I wish I weren't so bitter about my relationship all the time. It's starting to feel a lot like my last one.
Except it's nothing like that. And I should be grateful - and I AM grateful - for everything he does for me. He drives me anywhere I want to go, and he buys me food, and he takes care of me. He makes sure I am warm and reminds me to take my iron. The little things he does on a daily basis I guess should be enough. It's just so hard to think of those things when I'm angry over some other little thing. But I *am* angry a lot now. And my last relationship was similar in that sense... And that was the beginning of the end.
I'm not going to sit here and bitch over every little detail that I haven't liked since the last time I bitched. I guess I'm just sad that things aren't perfect anymore.
It isn't pretty, but it works. Oh, it's not sharp, but it still hurts.
I find myself conflicted a lot of the time. I never know whether to exact revenge (as in give up and quit trying with the relationship) or to try and improve things by being the opposite of him. By actually paying attention to him. Sometimes I take the easy way out and just decide to not bother. To make no effort to talk to him. To ignore him. To seethe in my own bitterness... and sometimes I actually try to show him how I want this relationship to work. I'll put my laptop away when I'm with him and give him my undivided attention and talk to him about his day and his band. Even though the band is something I feel the most bitter about. And I mostly don't know why. I guess because it has become priority for him. He spends more time with them than me. When he's WITH me, he's constantly talking to them or listening to their recordings... instead of, I don't know, maybe spending some quality time with me by watching a movie or something...
And the things about him that upset me the most have actually encouraged me to do better for myself. I'm going to deactivate my Facebook because of how much time he spends on his. It's an addiction, I tell you. I'm really excited about it. I'd do it right now if I didn't have ongoing conversations with very good friends who I don't want to abandon just yet. But by the time school starts back up, it's gone.
So... New Year's.
We saw my cousin Bill's band play. I enjoyed myself a lot. They are a jugband and did a bluegrass-y cover of the "Ain't Nobody Got Time For That" remix. I thought that was just splendid. Not sure if anyone else there even knew what was going on. Dillon was with us, and he knew. It was Max, Caleb, Dillon, and me. At midnight, we all had champagne (which I found to be quite refreshing) and sang Auld Lang Syne in unison. After talking to Bill and then his wife, we drove to his house to look at his Christmas lights (because he goes ALL out on holidays). Pretty sure you can see his house from space when the Christmas (hell, and Halloween) lights are on.
Went to my house and moved Max's stuff into my room. He's storing all his boxes of stuff in my (currently unused) room until he gets his apartment up the street. Which will hopefully be before I have to move back into my room.
Something kinda weird, I was texting P that night, and he told me he loved me. Through text message, but that's just the way he is. I was taken aback. I responded by asking if he had been drinking. It's weird... he has been really honest with me lately. And by that, I mean, he has not been vague and obscure like he always used to be. I ask him what he's doing, and he actually tells me. I ask him something about himself, and he actually tells me. He used to never be that. He used to always give vague answers, but now he's precise and answers all of my followup questions... I guess this is a topic for another day though. I just think it's kinda nice.
Dillon went to Nashville the next day and went rock climbing with Nikki. Glad to see they are making efforts to not make things "weird" between them anymore.
Then he came back to my house the next day. When he tried to leave the NEXT day, he got pulled over for not wearing his seatbelt. He said, "Man, the ONE time I don't wear seatbelt." But he never wears his seatbelt. He was driving with a suspended AND expired license, so they took it away from him. The cop flat out told him he was too lazy to arrest Dillon, so Dillon walked back to my house.
So, without wanting to risk driving anymore, he got stranded at my house for the rest of the weekend until today when his grandparents were driving through, and they picked him and his car up.
One of those nights Dillon was here, I invited Michael over. We all watched Don Jon together. Max walked in in the middle of the movie, immediately sat down and got on his laptop to facebook with his bandmate who was my friend first and who was actually in my fanclub but now takes priority over Max's attention. No surprise there. And the only comments he had about the movie we were all watching were negative ones. Typical him though. Always so cynical about everything.
