I've been finding myself uncharacteristically bored lately. I think I need to actually get up and start getting shit done... tomorrow. Maybe tonight.
Max and I are going to hang out tonight. He's supposed to pick me up after work. He asked me if we are still going to hang out tonight, and I said, "As long as nothing comes up on your part, most likely." And he took the hint and said he won't "bullshit" me. I guess we'll find out in a few hours.
Here's a survey solely for something to do:
Friday, July 19, 2013
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Ecstasy and Exhaustion
I'm watching new Whose Line as I type this. It makes me so happy. (It also makes it hard to type this).
So, Max and I went to the Brighten concert the other night. I told him beforehand that he wasn't going to like any of the music. And he didn't haha. But he did appreciate Justin's guitar playing.
Oh, and speaking of Justin: I fucking met him! I still get ecstatic thinking about it. It was so great. I got to talk to him and get a picture with him because we ran into him behind the venue as we were walking to the line. No one else was over there bothering him and company, and at first I didn't want to bother him, but Max initiated the conversation, and I am so glad he did. I'm so glad I went to the show with HIM. If it weren't for him initiating all the conversations with the band members, I would have been way too shy to do it myself, and I wouldn't have had nearly as good of a time as I did.
July 11: Okay, so there's a ton that I could write about this, but I'm gonna try to make it quick. All the performances were great, and I loved them all. Justin was lovely with Brighten even if the rest of the band wasn't there and had to be filled in with other musicians. I met Joel and Sean of this Century after the show, and they were so personable and sociable and genuine. I loved it. Sean said This Century will be back in the Fall and he said if the show sells out before we get tickets than he'll get us some. I'm going to try to buy tickets of course, but I thought that was really cool of him. I definitely want to see them and meet them again. We met Nick of A Rocket to the Moon cuz he was Max's favorite. I asked him why this was Rocket's last tour, and he said they're "just calling it quits." But he did confirm for me that they would all continue to make music individually.
So, I had a bit of a headache the entire time, but when we got in the car to leave, I was feeling pretty sick. I proceeded to get the single worst migraine I've ever had in all my 20 years of living. We had to stop at a gas station and sit in the parking lot for about 20 minutes while I sat there thinking I was going to throw up. He couldn't find any anti-nausea medicine in the store. He told me the next day he would have sat in that parking lot all night if we had to. When I knew I wasn't going to throw up, I wrapped my jacket around my head and rode the entire way home doubled over in the seat. It was rough. And as soon as we got to his house, I opened the car door and threw up all in the driveway. Since I didn't eat much all day, I only threw up a bunch of water, so it wasn't so bad. I felt tremendously better after throwing up too. And that's not saying much considering I thought I was going to die. The nausea was gone, but the head pain was so piercing, I went inside, took off my clothes and curled in the fetal position on his bed. I was scared that when I fell asleep I would never wake up. I don't know why I thought that. The pain was just so intense. Also, I have never thrown up with a migraine before. I ALWAYS feel nauseated, but it has never escalated to such a devastating level... I passed out and woke up about 2 hours later feeling perfectly fine... just dehydrated, weak, and dizzy. I got out of bed and found him in the living room on his laptop, told him I was feeling better, and he came back to bed with me. He was really sweet and took good care of me... as much as he could anyway. There's really nothing that can be done once the migraine is in full effect. He made it dark and quiet and made me comfortable though. And I really appreciate that.
I knew that if I died, at least I would die happy. Because I had such a great time at the concert and got to MEET JUSTIN RICHARDS AND SEE BRIGHTEN LIVE. Cross that item off the 'ol bucket list.
July 12: My mom and I went to Logan's house. I'm not sure if I mentioned this at all, but I am moving in there. I'll be living with Logan, Lee, and Matt. My mom wanted to see the house before completely agreeing to it. She's on board after seeing it! I get my own bedroom and a bathroom all to myself. It's "ideal" according to her. Which is great because I was determined not to live on campus again. I hate living on campus. The only good thing about living on campus was the proximity. I'll be walking about three blocks to campus now, but it'll be early in the morning, so I hope it'll be safe.
July 13: It was super late at night and Max was over at Jon's house (where he always is if not at work or with me). Everyone over there started fighting, so he rode his bike - drunk - to my house. He was really drunk... haha. And we passed out on the couch (I wasn't sure how my mom would feel about waking up with him there on the couch, but she never said anything about it. She seems to have accepted that I stay the night at his house all the time anyway). He came over at, like, 4am, and I woke him at 8am to go to work. I knew he was going to regret having ridden his bike there by morning. Because he had to ride his bike back to his house to get ready for work in the morning.
