Max and I were walking home from school one day about three/four weeks ago. We had began to touch on the subject of our relationship problems but quit when someone walked into the room (I was at school working). On the walk home, I asked him if he wanted to pick up where we left off, and he said sure. I told him I felt like this relationship wasn't great anymore. I can't remember the exact words I used. He asked if that's really how I felt, and I said yes. It came as blow to him. He had no idea. Delusional as all my problems seem to be. When we got home, he was silent. I thought he was angry. It was awkward in the car when we drove to his house and back to my house. He was leaving for Dickson that night. Before he walked out the door, he stood in the doorway and spilled his guts. I knew he'd take things seriously when he knew the relationship was on the line. He made some comment about me contemplating breaking up with him, and I answered with silence, which sealed his suspicions. So he talked for a good hour straight. He brought it to my attention that I had been acting unbearable lately as well. Of course, he didn't put it in those words. I kept completely silent the entire time he was talking. Because I know if I make even just one interjection, he is done talking. So, he got everything out of his system. And I didn't have much to say. I can never find the words in the moment I need them. I said few words, and he was off. When he left, I sent him everything I had been wanting to tell him in a message on Facebook. I wanted to make sure I got it all out, and the only way to ensure that was to write it down. I've included that letter at the bottom of this post under the "Read More."*
After the talk, things did change. We spend a lot more time together. I just feel so guilty because I feel like I'm smothering him, even though he says that's not the case. He says he likes spending time with me, but I'm so full of self-doubt. I feel like he must be fucking sick of me by now. He assures me isn't, but I'm pessimistic. But anyway... I was happier mostly. I mean, things don't just change over night, but they were better. For me. I never know how he is feeling.
I saw my cousin Bill's band play at a local Brewery. He asked when I was turning 21, and I told him that weekend. He invited me to go to New Orleans with him that weekend to turn 21 in Nola and then spend Mardi Gras with him and his wife. I accepted, but later had to turn down the offer cuz I would miss too much school. Being responsible sucks... Then Max said his grandmother had a timeshare in Pigeon Forge and we could go for the weekend. He called her and got it all confirmed to go, but then at the last minute told me we couldn't go cuz we couldn't afford. Being broke sucks...
So, that Wednesday, Justin Richards was playing a show in Nashville. The show started at 5, and I didn't even get out of class til 4:30. Class ran a little late, so when I got out, I was in a HURRY. I didn't want to miss Justin Richards' set! Max was walking slow and taking his sweet precious time. I told him to walk fast and was like, "I'm in no hurry." ): When we got to my house, he ate food and messed around on Facebook. We didn't even leave til 5:30. We got to the show at 6:30, and it was almost over. Of course, we missed Justin. I was devastated. I didn't want to tell Max, but I felt like he almost purposely sabotaged the whole thing so I would miss it. I don't know why he would do that, but I also don't know why he would BE SO SLOW when he knew what time the show started... :/ I got to at least meet Justin afterwards (for the second time ever). He was super nice. Said he didn't have any shows lined up any time soon but would let me know when he does. Of course, he won't let me know personally. He'll post it on twitter and whatnot.