He had band practice today. I've been making it a point to hang out with other people when he has practice because I'd like to have a life too. It makes me forget how bitter I am about everything and not fall into a slump for the day. So I hung out with Mecha today. We went on an adventure around town and had a good time. And it was snowing! He's a good friend.
So, I guess now I'm just waiting around for Max to come over. I thought I was supposed to be going to his house tonight until tonight when he asked if he can stay at mine. I don't know why he doesn't want me at his house, but I'm sure it's drug-related. I can never trust him again after that night he "had band practice" and just did drugs the entire time instead. That's why I get so bitter every time he has band practice. I expect it to happen again. Hell, I expect it to happen every time. He doesn't know and probably never will know how serious this stupid shit is to me. I can never let it go.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Monday, December 30, 2013
Tables have turned
I feel like he's mad at me or at least went to bed mad at me.
He worked this morning and then had band practice, but I'm still not over the last incident that happened during band practice that he didn't give two shits about when I cared way too god damned much. I'm not trying to convince myself otherwise anymore; it was a huge deal to me, and I don't care how irrational that is.
So, I kinda assumed that this band practice would be like the rest: very little actual music-playing and lots of drug use that lasts until very late at night, and zero communication with me.
Because of that, I didn't leave my entire day open like I normally would when we have plans of hanging out, because, like last time, plans of hanging out are likely to never actually happen.
Caleb and I spent most of the day with dad. And when we got home later that night around 8, I invited Michael over for our annual watching of The Voice finale. This was the only day I'd have to hang out with him til I don't know when. I haven't seen him in a year either.
As soon as Michael said he was on his way, Max asked me if I wanted to hang out. I had to tell him I wouldn't be able to until later because I was hanging out with Michael. With which he responded, "oh." And a bunch of just "okay"s after that.
Well, it's not like he has never done the same thing to me. I can't even count how many times I've been sitting by the door with my shoes and coat on all ready to go, and he texts or calls me to tell me he is still hanging out with someone and will be for awhile longer.
In a way, it was a bit of a sly revenge on my part. Let him feel the disappointment that I feel on an almost-daily basis. If he wants to treat this relationship like it's just a casual friendship, then, so be it, I will too.
I didn't know it would take so long to watch 4 episodes of The Voice (but most of them are an hour and a half long). Around 12:40, Max messaged me saying he couldn't stay awake any long and was going to bed, which is also about the time we finished watching all our stuff. So whatever. I'm not mad. I don't know if he is. We have to go to the Boro tomorrow to run some errands and have to leave early-ish in the day, but I have no idea what time to wake up.
It's 3:30am now so I'm going to bed. I'll update on tomorrow if anything worth talking about happens.
He worked this morning and then had band practice, but I'm still not over the last incident that happened during band practice that he didn't give two shits about when I cared way too god damned much. I'm not trying to convince myself otherwise anymore; it was a huge deal to me, and I don't care how irrational that is.
So, I kinda assumed that this band practice would be like the rest: very little actual music-playing and lots of drug use that lasts until very late at night, and zero communication with me.
Because of that, I didn't leave my entire day open like I normally would when we have plans of hanging out, because, like last time, plans of hanging out are likely to never actually happen.
Caleb and I spent most of the day with dad. And when we got home later that night around 8, I invited Michael over for our annual watching of The Voice finale. This was the only day I'd have to hang out with him til I don't know when. I haven't seen him in a year either.
As soon as Michael said he was on his way, Max asked me if I wanted to hang out. I had to tell him I wouldn't be able to until later because I was hanging out with Michael. With which he responded, "oh." And a bunch of just "okay"s after that.
Well, it's not like he has never done the same thing to me. I can't even count how many times I've been sitting by the door with my shoes and coat on all ready to go, and he texts or calls me to tell me he is still hanging out with someone and will be for awhile longer.
In a way, it was a bit of a sly revenge on my part. Let him feel the disappointment that I feel on an almost-daily basis. If he wants to treat this relationship like it's just a casual friendship, then, so be it, I will too.