July 14: I have to tell this story now. So, the day after he came over drunk, Max and I had already made plans, days in advance, to hang out when he got off work. That means we had discussed it both in person and over text. So it only makes sense that I was expecting it, right? When he got off of work at 3pm, he told me he had to run a friend to Nashville. I was fine with that. No big deal. That would only take a couple hours... except that I didn't hear from him for the rest of the day. I waited... and I waited... and I waited. I even turned down plans to hang out with other people because I "already had plans" that day. And I waited... by 10pm, I grew impatient, and I texted him a simple, "Hey." He responded almost immediately saying his phone had died. Then I became furious. What's wrong with that response is that: if his phone really did die, he could have contacted me via Facebook or simply plugged his phone in and contacted me while it was on the charger. He has a car charger. He could have charged it wherever he was. I can guarantee his phone probably never died that night. He said he got stuck at Jon's watching Django. So, basically what he did was he went to Nashville, came back, essentially wrote me off and went to Jon's house, didn't even try once to contact me in any way the entire time, and just stayed at Jon's house. So... our PLANS to hang out for the day had basically been canceled without my knowledge. I was so, SO upset with him. And that's what my last vague, angsty post was about. He asked me over text message if I wanted to hang out, with which I responded, "I thought that was the plan...". He said he had "procrastinated." You can not pull that bullshit on me. I was so mad, and I am going to repeat that several times because I cannot express just how pissed off I was. I texted him and told him I had literally waited around all day and if he wanted to just stay at Jon's house, then he could do just that. He told me he was coming to pick me up. So, when he picked me up, I was still fuming - silently. I didn't talk much in the car and refused to hold his hand. Since I'm so fucking passive and can't just express my anger upfront, I mentioned that, "I didn't think we were going to hang out." And he got the message that I was upset with him. I just wish I could have been more direct. And when we got to his house, he passed out after about an hour, so I was just bored and angry and wish I hadn't have come at all.
I have finally learned a lesson that if someone does something once, they will do it again. So next time he does this to me (because there will be next time), I am prepared to release my wrath because I don't think what little anger I outwardly expressed that night was enough to make a lasting impression. Let's hope next time it is.
And, you know, I'm not sure if I was irrationally angry, but I am so tired of the disappointment. I'm tired of the ruined expectations and crushed hopes. His biggest flaw is his unreliability/non-promptness. I'm going to instill that in him eventually. I don't try to change people. Ever. But I will make him self-aware of this character flaw because it can only help him to change it.
Sigh. So anyway... I stayed the night every night after that until tonight... so, like, the last 4 nights in a row. I still get mad thinking about that night, but I'm not going to just be mad about it forever. We had a good time the last few nights. He moved to a new place, and we stayed the night in the new place last night, and that was fun.
July 15: I hung out with Mecha and finally gave him the souvenirs I got him from Italy. We went thrifting, but didn't hang out long. When I got home, I was locked out because no one was home and I forgot my key. Max was hanging out with his friend Nic, but came and got me anyway. I didn't ask him to. I just told him I was going to sit on the porch until someone came home. But we all went to Office Depot so he could buy a new laptop. While there, I ran into Logan and his girlfriend (the one who formerly hated me and probably still does for all I know). I chatted with him for awhile and she was nice and all, but that's just how girls are: nice to your face. We went back to Max's place and Nic joked that he *coincidentally* had a "girlfriend" named "Hayley Dwarf" who was also a graphic designer and her twitter name is "HispanicDIY" (because my twitter name is spanishindie). I thought his jokes were hilarious. At one point he said his "girlfriend" speaks Spanish, so I asked, "Did she teach herself?" And he kept talking, but then he stopped to laugh because he was late to get the joke. It was a good time though. Also, Nic helped Max move the next day and Max bought me a bike off of Nic so I can use it when I go back to school instead of having to walk the whole 3 blocks. He bought it without consulting me or anything, and I thought that was really nice of him.
So, again, as usual, I know this whole post is mostly about Max, but we've spent so much time together lately, and he's all I have going on right now. It actually feels a bit weird to be apart from him and especially to sleep alone and at my own house. I'm gonna miss the hell out of him when I'm at school. We'll still get to see each other, just not nearly as often.
So, Max and I went to the Brighten concert the other night. I told him beforehand that he wasn't going to like any of the music. And he didn't haha. But he did appreciate Justin's guitar playing.
Oh, and speaking of Justin: I fucking met him! I still get ecstatic thinking about it. It was so great. I got to talk to him and get a picture with him because we ran into him behind the venue as we were walking to the line. No one else was over there bothering him and company, and at first I didn't want to bother him, but Max initiated the conversation, and I am so glad he did. I'm so glad I went to the show with HIM. If it weren't for him initiating all the conversations with the band members, I would have been way too shy to do it myself, and I wouldn't have had nearly as good of a time as I did.
July 11: Okay, so there's a ton that I could write about this, but I'm gonna try to make it quick. All the performances were great, and I loved them all. Justin was lovely with Brighten even if the rest of the band wasn't there and had to be filled in with other musicians. I met Joel and Sean of this Century after the show, and they were so personable and sociable and genuine. I loved it. Sean said This Century will be back in the Fall and he said if the show sells out before we get tickets than he'll get us some. I'm going to try to buy tickets of course, but I thought that was really cool of him. I definitely want to see them and meet them again. We met Nick of A Rocket to the Moon cuz he was Max's favorite. I asked him why this was Rocket's last tour, and he said they're "just calling it quits." But he did confirm for me that they would all continue to make music individually.