The next night, Thursday, THREE DAYS BEFORE I TURNED 21, Shakey Graves was in town. It was a beer tour with Lagunitas Brewing Company, so it was a strictly 21+ event. Max and I decided to test our luck anyway and see if we can get it because you don't know how badly I've wanted to see Shakey Graves. We asked around for a week about advice getting into that venue. Most people either said to just do it cuz security is cool or that they're really strict about that kinda thing. I guess it just depends who's working the door that night idk. So, we got there, and there was already a long line at the door an hour before the doors opened. We stood in line, and I was nervous. A security guard came around the corner telling everyone to have their IDs out and ready because you must be 21 to get in and you must have an ID. The closer we got to the door, the more I considered bailing. I didn't want to do the walk of shame back down the line cuz they didn't let me in. When I got to the door, the bouncer took the card from the guy in front me, said "...'89." And handed the card back. He took mine, said, "'93..." And he looked at it a bit longer. Then he said, "Ya just made it." And handed my card back. I was SO. RELIEVED. I was ecstatic on the inside! I don't know if the guy was only looking at the month and the year or if he saw that I was 3 days away and let it slide. Either way, he is the best. So, they had free beer there cuz it was a tapping of their new flavors, which was the point of the whole tour. Max took way too much advantage of that and had 6 beers in the first hour. I was so fucking mad. He was too wasted, and he had to drive us home that night. Not to mention he was embarrassing as fuck... And then, after we had stood in line for an hour and stood in the crowd at the front - not moving - for 3 hours, Shakey Graves was JUST about to go on. The man we had waited for. Our reason for coming. And Max pulls out a cigarette. I asked, "What are you doing?" But he was talking to someone else and didn't hear me. I snatched the cigarette out of his hand and put it in my pocket. Then he took out his whole pack, and I snatched that out of his hand too. He kept saying, "Give me my cigarettes!" He was hellbent on lighting one up. I told him, "I am NOT about to get kicked out of here right before Shakey Graves." I was livid. I told my mom later that he was being Dad. My dad gets kicked out of ever show he goes/has gone to for smoking inside. Shakey Graves was great, and we met some cool people in the crowd. So it was a so-so night. Max kinda ruined it for me, but I'm still glad I got to see Shakey Graves. I was also introduced to The David Mayfield Parade who put on a great show.
The next night, Friday, our third show in a row was Ryan's band, Kneel Before None. They played a show here in town at a hookah bar on the other side of campus, so OF COURSE I went. It was fun to see everyone. I'm not very fond of his new girlfriend. I judged her before they dated because she is great friends with a bunch of people who I don't particularly care for. Also, I don't think Ryan should touch her with a 10-foot pole, but whatever. As soon as I walked in the door, she was like, "Hayley!" I just said, "Hey..." and made my way to the opposite side of the room. I don't know why girls think we're going to be best friends just because they're dating one of my brothers. It doesn't work that way. Anyway, Michelle brought her boyfriend out, and we smoked hookah and it was pretty fun.
I turned 21 that Sunday. Since all of my birthday adventure plans had fallen through, Max and I went out for lunch at Mimi's. That's all I did for my birthday. I didn't even drink because I had a lot of homework to do and a lot of projects due the next day.
I really hate the one class that's I'm in for my major. The teacher is the worst teacher I've had my entire college career. It's his last year here, and he clearly gives NO fucks. He's sadistic and doesn't care what we think of him (Why would he? He's getting a better position at a different school next year. We're scum to him now). This class is really hard and pushes me. I know I'll appreciate it when it's over. I'll have good work to show when it's over. Which is the point of the whole class: to build a good portfolio to show future potential employers.
I've been talking to P and Nate a lot lately. Is it bad to talk to your exes? I mean, P has been really respectful of my relationship up until lately. I shouldn't tell him when Max and I aren't getting along cuz his favorite thing to say is, "Dump him." Nate knows all about my relationship problems too. I actually skyped him for a couple hours yesterday.
So, Max finally got a job. Let me tell you about his last job... He got a job as a janitor at the school. When he told me, he told me his hours were going to be from 11pm to 6:30am. I was not excited. I was not supportive of his "new job" at all. And he later realized I was right when he was tired and grumpy all the time. I mean, he'd get off at 6:30, sleep a couple hours, wake up at 8:30 and go to class all day until 5:30. Then he would sleep maybe 3 or 4 hours, and wake up and go to work all night and do it all over again. It was horrible. So, eh finally has a new job with better hours that will work around his school schedule and it pays better. But tonight... He gets off at 10. It is not 10:46, and he's not home yet... He is usually home by 10:20 or sooner. Great.
We haven't been getting along lately. We've been fighting A LOT. I feel like I can't say ANYTHING to him without striking the wrong chord. He has been snapping at me a lot. Last night he told me he has been stressed out. I've gotten to the point where I don't want to talk to him at all anymore because I'm always saying the wrong thing. We kinda talked about it today before he went to work because we were both clearly depressed. As always, I feel like nothing really got resolved. I was in a better mood today until now. Because he's almost an hour late getting home and hasn't texted me or anything. Insert a deep sigh here.