I didn't know it would take so long to watch 4 episodes of The Voice (but most of them are an hour and a half long). Around 12:40, Max messaged me saying he couldn't stay awake any long and was going to bed, which is also about the time we finished watching all our stuff. So whatever. I'm not mad. I don't know if he is. We have to go to the Boro tomorrow to run some errands and have to leave early-ish in the day, but I have no idea what time to wake up.
It's 3:30am now so I'm going to bed. I'll update on tomorrow if anything worth talking about happens.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Can't go on
You know, I've been thinking lately that maybe this isn't going to work out.
I feel like I shouldn't say that here, but I'm tired of keeping concerns to myself. I need to quit keeping them from him. I don't know how to bring it up though... Last time we tried having "a talk." He got up in the middle of it and started listening to his band's recordings on his laptop. I took that as the conversation being over and said no more even though I had a lot to say. I'm tired of being a push over.
A friend came to me last night to talk to me about it. I didn't ask for advice, and I didn't think I had made a cry for help, but he told me my relationship sounds unhealthy. I'm not sure I entirely agree, but he had a lot of good points. I think it's probably only unhealthy for me because I make it that way. I vent here instead of to him. Like I always do...
In the beginning, I thought this relationship was so great. It was so much better than anything before. It was what I thought a relationship should be. Now it has turned into what I feel all relationships inevitably turn into. We've made the one-year mark. We've surpassed the honeymoon phase - by far. And I've realized all these problems that I just don't know if they can be fixed.
I'm not looking for somebody to fix me. I just want someone who won't break me any further.
I feel like I shouldn't say that here, but I'm tired of keeping concerns to myself. I need to quit keeping them from him. I don't know how to bring it up though... Last time we tried having "a talk." He got up in the middle of it and started listening to his band's recordings on his laptop. I took that as the conversation being over and said no more even though I had a lot to say. I'm tired of being a push over.
A friend came to me last night to talk to me about it. I didn't ask for advice, and I didn't think I had made a cry for help, but he told me my relationship sounds unhealthy. I'm not sure I entirely agree, but he had a lot of good points. I think it's probably only unhealthy for me because I make it that way. I vent here instead of to him. Like I always do...
In the beginning, I thought this relationship was so great. It was so much better than anything before. It was what I thought a relationship should be. Now it has turned into what I feel all relationships inevitably turn into. We've made the one-year mark. We've surpassed the honeymoon phase - by far. And I've realized all these problems that I just don't know if they can be fixed.
I'm not looking for somebody to fix me. I just want someone who won't break me any further.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Things ain't like they used to be
(I've been trying to write this post for days)
I wrote that last post on my phone while I was lying on the couch right next to him - as he focused all of his attention on FB. He kept asking me if I was mad. I kept saying I was tired. He knew I was lying but didn't push it. He assumed I was mad because we weren't going to his house for the night (we were at my house), which would be a weird reason to be mad because I said I didn't care which house we slept at that night.
And, just to clarify, it's not JUST his friend Nic. It's also MY friends (who he is now in a band with), and his friend Robert. While he was typing away at Nic, and after, I assume, the video call had ended, he said out loud, "Nic wants you to break up with me." With which I responded, "I'm sure he does." I was not in the right mood to hear anything about Nic, especially his unimportant input on our relationship. I was also informed that Nic had said he wished my plain crashed and he wished I died on my way to Italy. What a great, supportive friend he is! And despite all of his negative words, Max still chooses to associate with such a horrible person. He told me today that he blocked Nic on Facebook. I get the feeling that won't last long. Who's going to treat him like shit and make him feel 2 inches tall now?! I certainly TRY not to do that.
So, Max suggested we go to his (Max's) house, and I complied. Because, like I said, I did not care which house we slept at. We rode in silence to his house, and I crawled in bed. After he crawled in bed with me, I told him, "I'm sorry I'm so difficult." And I told him I just get sad easily. I let him know that it was because he wouldn't stop ignoring me. I can tell he disagreed, but didn't want to dispute it.
