Alone.

Today I am especially miserable. I've spent the last 5 hours of my time at school. Alone.

Max doesn't want to spend time with me. It makes me feel like shit, but at the same time I completely understand. I am boring and uninteresting and I'm always mean to him now. I only get mean when I'm unhappy. I guess he can't tell though. At this point, I don't even want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about anything. I don't want to do anything. I want to lie in bed for the rest of my life.

Break

I hate that I've grown dependent on him. And we have plans set for future dates. These are reasons why I keep my mouth shut. But are these things worth it? When my misery goes beyond the point of caring, these things won't matter anymore.

I think I need a break though. For now. I need to at least send him a strong message. I've been wanting to take a week away from him. I just haven't found the right time to start it. I'm waiting for him to fuck up big, so I can tell him not to come over, and I won't be coming over for "awhile." That's the timing I'm waiting for. I'll tell him how this relationship has gone to shit, and then I won't talk to him for a week. Hopefully that'll be enough time for it to set in. And then, if things don't start to change after that (really, though, I don't see how they could change at this point), I'll just have to take an even longer break. An indefinite one. Tell him I need to focus on school: my priority. And he can focus on his "band": his priority.

Alas, this is probably only a fantasy. I mean, I really don't want to end it. Is it bad that I don't want to end it because of the dependencies? That's really the only thing holding me back right now... He doesn't do anything for me anymore. Not emotionally, I mean. He still does other things for me, like gives me rides and cooks me food. That's what I'd be most worried about during the break - I'd have to start walking home at night after my night class... I'm sure he'd offer to still give me rides, but that would defeat the purpose. I would rather walk home.

I think the time away would be good for me too. So maybe I can learn to appreciate him again. It's just so hard to appreciate someone who always puts you on the back burner for someone else. I understand he has a passion for playing music, and in his mind he is taking this "band" seriously, but I can't see him taking anything about it seriously except that it's an outlet to get high. That is all I see, and I will never see it as anything else.

Not to mention he lies to me a lot. I know I haven't said anything about this here, but sometimes I just get so curious as to what's so god damn interesting on Facebook, and why it's so much more important than our time together. So I started reading his messages. Of course, he doesn't know. And I KNOW it's wrong. I would have never done it "just because." I have to be provoked. I have to have a reason. And my burning curiosity got the best of me. So, now I know when he says he's going to his house, he's actually going to get high with those guys. I don't know why he lies to me about it, but my desire for revenge is turning this into a slippery slope. I will always say I believe in the golden rule. Treat people how you wish to be treated. I get that. I always do that. But I also follow it both ways. Treat people the way they have treated you. If you're going to lie to me and lose my trust, I will never trust you again. I will never believe anything you say. I will also never tell you anything. This was what happened in my last relationship. He quit telling me things, so I shut him the fuck out. And I haven't changed. I will continue to handle relationships in this way until one comes along when I won't have to anymore.

I just NEED to have a heart-to-heart with him before I explode. I just haven't been in the right mindset lately. I've been too bitter. I'm mean to him. He told me today to quit being mean to him. He said, "You hate me because I have an easy school schedule." I responded, "It has nothing to do with your school schedule." I'm not really sure why he thinks I care about his school schedule. I don't see how he's so blind a delusional that he doesn't see that it's his "band." I talk so much shit about his band. I told him I was the #1 anti-fan. He thinks it's all deadpan, but I am 100% serious. I am not kidding. No one hates that "band" more than I do.

I just wish he weren't so fucking influenced by those guys. He is 25 years old and they are 18. He needs to GROW. UP. Whenever he fucks up and we get into a big fight, he says that. He admits he needs to grow up. But talk is cheap. It always is.

Yesterday, I did work at school. He was supposed to pick me up, but I didn't want him to. I intended to walk home, but my friend Michelle gave me a ride instead. I didn't tell him I did that. I texted him a couple hours later and asked if he still needed to do laundry at my house. He said he'd be over "soon." So after an hour had passed, I texted back, "uh huh." Of course, I wasn't surprised. I expect all of his behavior at this point. It's a defense mechanism against CONSTANT DISAPPOINTMENT. I used to get disappointed. Because I would get my hopes up. "Expectation is the root of all heartbreak." Now I just get annoyed. So, when he finally did arrive, I was annoyed. He tried to make up for it by buying me a couple albums and emailing them to me while we were in the same room. I do appreciate the albums... but, honey, "can't buy me love."