So, I had a bit of a headache the entire time, but when we got in the car to leave, I was feeling pretty sick. I proceeded to get the single worst migraine I've ever had in all my 20 years of living. We had to stop at a gas station and sit in the parking lot for about 20 minutes while I sat there thinking I was going to throw up. He couldn't find any anti-nausea medicine in the store. He told me the next day he would have sat in that parking lot all night if we had to. When I knew I wasn't going to throw up, I wrapped my jacket around my head and rode the entire way home doubled over in the seat. It was rough. And as soon as we got to his house, I opened the car door and threw up all in the driveway. Since I didn't eat much all day, I only threw up a bunch of water, so it wasn't so bad. I felt tremendously better after throwing up too. And that's not saying much considering I thought I was going to die. The nausea was gone, but the head pain was so piercing, I went inside, took off my clothes and curled in the fetal position on his bed. I was scared that when I fell asleep I would never wake up. I don't know why I thought that. The pain was just so intense. Also, I have never thrown up with a migraine before. I ALWAYS feel nauseated, but it has never escalated to such a devastating level... I passed out and woke up about 2 hours later feeling perfectly fine... just dehydrated, weak, and dizzy. I got out of bed and found him in the living room on his laptop, told him I was feeling better, and he came back to bed with me. He was really sweet and took good care of me... as much as he could anyway. There's really nothing that can be done once the migraine is in full effect. He made it dark and quiet and made me comfortable though. And I really appreciate that.
I knew that if I died, at least I would die happy. Because I had such a great time at the concert and got to MEET JUSTIN RICHARDS AND SEE BRIGHTEN LIVE. Cross that item off the 'ol bucket list.
July 12: My mom and I went to Logan's house. I'm not sure if I mentioned this at all, but I am moving in there. I'll be living with Logan, Lee, and Matt. My mom wanted to see the house before completely agreeing to it. She's on board after seeing it! I get my own bedroom and a bathroom all to myself. It's "ideal" according to her. Which is great because I was determined not to live on campus again. I hate living on campus. The only good thing about living on campus was the proximity. I'll be walking about three blocks to campus now, but it'll be early in the morning, so I hope it'll be safe.
July 13: It was super late at night and Max was over at Jon's house (where he always is if not at work or with me). Everyone over there started fighting, so he rode his bike - drunk - to my house. He was really drunk... haha. And we passed out on the couch (I wasn't sure how my mom would feel about waking up with him there on the couch, but she never said anything about it. She seems to have accepted that I stay the night at his house all the time anyway). He came over at, like, 4am, and I woke him at 8am to go to work. I knew he was going to regret having ridden his bike there by morning. Because he had to ride his bike back to his house to get ready for work in the morning.
July 14: I have to tell this story now. So, the day after he came over drunk, Max and I had already made plans, days in advance, to hang out when he got off work. That means we had discussed it both in person and over text. So it only makes sense that I was expecting it, right? When he got off of work at 3pm, he told me he had to run a friend to Nashville. I was fine with that. No big deal. That would only take a couple hours... except that I didn't hear from him for the rest of the day. I waited... and I waited... and I waited. I even turned down plans to hang out with other people because I "already had plans" that day. And I waited... by 10pm, I grew impatient, and I texted him a simple, "Hey." He responded almost immediately saying his phone had died. Then I became furious. What's wrong with that response is that: if his phone really did die, he could have contacted me via Facebook or simply plugged his phone in and contacted me while it was on the charger. He has a car charger. He could have charged it wherever he was. I can guarantee his phone probably never died that night. He said he got stuck at Jon's watching Django. So, basically what he did was he went to Nashville, came back, essentially wrote me off and went to Jon's house, didn't even try once to contact me in any way the entire time, and just stayed at Jon's house. So... our PLANS to hang out for the day had basically been canceled without my knowledge. I was so, SO upset with him. And that's what my last vague, angsty post was about. He asked me over text message if I wanted to hang out, with which I responded, "I thought that was the plan...". He said he had "procrastinated." You can not pull that bullshit on me. I was so mad, and I am going to repeat that several times because I cannot express just how pissed off I was. I texted him and told him I had literally waited around all day and if he wanted to just stay at Jon's house, then he could do just that. He told me he was coming to pick me up. So, when he picked me up, I was still fuming - silently. I didn't talk much in the car and refused to hold his hand. Since I'm so fucking passive and can't just express my anger upfront, I mentioned that, "I didn't think we were going to hang out." And he got the message that I was upset with him. I just wish I could have been more direct. And when we got to his house, he passed out after about an hour, so I was just bored and angry and wish I hadn't have come at all.
I have finally learned a lesson that if someone does something once, they will do it again. So next time he does this to me (because there will be next time), I am prepared to release my wrath because I don't think what little anger I outwardly expressed that night was enough to make a lasting impression. Let's hope next time it is.