Now, I understand that when anybody is typing on a computer, they won't hear you the first time you talk to them. But he does this ALL THE TIME. And I can't handle it if he did hear me, looked at me BECAUSE I was talking to him, makes eye contact, and just does not give a damn to ask, "what?" or to answer the question. Don't just fucking look away like I wasn't talking to you.
I know I'm irrational. I fucking know. And the realization of that and the self-loathing is what makes these episodes so much worse.
- - - - - - - - - -
The next morning, on Christmas day, he wanted to talk about it. At least that's what he said, "I want to talk about this." So I told him what it is exactly that upset me. And we did not talk about it. He got mad. He threw things on the table and all around made me feel like shit. I was silent in the car the whole way to my house. While we sat in the car outside my house, he said something - I don't remember what. And I said, "You wanted to talk about it, so when I tried to talk about it, you got mad." But I choked up and started crying. So I hugged him to hide my face, and we held that position for a long time as I wiped my tears away. You KNOW I have way too much pride to cry in front of people. I wasn't doing it to make him feel guilty. I genuinely tried really fucking hard to hold those tears in -- it's just that lately I can't do that so well. So, in turn, it made him tear up a bit. And then he just started rambling like crazy about how he really likes me and doesn't want me to leave him and he doesn't want to mess this up and a lot of other stuff. I told him I wasn't going to leave him.
So after we gained our composure, we went inside while I got ready to go to his mom's house. His mom was nice, and his stepdad is always really nice and sociable to me. His sister and her girlfriend were there too. It wasn't bad. I still get real quiet and shy around his family. I can easily communicate with one person at a time, but when I'm in a room full of people, I get quiet. His mom was really nice and gave me really generous Christmas gifts that I was not expecting.
Then we went to my family's Christmas. I got a lot of money, and my dad got me a Duck Dynasty Chia pet because it has a big beard and my dad said if I miss him while I'm in college, I can follow the directions on the box and think of him haha. I don't care for Duck Dynasty, but I liked the sentiment. It was funny. Max got really drunk and we slept in my room.
The next day my Christmas bag with all the money (and some candy and whatnot) was missing. After frantically searching throughout the house, we eventually found out that Josh accidentally took it, thinking it was his. I got it back.
- - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday was our one-year anniversary. I used to not care about these types of things. The only other time I made it to one year, my heart was completely not in it anymore. And I ended the relationship soon after.
This time is a little different. I came over the night before and tried to make it special. The next morning (the day of), he made himself busy with packing boxes rather than spending any time with me. I sat alone on his bed and browsed Facebook as I usually do when I'm at his house. I don't care for Facebook as often as I'm on it. I just get on it merely for something to pass the time, especially when I'm at his house.
So, I was a little bummed about that. While he was packing, he asked, "You're not going to be mad that I'm packing instead of spending time with you, are you?" (I mean, c'mon, if you have to ask...) I tried to be as compliant as possible, and told him, "No, you've got stuff to do..." I was just hoping, you know, an anniversary of all days could be different. So after spending no time together and not talking to each other until it was time to take me home (while he went to work), we got in the car. He brought it up in the car that he knew I was mad at him because I wasn't smiling. I told him it would have been nice to spend a little time together. He said he's just not used to this kind of thing because he used to be a shitty boyfriend (his last relationship was, apparently, shitty on both sides), and he said it would be better that night when he got off of work.
He dropped me off, and I spent the entire time he was at work cooking and baking. I baked him a lemon-lime cake roll thing that, despite all the things that went wrong and all the things I had to throw out and re-make, turned out pretty good. He really liked it, and he doesn't like cake usually. I made him a card with a long message in it and ended it with "I love you." We've never said it to each other before. When we got to his house, and he read it, he was floored - literally. I was sitting on the floor in front of the heater, and he immediately lay me down and kissed me. We lay on the floor for awhile. My heart warmed when he whispered, "I love you too, baby" in my ear. So I was happy for the time being.