So, today, when he said he was going to his house. I just assumed he was going to get high with his drummer. He knew I seemed annoyed when he said he was going and asked why I was mad. He said I always seem mad when he leaves. He said he'd be back in a couple hours. I told him not to say that. "Don't give me a time." -Why? "Because I expect it." Maybe now he'll quit giving times because that is one of his most obnoxious habits: "I'll be there in (timeframe)" *never shows up.* It makes my blood boil.

I'm getting angry talking about it now. I need to go do homework til I pass out now.

Some days I try. Most days I don't.

I've been weighing my options in more areas than one. I'm so unhappy with my life right now, and it's beginning to look like it's not temporary. I feel like it's going to be like this for the next few months.

I've realized the way I feel is very similar to the way I felt when I lived in Memphis. It's getting increasingly harder not to just fall apart, and I feel I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

They've become a duo of elitist shit talkers who feel like they're better than everyone around them, including their old friends who have always been there for them. That kind of behavior fucking disgusts me.

- - -

It's nights like these when he comes home at midnight reeking of cigarettes and passes out immediately that I get really down.

Also, now my entire room smells of cigarettes and it's not helping me recover from this migraine.

- - -

I wrote those posts at different times over the last week or two. I didn't publish them because I need to talk about a lot of things, and I need to condense it all to one post. So those were saved as drafts.

But now I don't even know where to start. I guess I should have taken the time to compose my thoughts first. In short, school sucks, my relationship has been on the rocks (in my mind; probably not his), and I've been in need of some sort of change.

This semester at school hasn't been going so well. A lot of shortcomings. At one point I was dangerously close to changing my major. But I've decided for now to stick it just for this semester at least. See how it goes. See if I change mind by the end of it. It's just that I'm so close to the end, and I'm so far in debt, and I had a goal of four years... But at the same time, none of that matters if it's not going to make me happy in the end.

Speaking of things that won't make me happy in the end, I have not been feeling very loving towards Max. All I feel is bitterness, resentment, and, most days, nothing. It's the usual things: his laziness, his irresponsibility, his negligence. But most of all it's his band. It all started with the drug incident for which there is no redemption. Especially after he told me he just shrugged off my anger towards it... for which there is now no longer forgiveness. And I will NEVER forget it. It's the fact that he has the most annoying bromance with his drummer. It's the fact that he is so heavily influenced by said drummer. It's the fact that all the influence drummer has over him is bad: the cigarettes, the drugs, the carelessness (now) towards this relationship. He has found a new relationship: with the drummer. I just can't stand it that all of our time spent together is his time chatting with his drummer on Facebook. I can't stand it that all of our time spend away from each other is his time hanging out with his drummer. I hate that this "band" (if you can call it that) has taken over his life. Am I jealous? I'm not sure. I always thought I responded to jealousy with sadness. I am no longer sad. I am pissed off. He ignores me IN PERSON to talk to this guy on Facebook. It was like this before moving back to Murfreesboro, but it has been so much worse. Because the drummer lives in town and goes to school with us. So, you know, now they can just be fucking together like they want.

You've got that kiss of death, and I'm not attracted to alcoholic veins. The way you love your cigarette more than me is driving me insane.

He always comes back smelling like cigarettes. It's quite a testament on his ability to commit to things, on his will power, on his self control. Or lack thereof, rather. The only things he is committed to are Facebook and his drummer. So, yeah. I guess I am jealous. I'm jealous that he loves spending so much time and talking to his drummer. I wish he liked spending time with me... or talking to me.

I wish we could sit down and have a serious talk about how much I hate the direction this relationship is going in lately. I just haven't found the right time. Cuz, y'know, everything is about timing with me. I just don't want to speak with him about it because I never feel like he takes things seriously. He may pretend it's a big deal when we talk, but the next day, nothing has changed. What else is new?

I've come to expect all of his behavior: his lateness, his forgetfulness, his carelessness...

I'm just wondering how much longer I can tolerate it.

Things are getting worse. Today was an especially bad day.

And it's not even over yet.

I feel empty and alone.