And, you know, I'm not sure if I was irrationally angry, but I am so tired of the disappointment. I'm tired of the ruined expectations and crushed hopes. His biggest flaw is his unreliability/non-promptness. I'm going to instill that in him eventually. I don't try to change people. Ever. But I will make him self-aware of this character flaw because it can only help him to change it.
Sigh. So anyway... I stayed the night every night after that until tonight... so, like, the last 4 nights in a row. I still get mad thinking about that night, but I'm not going to just be mad about it forever. We had a good time the last few nights. He moved to a new place, and we stayed the night in the new place last night, and that was fun.
July 15: I hung out with Mecha and finally gave him the souvenirs I got him from Italy. We went thrifting, but didn't hang out long. When I got home, I was locked out because no one was home and I forgot my key. Max was hanging out with his friend Nic, but came and got me anyway. I didn't ask him to. I just told him I was going to sit on the porch until someone came home. But we all went to Office Depot so he could buy a new laptop. While there, I ran into Logan and his girlfriend (the one who formerly hated me and probably still does for all I know). I chatted with him for awhile and she was nice and all, but that's just how girls are: nice to your face. We went back to Max's place and Nic joked that he *coincidentally* had a "girlfriend" named "Hayley Dwarf" who was also a graphic designer and her twitter name is "HispanicDIY" (because my twitter name is spanishindie). I thought his jokes were hilarious. At one point he said his "girlfriend" speaks Spanish, so I asked, "Did she teach herself?" And he kept talking, but then he stopped to laugh because he was late to get the joke. It was a good time though. Also, Nic helped Max move the next day and Max bought me a bike off of Nic so I can use it when I go back to school instead of having to walk the whole 3 blocks. He bought it without consulting me or anything, and I thought that was really nice of him.
So, again, as usual, I know this whole post is mostly about Max, but we've spent so much time together lately, and he's all I have going on right now. It actually feels a bit weird to be apart from him and especially to sleep alone and at my own house. I'm gonna miss the hell out of him when I'm at school. We'll still get to see each other, just not nearly as often.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Anger
When you ask me if I'm mad at you
I don't want to say yes (though I am)
Because you'll ask why
And I don't want to explain or incite an argument
So I fume in silence
I know it's not good for me
And especially not good for us
I don't think I'll ever overcome this
And it will destroy every relationship I bother to build upon
It's always my fault
I don't want to say yes (though I am)
Because you'll ask why
And I don't want to explain or incite an argument
So I fume in silence
I know it's not good for me
And especially not good for us
I don't think I'll ever overcome this
And it will destroy every relationship I bother to build upon
It's always my fault
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Somehow I knew this would happen
It's 12:50am. I showered, cleaned, packed up all of my stuff... and waited. I was all ready to go. I was supposed to go to Max's house tonight to stay the night so we could get up and go to Nashville tomorrow for the concert. But, of course, he just got off work and texted me to cancel those plans. Somehow I knew this would happen. And I understand that he's tired, I mean it's fucking midnight and he just got off of work. So, I'm not angry about it. I just can't help but feel disappointed... as usual.
I'm seeing Brighten tomorrow (technically later today...). Along with A Rocket to the Moon, This Century, and The Maine. I'll talk about that later maybe.
We were going to see City and Colour together in September, but he is going to Gonerfest in Memphis which overlaps the City and Colour concert, so unless I can find someone else to go with, I guess I won't be seeing City and Colour. My biggest reason for not going to shows is not having anyone to go with because you know I don't want to go alone. I love to BE alone, but I hate having to do things alone. My other reason is having no transportation. Or money... or it doesn't fit into my schedule...
Anyway. I guess I'm sad and tired now, so I'm going to watch a movie, eat my feelings, and fall asleep.
I'm seeing Brighten tomorrow (technically later today...). Along with A Rocket to the Moon, This Century, and The Maine. I'll talk about that later maybe.
We were going to see City and Colour together in September, but he is going to Gonerfest in Memphis which overlaps the City and Colour concert, so unless I can find someone else to go with, I guess I won't be seeing City and Colour. My biggest reason for not going to shows is not having anyone to go with because you know I don't want to go alone. I love to BE alone, but I hate having to do things alone. My other reason is having no transportation. Or money... or it doesn't fit into my schedule...
Anyway. I guess I'm sad and tired now, so I'm going to watch a movie, eat my feelings, and fall asleep.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Maxin' Out
There's a fire in your heart; don't let it out. You're just the way I prayed that you would be.
A few things to talk about I guess... I turned in all my work for my Italy/study abroad last month. Max took me all the way to school to turn it in, then we went to Logan's house. I hadn't been there in six months prior to this last visit. Max got to meet Matt but not Lee (and he has already met Logan, of course). We all went out for sushi, but when my food arrived (which was no sushi but General Tso's cuz I'm lame) I took one bite and instantly wanted to throw up. I had to go hang out in the bathroom for awhile just to be safe. I don't really know why I was feeling sick that day. I think it was from the heat and getting motion sick in the car. Afterward, we hung out with roommate from Italy who is staying on campus. She was a lot more laid back, which was both a surprise and a relief.