- - - - - - - - - -
The night before our anniversary we talked (a little - we never talk [seriously] much). He said something about how we've had our biggest fight, and he was referring to the one on Christmas. I told him the one before that (the drug-related one) was way bigger to me. He said he shrugged that one off, which kinda pissed me off. He only thought the Christmas one was the biggest one because that's the one where he SAW me cry. I didn't tell him that I cried for two days over the other fight. I cried so much, my body couldn't handle the stress, and I got sick. By day two, I had a massive headache, debilitating nausea, and my entire body felt like it was a thousand degrees. I was so miserable those two days, and especially that night I got sick. (I did tell him I was way more miserable over that fight, but I don't think he'll ever understand just how upsetting it was for me - just like I'll never understand, as he said, just how not-big-of-a-deal it was to him)... I probably would have cried longer, but day three is when Dillon stopped by.
I hung out with Dillon, and he mentioned Max, so I said I could get him to come over. Max came over before work and hung out for an hour. I didn't talk to him much while he was here. While he was at work, Dillon and I went out to eat, and it was ridiculously windy outside. When we got back to my house, a horrible storm came through. Tornadoes and whatnot. The power was out for a couple hours or more, so we say in darkness. After it was all over, Max got off work and came over. We all went to his house so he and Dillon could play guitar. We stayed there til 4am. Would have been later, but I told Dillon we need to go because I had to wake up and be somewhere the next day.
The next day, Sunday, I went to Nana's for our big family Christmas. Max had to work, but everyone asked where he was anyway. It was nice to see my whole family. My cousin Nick came up from San Antonio on leave and no one told Nana. He casually walked in the door carrying presents, she saw him out of the corner of her eye, did a double take, and freaked out. She held her mouth open in surprised for a good minute, and then started crying. "Why did no one tell me! I'm going to shoot everyone one of you!" Because we all knew and she didn't. It was also a surprise to Poppa. He was taking a picture of Bam when Nick walked in, so he completely missed all the excitement. He stood up (after Nana's whole episode that he missed), and saw Nick and exclaimed, "Oh, my God!" It was great. It was also a surprise to Ryan and Kate and Larry, but pretty much everyone else already knew.
I wrote that last post on my phone while I was lying on the couch right next to him - as he focused all of his attention on FB. He kept asking me if I was mad. I kept saying I was tired. He knew I was lying but didn't push it. He assumed I was mad because we weren't going to his house for the night (we were at my house), which would be a weird reason to be mad because I said I didn't care which house we slept at that night.
And, just to clarify, it's not JUST his friend Nic. It's also MY friends (who he is now in a band with), and his friend Robert. While he was typing away at Nic, and after, I assume, the video call had ended, he said out loud, "Nic wants you to break up with me." With which I responded, "I'm sure he does." I was not in the right mood to hear anything about Nic, especially his unimportant input on our relationship. I was also informed that Nic had said he wished my plain crashed and he wished I died on my way to Italy. What a great, supportive friend he is! And despite all of his negative words, Max still chooses to associate with such a horrible person. He told me today that he blocked Nic on Facebook. I get the feeling that won't last long. Who's going to treat him like shit and make him feel 2 inches tall now?! I certainly TRY not to do that.
So, Max suggested we go to his (Max's) house, and I complied. Because, like I said, I did not care which house we slept at. We rode in silence to his house, and I crawled in bed. After he crawled in bed with me, I told him, "I'm sorry I'm so difficult." And I told him I just get sad easily. I let him know that it was because he wouldn't stop ignoring me. I can tell he disagreed, but didn't want to dispute it.
Now, I understand that when anybody is typing on a computer, they won't hear you the first time you talk to them. But he does this ALL THE TIME. And I can't handle it if he did hear me, looked at me BECAUSE I was talking to him, makes eye contact, and just does not give a damn to ask, "what?" or to answer the question. Don't just fucking look away like I wasn't talking to you.
I know I'm irrational. I fucking know. And the realization of that and the self-loathing is what makes these episodes so much worse.