*This is what I told him Max after our very serious we-almost-broke-up talk:
I couldn't say any of this during our talk because no matter how much I mull it over in my head, when on the spot, my mind goes blank, and I can't find the words to say. In order to make a clear argument, I have to compose my thoughts and write them down so that everything is in the right order and EVERYTHING is said. So, I'm going to say all the things that I NEEDED to say during our talk but couldn't. Please don't get angry reading this. They are things that I've needed to tell you for a long time but have completely bottled up for whatever reasons. So here's my equivalent of your hour-long heart spilling.
First of all, I completely resent your band. When I said I was your #1 anti-fan, I was not kidding. It wasn't some kind of dry wit or deadpan humor. I was 100% serious. And here's why: It all started with the mushrooms thing. (Or maybe the being alone on Thanksgiving night thing). I couldn't believe it when you told me you "shrugged it off." I don't even know if you remember saying that except that I reminded you of it tonight. I thought, when you said that, that you shrugged off the entire fight. That really bothered me. I was really upset about that fight. I cried for two days, and I never wanted to admit that to you. I cried so much I got physically sick. And I don't know WHY it was such big god damn deal to me. But it was, and I can't change that or forget it. Ever. The mushroom thing, to me, I guess, felt like a betrayal. It felt like you broke my trust. Because you knew I didn't approve, and you did it anyway. And I just got so mad. I think they are a childish thing to do. Nothing makes a person look more worthless than sitting in a room tripping. I'm sorry, but that is how I feel. For lack of a better word, I can only see things like that with the word "loser" attached to it. I just feel like the type of people who do those things regularly amount to nothing. I don't see you as "worthless" or a "loser," and I don't WANT to see you like that. I know you will amount to something great, and you already do in my world. There's just a stigma I can't look past when it comes to things like that.
After it happened, even though you said you wouldn't do it again, I couldn't help but think that you would because of the giant influence that I feel those guys have over you. So, every band practice after that, I imagined that's what you were doing, even though I knew deep down you probably weren't - it goes back to the broken trust thing. So every time you had a band practice, and I was sitting at mom's waiting for you to contact me to tell me it was over, and wondering IF you would even contact me, I would get in a giant slump. I would get miserably sad because of where my mind was going. And you would come over, and I would be no fun because I had been sitting there torturing myself with my own thoughts the entire fucking day.
And another reason I despise the band is because it took away a lot of our time together. I personally feel like winter break was all about the band. So, again with my too-high expectations. I thought that month, since we had only been seeing each other two days a week all semester, that we would have this great huge time seeing each other at least almost every day and hanging out and just all-around enjoying each other's company without the stress of school. And we did see each other almost everyday, but it got to the point where I felt like we only hung out to sleep together, both figuratively and literally.
That's why I always felt the need to defend Karl. You would talk like y'all were all gung ho about kicking him out and continuing without him, no questions asked. Karl and Scobert came into this as an already established team. It just seemed so wrong to kick him out. And I told you this a long time ago, but I don't know if it ever struck a chord with you, but I felt like I was being replaced by the band, like Karl.
I want to like your band. I mean, I'm friends with all the members. Hell, if it wasn't for me, the band wouldn't even exist; I brought you guys together. And I support you all individually, but any mention of the band or any of the things I see on Facebook just make my blood boil. That's always my instant reaction to anything band-related. I even "unfollowed" the posts for the band page on Facebook, so they wouldn't show up in my news feed. I took Scobert off of my "Close Friends" list so I wouldn't have to see all the band stuff he posts AND so I didn't have to be infuriated by how you literally like every. single. thing he ever posts.