Then we went to Guitar Center in Nashville. There I met a business connection in the form of a Guitar Center Sales Associate. Through some talking, I found out he does EDM shows and was in need of a better flyer designer, which I gladly I accepted the hint. I gave him my contact info, but he has yet to contact me.
Next, we went to Nana's house. I used the GPS on my phone because we're both terrible with directions, and I was so confused why my GPS was saying it would take 4 hours and why it was taking us down obscure streets instead of main highways... I thought it was just glitching until I realized I had it set to "walking" directions. It was a lovely mistake because it took us down the most scenic route! And on the way, we stopped at an old car wash that was covered in graffiti. You could tell it was a community project or something because it wasn't just mindless trashy-looking graffiti. It was actually art, and it was awesome because every inch was covered in art. And there was a woman there and her little girl and when we were leaving the little girl kept saying bye, so Max was yelling bye back at her out the car window. And she yelled, "I love you!" And Max blew her kisses and it was just such a precious moment.
We finally got to Nana's, and I stayed there for a week when Max picked me up and brought me home (to his house first of course).
Oh, the day before I left I was lounging in the pool when (my cousin)Nick came over with P. I did not expect to see P, and P did not expect to see me. In fact, he told me he didn't know I was going to be there and that he was trying to avoid me. Of course, he didn't say it rudely and he said it jokingly, and I told him he can still avoid me. But he didn't. We talked and had a good time and he respected my personal space and didn't make any smart remarks about my boyfriend (because even though that subject never came up, in my past relationship, he would always try to find a reason to bring the subject up and trash my relationship). I was surprised by his appropriate behavior and very pleased and it made me happy that he was actually nice and RESPECTABLE towards me.
Now what has happened since then...?
I hung out with Michael! We saw This is the End, and it was a very funny movie. I liked it a lot. 10/10 would see again. When we were leaving, I caught a glance of John there out of the corner of my eye, and if I didn't totally believe that he hates me right now (because he deleted me off of Facebook, which is a huge indicator to me that someone doesn't like me), I would have most definitely went up to him and said hi and all that jazz. But since I'm pretty sure he hates me, I decided not to make it awkward and continued out the door...
After the movies, we spontaneously stopped at the bowling alley for a quick game of pool - no bets this time. Michael respects my relationship and is still willing to be friends with me and I swear he is one of the greatest people I've ever met because of his level of understanding and I should probably tell him that. Anyway, we played a game of pool. I really suck at pool... but luck is never in his favor. He was certainly 100% better than me and actually made some balls go in the pockets, while I missed every single shot. Unfortunately, he made the 8-ball go in prematurely, causing me to automatically win despite the fact I had yet to make a single shot. We kept playing anyway. We weren't taking it too seriously. And unlike last time, there was, of course, no making out afterward because, like I said, all bets were off. Ha.
I hung out with Mecha too! The very next day. I wasn't sure if he actually believed I was in a relationship or not when I first told him because there are no signs of it really on Facebook (except my relationship status which isn't even connected to his account - and I like it that way - we both do: "A sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook."). So the day we were going to hang out, I texted him apologizing for not responding the night before because I "fell asleep at my boyfriends house." Which was true. I halfway live with him right now because I spend so many nights there. So anyway, I normally don't talk about my boyfriend with my friends. Because the majority of my friends are male, and I don't think they want to hear about Max. That is why I unload all of my Max stories here. It's the only place I can talk about him! The only con of not having female friends... Bah, I digress. Mecha and I hung out at his grandparents house in Hickman where my phone gets absolutely zero service. His grandparents are in Maine for the summer, so he's just house-sitting. It was pretty fun. We took the dog on a walk and watched movies and ate pizza and drank pina coladas (very delicious! Way better than the one I had in Italy because this one was actually frozen and sweeter). I think he kinda assumed I was going to stay the night because we had planned on drinking, but I told him I needed to go home that night, so we didn't drink much since he had to drive me home. I felt kinda bad for making him drive me all the way back, but, like... I wasn't prepared to stay the night and I'm not sure how appropriate that would be. I know Max wouldn't protest (because of course I'd tell him about it), but I know it wouldn't sit well with him, and I don't want to do that to him. When I got home, I was locked out of the house and had forgotten my key. I woke my mom up by calling and she let me in.
Mecha got me a "dragontooth" necklace from the Renaissance festival. It's pretty neat. I still need to give him the little souvenirs I got him in Italy.
For the Fourth of July, I went to my dad's house where I hung out with my dad, Keith, Ryan, Winter, Kate, and Mike. Then Ashley showed up. Oh, yeah. She's back by the way... I don't want to tell the whole story, but her and Josh seem to be doing better. They most definitely weren't on pills that night. I could tell (anyone can). And Josh showed up later after working all day. And Matt, a guy Ryan works with (he's super nice), stopped in as well. And it was pretty fun. Then mom and Ron stopped by and we shot off fireworks and had a gay old time.