- - - - - - - - - -
The next morning, on Christmas day, he wanted to talk about it. At least that's what he said, "I want to talk about this." So I told him what it is exactly that upset me. And we did not talk about it. He got mad. He threw things on the table and all around made me feel like shit. I was silent in the car the whole way to my house. While we sat in the car outside my house, he said something - I don't remember what. And I said, "You wanted to talk about it, so when I tried to talk about it, you got mad." But I choked up and started crying. So I hugged him to hide my face, and we held that position for a long time as I wiped my tears away. You KNOW I have way too much pride to cry in front of people. I wasn't doing it to make him feel guilty. I genuinely tried really fucking hard to hold those tears in -- it's just that lately I can't do that so well. So, in turn, it made him tear up a bit. And then he just started rambling like crazy about how he really likes me and doesn't want me to leave him and he doesn't want to mess this up and a lot of other stuff. I told him I wasn't going to leave him.
So after we gained our composure, we went inside while I got ready to go to his mom's house. His mom was nice, and his stepdad is always really nice and sociable to me. His sister and her girlfriend were there too. It wasn't bad. I still get real quiet and shy around his family. I can easily communicate with one person at a time, but when I'm in a room full of people, I get quiet. His mom was really nice and gave me really generous Christmas gifts that I was not expecting.
Then we went to my family's Christmas. I got a lot of money, and my dad got me a Duck Dynasty Chia pet because it has a big beard and my dad said if I miss him while I'm in college, I can follow the directions on the box and think of him haha. I don't care for Duck Dynasty, but I liked the sentiment. It was funny. Max got really drunk and we slept in my room.
The next day my Christmas bag with all the money (and some candy and whatnot) was missing. After frantically searching throughout the house, we eventually found out that Josh accidentally took it, thinking it was his. I got it back.
- - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday was our one-year anniversary. I used to not care about these types of things. The only other time I made it to one year, my heart was completely not in it anymore. And I ended the relationship soon after.
This time is a little different. I came over the night before and tried to make it special. The next morning (the day of), he made himself busy with packing boxes rather than spending any time with me. I sat alone on his bed and browsed Facebook as I usually do when I'm at his house. I don't care for Facebook as often as I'm on it. I just get on it merely for something to pass the time, especially when I'm at his house.
So, I was a little bummed about that. While he was packing, he asked, "You're not going to be mad that I'm packing instead of spending time with you, are you?" (I mean, c'mon, if you have to ask...) I tried to be as compliant as possible, and told him, "No, you've got stuff to do..." I was just hoping, you know, an anniversary of all days could be different. So after spending no time together and not talking to each other until it was time to take me home (while he went to work), we got in the car. He brought it up in the car that he knew I was mad at him because I wasn't smiling. I told him it would have been nice to spend a little time together. He said he's just not used to this kind of thing because he used to be a shitty boyfriend (his last relationship was, apparently, shitty on both sides), and he said it would be better that night when he got off of work.
He dropped me off, and I spent the entire time he was at work cooking and baking. I baked him a lemon-lime cake roll thing that, despite all the things that went wrong and all the things I had to throw out and re-make, turned out pretty good. He really liked it, and he doesn't like cake usually. I made him a card with a long message in it and ended it with "I love you." We've never said it to each other before. When we got to his house, and he read it, he was floored - literally. I was sitting on the floor in front of the heater, and he immediately lay me down and kissed me. We lay on the floor for awhile. My heart warmed when he whispered, "I love you too, baby" in my ear. So I was happy for the time being.
- - - - - - - - - -
The night before our anniversary we talked (a little - we never talk [seriously] much). He said something about how we've had our biggest fight, and he was referring to the one on Christmas. I told him the one before that (the drug-related one) was way bigger to me. He said he shrugged that one off, which kinda pissed me off. He only thought the Christmas one was the biggest one because that's the one where he SAW me cry. I didn't tell him that I cried for two days over the other fight. I cried so much, my body couldn't handle the stress, and I got sick. By day two, I had a massive headache, debilitating nausea, and my entire body felt like it was a thousand degrees. I was so miserable those two days, and especially that night I got sick. (I did tell him I was way more miserable over that fight, but I don't think he'll ever understand just how upsetting it was for me - just like I'll never understand, as he said, just how not-big-of-a-deal it was to him)... I probably would have cried longer, but day three is when Dillon stopped by.
