janitor at the school. When he told me, he told me his hours were going to be from 11pm to 6:30am. I was not excited. I was not supportive of his "new job" at all. And he later realized I was right when he was tired and grumpy all the time. I mean, he'd get off at 6:30, sleep a couple hours, wake up at 8:30 and go to class all day until 5:30. Then he would sleep maybe 3 or 4 hours, and wake up and go to work all night and do it all over again. It was horrible. So, eh finally has a new job with better hours that will work around his school schedule and it pays better. But tonight... He gets off at 10. It is not 10:46, and he's not home yet... He is usually home by 10:20 or sooner. Great.

We haven't been getting along lately. We've been fighting A LOT. I feel like I can't say ANYTHING to him without striking the wrong chord. He has been snapping at me a lot. Last night he told me he has been stressed out. I've gotten to the point where I don't want to talk to him at all anymore because I'm always saying the wrong thing. We kinda talked about it today before he went to work because we were both clearly depressed. As always, I feel like nothing really got resolved. I was in a better mood today until now. Because he's almost an hour late getting home and hasn't texted me or anything. Insert a deep sigh here.


*This is what I told him Max after our very serious we-almost-broke-up talk:

I should be doing homework right now because it's 9, and I'm going to regret not getting to work sooner. This is just a post to introduce my next post. A lot has been going on. I've been too busy with school - constant nonstop homework - to write, but maybe this weekend I'll get the chance.

Some points:

-Max and I had that long awaited and much needed talk
-Things have been changing
-I turn 21 this weekend
-shows, shows, shows!
-plans and canceled plans
-maybe school if I don't get too worked up writing about