Dad kept drunkenly bringing up Max, and I felt so awkward talking about it with other people there because I'm not sure how much everyone else knows. But at this point: everyone knows. It is no longer a secret. The cat is entirely out of the bag. But just because everyone knows, doesn't mean we go around flaunting it now. We're still very exclusive. We keep our relationship between just the two of us. When we're together, we're together alone.
There have been negatives. I always try to chalk it up to irrational girl emotions though. But I think the fact that there are negatives and that I do get upset is a good, healthy thing. I'll explain further in a minute.
Some examples from just these past two days alone: I was at Max's house. It was already late at night and we were lying in bed watching a movie when there was a knock at the door. He jumped up, put on pants, and answered the door. I listened while he stepped outside to talk to whoever it was there at 11:30 at night. It was (his friend) Mat asking if he wanted to come over to Mat's house to jam. And he said, "okay." When he came back to bed he told me all this and said he didn't mean to say okay, that it was an automated response, and now he didn't want to have lied to Mat. He presented the choices: hang out with Mat for a minute or stay with me. My answer, "Well, what do you want to do?" I wasn't about to demand he stay with me (though, of course, that's what I wanted). He said out loud that he wanted to stay with me. But he didn't want to lie to Mat. So he asked me if it would be alright if he went over there. And I said fine. I said I will just lie here and watch the movie. He said he wouldn't be gone long, and then he went to Mat's. I was a little disappointed, I guess. Just sad, really. I wanted to spend time with him, but I will never take him away from his friends or make him choose. It's just that... I've seen this behavior in the way other girls treat their boyfriends, and it annoys me, and I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be clingy or bossy or what have you. So, I let him have all the freedom he can get. And I lay there and watched the movie alone in his bed for an hour until he came back. He did text me shortly after leaving saying, "I'm sorry I left you ):". And when he got back he said he instantly felt bad when he left. But meh. I thought about just falling asleep while he was gone so he would come back to me sleeping. I think he would have felt really guilty then, but I hate giving guilt trips, so I didn't. Plus I wanted to watch the movie...
The very next day, he dropped me off at my house for awhile. We had plans to hang out later that night. I worked on saving files from my old laptop and he went to (his friend) Jon's house to hang out for awhile. He told me he'd be by to get me at 7. I was ready to go at 7. He texted me saying he was on his way. Then he texted me, "Hey." which is always a setup for disappointment. With which I wrote back, "Hey." He said Jon got sad that he was leaving so he was going to stay and hang out with Jon longer so Jon didn't have to be all alone... I promptly took off my shoes and did not respond. Jon is a grown man. Jon can stand to be alone for an hour of his life. Jon will be okay... When Max finally did show up, he had to wait outside for awhile because then I wasn't ready for him. Such is the game of revenge. When I got in the car I told him I wasn't ready because I wasn't expecting him any time soon. My little way of telling him, "You are never on time. You always do this to me." Because he does always do this to me. I've slowly been learning not to get my hopes up. Every time we are supposed to be together at a certain time, something always always comes up. There has never been a single time that I can remember where he has been on time. C'est la vie, I suppose.
Returning to the subject of why I think my little disappointments are healthy is because I think it just proves how much I care. Maybe? I get so excited to see him and get my hopes up, and when it doesn't happen when expected, my hopes are crushed. And it's really hard to shake off that feeling. I try to hide it from him. Because I'm still the non-confrontational coward I've always been. But when I'm disappointed, and we finally get to hang out, I don't just automatically perk up like it never happened. I have to wait for it to slowly wear off while I'm with him. I just don't want to make him feel guilty although maybe he should...
So, today, after I woke up in his bed at 2pm, I came back home and had a text from Dav saying she stopped by to see me. I haven't seen her in over a year and kinda thought she had written me off, but I got to hang out with her today and it was fun. We even hung out with this other girl who I formerly somewhat detested for a few reasons that I won't get into because this post is entirely too long. She was cool though. We went to Max's work because Dav was hungry and wanted steak, and I was like, "I know a guy. I have connections." And I got to see Max at work, and he was super cute being all awkward and shyly hiding out by the corner (when he escaped out of the kitchen) until I got up to go talk to him. I told the waitress when we first got there to give Max a message, "...to make the steak extra good because it's for Hayley's friend." And that's how he knew I was there. So he got to meet Dav (and she thought her steak was delicious haha).
At midnight tonight, after he got off work, we were talking on Facebook and I mentioned I had a bad headache and wished I had BC medicine. He then brought me BC even though I didn't ask him to. And I thought that was extremely sweet. If that's not love then I don't want anything else.
So, yes, the majority of this post was about Max as many of my last posts have been. I guess this is just the Summer of Max. I've been spending a lot of time with him, and let me just say this as casually as I can make it sound because it feels like a giant weakness to admit the L-word, but I'm feelin' it.
A few things to talk about I guess... I turned in all my work for my Italy/study abroad last month. Max took me all the way to school to turn it in, then we went to Logan's house. I hadn't been there in six months prior to this last visit. Max got to meet Matt but not Lee (and he has already met Logan, of course). We all went out for sushi, but when my food arrived (which was no sushi but General Tso's cuz I'm lame) I took one bite and instantly wanted to throw up. I had to go hang out in the bathroom for awhile just to be safe. I don't really know why I was feeling sick that day. I think it was from the heat and getting motion sick in the car. Afterward, we hung out with roommate from Italy who is staying on campus. She was a lot more laid back, which was both a surprise and a relief.