I hung out with Dillon, and he mentioned Max, so I said I could get him to come over. Max came over before work and hung out for an hour. I didn't talk to him much while he was here. While he was at work, Dillon and I went out to eat, and it was ridiculously windy outside. When we got back to my house, a horrible storm came through. Tornadoes and whatnot. The power was out for a couple hours or more, so we say in darkness. After it was all over, Max got off work and came over. We all went to his house so he and Dillon could play guitar. We stayed there til 4am. Would have been later, but I told Dillon we need to go because I had to wake up and be somewhere the next day.
The next day, Sunday, I went to Nana's for our big family Christmas. Max had to work, but everyone asked where he was anyway. It was nice to see my whole family. My cousin Nick came up from San Antonio on leave and no one told Nana. He casually walked in the door carrying presents, she saw him out of the corner of her eye, did a double take, and freaked out. She held her mouth open in surprised for a good minute, and then started crying. "Why did no one tell me! I'm going to shoot everyone one of you!" Because we all knew and she didn't. It was also a surprise to Poppa. He was taking a picture of Bam when Nick walked in, so he completely missed all the excitement. He stood up (after Nana's whole episode that he missed), and saw Nick and exclaimed, "Oh, my God!" It was great. It was also a surprise to Ryan and Kate and Larry, but pretty much everyone else already knew.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Someday he will celebrate his silent victory
I've come to the conclusion that relationships are just bad for my health. I'm going to hate myself no matter what as long as I am in one. My crazy has just become too apparent to me, and it generates a lot of self-loathing.
He has done so much for me today alone; yet, I am still unhappy. I can never just shake the feeling.
I guess I get jealous of his friends. And I handle jealousy with waves of depression. He just ignores me so much for them. I asked him a yes-or-no question while I was baking. He looked up at me, we made eye contact, and he looked back down at his laptop, and went back to typing and smiling at his friend Nic who I later realized he was video chatting with, but they weren't talking to each other. They were just watching each other type at each other. And that was more important than my question, which he never answered. I just went back to silently baking.
I guess he likes Nic more than me. It certainly seems that way because he always ALWAYS chooses to focus his attention on Nic over me. When we're together, he's always texting Nic. Or messaging him on Facebook. And ignoring anything I say even though I am here with him in person...
And I don't understand it because he always tells me how Nic guilt trips him and makes him have anxiety attacks. He even made a separate facebook account to "get away from Nic," but based on how smiley and giggly he was looking at Nic while they typed at each other, I don't believe that.
Maybe he just likes people who treat him like shit.
Regardless, he certainly likes them more then me.
He has done so much for me today alone; yet, I am still unhappy. I can never just shake the feeling.
I guess I get jealous of his friends. And I handle jealousy with waves of depression. He just ignores me so much for them. I asked him a yes-or-no question while I was baking. He looked up at me, we made eye contact, and he looked back down at his laptop, and went back to typing and smiling at his friend Nic who I later realized he was video chatting with, but they weren't talking to each other. They were just watching each other type at each other. And that was more important than my question, which he never answered. I just went back to silently baking.
I guess he likes Nic more than me. It certainly seems that way because he always ALWAYS chooses to focus his attention on Nic over me. When we're together, he's always texting Nic. Or messaging him on Facebook. And ignoring anything I say even though I am here with him in person...
And I don't understand it because he always tells me how Nic guilt trips him and makes him have anxiety attacks. He even made a separate facebook account to "get away from Nic," but based on how smiley and giggly he was looking at Nic while they typed at each other, I don't believe that.
Maybe he just likes people who treat him like shit.
Regardless, he certainly likes them more then me.
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