I know the "puppy" comment really got to you, but I didn't know how else to put it. I, for some reason, cannot stand your friendship with him. If he changes his picture to an old blues singer on Facebook, you change your picture to an old blues singer on Facebook. If he makes a comment on ANY mutual friend's status on Facebook, you can damn well bet you're definitely going to like it, no matter what it says, and also comment on that status. You're always right behind him in everything he does. When you said, and I fought to interrupt at this point, that Scobert will do anything you say, *I* feel that you'll do anything he says. Not to mention the god damn cigarettes. Maybe I just feel like he's a bad influence. I feel like your entire friendship consists of nothing but copious amounts of weed smoking, and I guess I will just never understand how that ISN'T a pointless relationship because I've never felt the need to escape from reality as often as y'all do.*
Maybe I am jealous. I'm not sure. I thought I knew myself pretty well, and the way I normally respond to jealousy (if I've ever felt it) is with sadness, not anger. But maybe I'm jealous that you like him so much and like to spend time with him and like to talk to him all the time. Maybe I'm jealous because I can't play music for you or get high with you. You know, your favorite things. I guess I missed when you used to talk to me on Facebook (because you have to admit, Facebook is no longer relevant to our relationship anymore - except as a negative thing). I always remember when you used to tell me, "I only use Facebook for you." The statement itself isn't a big deal, but I think about it a lot now for some reason and always follow up my thought with, "Not anymore." So, maybe I got possessive and wanted you all to myself. I can't give a definitive answer because I haven't figured it out myself.
*I have never been against people smoking weed until I started dating you. Some days, to me, you aren't a casual weed smoker - you are a flat out stoner. And I see absolutely nothing good about being a "stoner." It's a similar stigma I can't let go of like with the mushrooms. And it's not because I feed into some societal corporate bullshit. There are people who smoke weed, even every day, and then there are people who seem to need weed to function, who seem to revolve their entire existence around weed, who must be high at every waking moment of their life - and, as much as I try to preach not to hate what doesn't affect you, I HATE those kinds of people. Another reason I didn't mention above that I hate the band is because, to me, band practice is 90% getting high and maybe 10% of actual "band practice." And that just doesn't sit well with me.
I knew before writing all of this - and especially after - that I have been entirely way too possessive. You made me realize that during our talk before you left. But I have to explain why you should at least consider appreciating my possessiveness a little. I used to always ALWAYS say that I couldn't imagine being around the same person every single day. I get so easily annoyed with people when being around them for long periods of time. It was like that when I lived with Nikki, and, hell, it was like that when I went to Italy and was roommates with Michelle. You experienced that frustration firsthand. My cousin Nick and his now-wife Autumn, used to disgust me. I couldn't understand HOW they could bare to spend every. single. day. together. I didn't understand how that didn't make them hate each other. Even with my last boyfriend, I would say I couldn't imagine being with him every single day. I thought I just generally needed literally *everybody* in small doses. But I don't feel that way with you. I may get annoyed at you for other things, but never have I gotten annoyed that I've had to be around you every single day. I want you in large doses. I need you in the biggest doses possible. And you are the only person I've ever felt this way about. You're the only person I've ever wanted to see every single day.
The bottom line is, I guess I've been being needy and clingy and possessive and all that jazz, but most of all I've been selfish. I haven't considered how you felt. And I haven't appreciated enough what all you do for me. As much of a "blessing" it is to be around you everyday, the burden is that I start to take you for granted. I wasn't "just saying that" when I said I don't know what I'd do without you. I'd probably be even more miserable than I have been lately to the point of dysfunction.
Half the reason I started bottling things up again and didn't talk to you is because a) I knew you would get mad (initially - like you seemed to tonight [but I also knew once you had thought about it and knew the relationship was possibly on the line that you'd actually take it seriously]) and b) I know I have been irrational. I know all my problems stem from me being unreasonable and possessive. I don't talk about things when I know how crazy they show me to be. I have a very hateful relationship with myself, and every problem I ever have, no matter what it is, I can always turn it back on me and make it my fault and blame myself - and I always do. Even with all of this, I know it's my fault for not speaking up, but it's also my fault for being upset over such unreasonable things in the first place.
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