Then we went to Guitar Center in Nashville. There I met a business connection in the form of a Guitar Center Sales Associate. Through some talking, I found out he does EDM shows and was in need of a better flyer designer, which I gladly I accepted the hint. I gave him my contact info, but he has yet to contact me.
Next, we went to Nana's house. I used the GPS on my phone because we're both terrible with directions, and I was so confused why my GPS was saying it would take 4 hours and why it was taking us down obscure streets instead of main highways... I thought it was just glitching until I realized I had it set to "walking" directions. It was a lovely mistake because it took us down the most scenic route! And on the way, we stopped at an old car wash that was covered in graffiti. You could tell it was a community project or something because it wasn't just mindless trashy-looking graffiti. It was actually art, and it was awesome because every inch was covered in art. And there was a woman there and her little girl and when we were leaving the little girl kept saying bye, so Max was yelling bye back at her out the car window. And she yelled, "I love you!" And Max blew her kisses and it was just such a precious moment.
We finally got to Nana's, and I stayed there for a week when Max picked me up and brought me home (to his house first of course).
Oh, the day before I left I was lounging in the pool when (my cousin)Nick came over with P. I did not expect to see P, and P did not expect to see me. In fact, he told me he didn't know I was going to be there and that he was trying to avoid me. Of course, he didn't say it rudely and he said it jokingly, and I told him he can still avoid me. But he didn't. We talked and had a good time and he respected my personal space and didn't make any smart remarks about my boyfriend (because even though that subject never came up, in my past relationship, he would always try to find a reason to bring the subject up and trash my relationship). I was surprised by his appropriate behavior and very pleased and it made me happy that he was actually nice and RESPECTABLE towards me.
Now what has happened since then...?
I hung out with Michael! We saw This is the End, and it was a very funny movie. I liked it a lot. 10/10 would see again. When we were leaving, I caught a glance of John there out of the corner of my eye, and if I didn't totally believe that he hates me right now (because he deleted me off of Facebook, which is a huge indicator to me that someone doesn't like me), I would have most definitely went up to him and said hi and all that jazz. But since I'm pretty sure he hates me, I decided not to make it awkward and continued out the door...
After the movies, we spontaneously stopped at the bowling alley for a quick game of pool - no bets this time. Michael respects my relationship and is still willing to be friends with me and I swear he is one of the greatest people I've ever met because of his level of understanding and I should probably tell him that. Anyway, we played a game of pool. I really suck at pool... but luck is never in his favor. He was certainly 100% better than me and actually made some balls go in the pockets, while I missed every single shot. Unfortunately, he made the 8-ball go in prematurely, causing me to automatically win despite the fact I had yet to make a single shot. We kept playing anyway. We weren't taking it too seriously. And unlike last time, there was, of course, no making out afterward because, like I said, all bets were off. Ha.
I hung out with Mecha too! The very next day. I wasn't sure if he actually believed I was in a relationship or not when I first told him because there are no signs of it really on Facebook (except my relationship status which isn't even connected to his account - and I like it that way - we both do: "A sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook."). So the day we were going to hang out, I texted him apologizing for not responding the night before because I "fell asleep at my boyfriends house." Which was true. I halfway live with him right now because I spend so many nights there. So anyway, I normally don't talk about my boyfriend with my friends. Because the majority of my friends are male, and I don't think they want to hear about Max. That is why I unload all of my Max stories here. It's the only place I can talk about him! The only con of not having female friends... Bah, I digress. Mecha and I hung out at his grandparents house in Hickman where my phone gets absolutely zero service. His grandparents are in Maine for the summer, so he's just house-sitting. It was pretty fun. We took the dog on a walk and watched movies and ate pizza and drank pina coladas (very delicious! Way better than the one I had in Italy because this one was actually frozen and sweeter). I think he kinda assumed I was going to stay the night because we had planned on drinking, but I told him I needed to go home that night, so we didn't drink much since he had to drive me home. I felt kinda bad for making him drive me all the way back, but, like... I wasn't prepared to stay the night and I'm not sure how appropriate that would be. I know Max wouldn't protest (because of course I'd tell him about it), but I know it wouldn't sit well with him, and I don't want to do that to him. When I got home, I was locked out of the house and had forgotten my key. I woke my mom up by calling and she let me in.
Mecha got me a "dragontooth" necklace from the Renaissance festival. It's pretty neat. I still need to give him the little souvenirs I got him in Italy.
For the Fourth of July, I went to my dad's house where I hung out with my dad, Keith, Ryan, Winter, Kate, and Mike. Then Ashley showed up. Oh, yeah. She's back by the way... I don't want to tell the whole story, but her and Josh seem to be doing better. They most definitely weren't on pills that night. I could tell (anyone can). And Josh showed up later after working all day. And Matt, a guy Ryan works with (he's super nice), stopped in as well. And it was pretty fun. Then mom and Ron stopped by and we shot off fireworks and had a gay old time.
Dad kept drunkenly bringing up Max, and I felt so awkward talking about it with other people there because I'm not sure how much everyone else knows. But at this point: everyone knows. It is no longer a secret. The cat is entirely out of the bag. But just because everyone knows, doesn't mean we go around flaunting it now. We're still very exclusive. We keep our relationship between just the two of us. When we're together, we're together alone.
There have been negatives. I always try to chalk it up to irrational girl emotions though. But I think the fact that there are negatives and that I do get upset is a good, healthy thing. I'll explain further in a minute.
Some examples from just these past two days alone: I was at Max's house. It was already late at night and we were lying in bed watching a movie when there was a knock at the door. He jumped up, put on pants, and answered the door. I listened while he stepped outside to talk to whoever it was there at 11:30 at night. It was (his friend) Mat asking if he wanted to come over to Mat's house to jam. And he said, "okay." When he came back to bed he told me all this and said he didn't mean to say okay, that it was an automated response, and now he didn't want to have lied to Mat. He presented the choices: hang out with Mat for a minute or stay with me. My answer, "Well, what do you want to do?" I wasn't about to demand he stay with me (though, of course, that's what I wanted). He said out loud that he wanted to stay with me. But he didn't want to lie to Mat. So he asked me if it would be alright if he went over there. And I said fine. I said I will just lie here and watch the movie. He said he wouldn't be gone long, and then he went to Mat's. I was a little disappointed, I guess. Just sad, really. I wanted to spend time with him, but I will never take him away from his friends or make him choose. It's just that... I've seen this behavior in the way other girls treat their boyfriends, and it annoys me, and I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be clingy or bossy or what have you. So, I let him have all the freedom he can get. And I lay there and watched the movie alone in his bed for an hour until he came back. He did text me shortly after leaving saying, "I'm sorry I left you ):". And when he got back he said he instantly felt bad when he left. But meh. I thought about just falling asleep while he was gone so he would come back to me sleeping. I think he would have felt really guilty then, but I hate giving guilt trips, so I didn't. Plus I wanted to watch the movie...
The very next day, he dropped me off at my house for awhile. We had plans to hang out later that night. I worked on saving files from my old laptop and he went to (his friend) Jon's house to hang out for awhile. He told me he'd be by to get me at 7. I was ready to go at 7. He texted me saying he was on his way. Then he texted me, "Hey." which is always a setup for disappointment. With which I wrote back, "Hey." He said Jon got sad that he was leaving so he was going to stay and hang out with Jon longer so Jon didn't have to be all alone... I promptly took off my shoes and did not respond. Jon is a grown man. Jon can stand to be alone for an hour of his life. Jon will be okay... When Max finally did show up, he had to wait outside for awhile because then I wasn't ready for him. Such is the game of revenge. When I got in the car I told him I wasn't ready because I wasn't expecting him any time soon. My little way of telling him, "You are never on time. You always do this to me." Because he does always do this to me. I've slowly been learning not to get my hopes up. Every time we are supposed to be together at a certain time, something always always comes up. There has never been a single time that I can remember where he has been on time. C'est la vie, I suppose.
Returning to the subject of why I think my little disappointments are healthy is because I think it just proves how much I care. Maybe? I get so excited to see him and get my hopes up, and when it doesn't happen when expected, my hopes are crushed. And it's really hard to shake off that feeling. I try to hide it from him. Because I'm still the non-confrontational coward I've always been. But when I'm disappointed, and we finally get to hang out, I don't just automatically perk up like it never happened. I have to wait for it to slowly wear off while I'm with him. I just don't want to make him feel guilty although maybe he should...
So, today, after I woke up in his bed at 2pm, I came back home and had a text from Dav saying she stopped by to see me. I haven't seen her in over a year and kinda thought she had written me off, but I got to hang out with her today and it was fun. We even hung out with this other girl who I formerly somewhat detested for a few reasons that I won't get into because this post is entirely too long. She was cool though. We went to Max's work because Dav was hungry and wanted steak, and I was like, "I know a guy. I have connections." And I got to see Max at work, and he was super cute being all awkward and shyly hiding out by the corner (when he escaped out of the kitchen) until I got up to go talk to him. I told the waitress when we first got there to give Max a message, "...to make the steak extra good because it's for Hayley's friend." And that's how he knew I was there. So he got to meet Dav (and she thought her steak was delicious haha).
At midnight tonight, after he got off work, we were talking on Facebook and I mentioned I had a bad headache and wished I had BC medicine. He then brought me BC even though I didn't ask him to. And I thought that was extremely sweet. If that's not love then I don't want anything else.
So, yes, the majority of this post was about Max as many of my last posts have been. I guess this is just the Summer of Max. I've been spending a lot of time with him, and let me just say this as casually as I can make it sound because it feels like a giant weakness to admit the L-word, but I'm feelin' it.
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