How do I go back to page one?

"I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't.”
-Marilyn Monroe. 

I'm going to do this. I'm going to answer one question a day. This is usually a Tumblr thing, but I don't want to share such personal information with Tumblr right now. I'll start tomorrow (or edit this post later today if it lists it this post under today's day since I'm editing it at midnight).

 

I've been reading a lot of my drafts. You know, the stuff that's too personal to even publish on a public, yet still very private, blog. They're madly interesting. To me. They make me feel weird though... Well, for example, one of them simply says, "I hate thinking of happy memories and not feeling happy about them." That pretty much sums it all up.

 Also, it annoys me when I have to turn my music down at midnight because someone in the other room is trying to "sleep" when that someone in the other room NEVER goes to bed this early, and in fact usually makes a bunch of noise (and sometimes cries loudly and obnoxiously for seemingly hours over petty reasons) until the wee hours of the morning. And I never said a word. It'll all be over in 3 weeks. Just 3 more weeks..

Everything in due time

I've got news, but I don't. I don't know what to say here, but I feel like I've got to say something...I guess, everything in due time... I've made decisions. I understand that there were certain parts of me that have yet to grow up, and I'm working on them now. The last couple of years I've pushed myself to go out of my comfort zone, to take chances and opportunities. Now I'm going to take control.

So, uh... here's this.
(It's extremely long and with thorough answers).

I'm Smarter Than You Think

Distancing. Am I doing this right?

I don't often find myself thinking this, but I wonder why I make such terrible decisions for myself. I should be making decisions that better myself, but I feel some of them hold me back. These are the types of decisions that I reflect on and feel stupid. My least favorite feeling is feeling stupid... I could have been smarter.

I don't feel like going into detail about what this is about exactly, but I will revisit this in the future - with specifics.

I'm just... surprised I feel this way I guess. I didn't see it coming. I never imagined this would happen. So I wasn't prepared, and now I don't know what to do about it. I never know what to do though.

I want to fix this. For myself. But I'm not that selfish. I'm too nice, and I can't imagine how devastating this will be... I wish I'd done it several months ago when I had it all set in stone.

So, I'm going to quit being vague, though I'm sure it has become obvious what I'm talking about by now. And I'm going to talk about something else.

I halfway jokingly said on Twitter, the day my phone fucked up, that Virgin Mobile owed be $100 (they still owe me $100 and I'll be damned if I don't get it). I didn't expect them to actually respond, but they did... They tried to help, but all they told me was what I already knew: that I had to send my defective phone back. I just know that when I do this, they are going to send me a refurbished one. I don't want refurbished... I don't want "guaranteed-to-break" again.

At least they actually interacted with me.

I half-assed a project for the first time this semester and my professor actually liked it. Weird.

Here's a survey. Sorry it's not interesting.

This week kicked my ass

Oh, my God. This week has been so shitty. I haven't felt like talking about it, and this is the third time I've tried to make post this week. Well, I guess technically since it's Sunday (Easter Sunday actually-not that that means anything to me. Just a regular day for me), I'm referring to last week. Such a shit storm. This is going to be ALL 100% complaining about my week because not many good things happened this week. So, I'm going to keep this short and not bitch in detail...

Well, first of all, I was super behind on my work/homework all week. I was so stressed about it. I've gotten most of it done though. I skipped class on Tuesday all day. This week has probably very negatively affected my grades. (I found out that at other schools attendance isn't even required. My school is so fucked up...). I woke up at 4am Thursday morning and wrote a paper. Surprised I finished it by 9am when it was due... Then I did homework nonstop all that day until almost 4am the next morning. 24 hours of nonstop homework... still didn't get everything done. But I DID get shit done. Then I only slept 4 hours that night. I was so exhausted Friday.

That's been the cause of most my stress all week: being behind, having so much homework, and lack of sleep.

A few days ago, Nikki and I decided to cook food, but we needed rice. So, she was going to buy it. We went to the store, and she got a bunch of snacks... she only brought $2 with her, so of course I had to pay for all of it. This happens almost every time we go anywhere.... I'm so sick of it. I can NOT afford to pay for her life. I've bought her so many snacks, meals, and art supplies. I'm not going anywhere with her anymore because I just can not afford it. I've told her countless times that I am BROKE. I have $30 to my name. I wish she could learn some responsibility... I am here for myself and myself only. I am not here for her. I'm not going to buy everything for her and do everything for her. I'm dying on the inside I'm so fucking stressed, and she really isn't helping. I need this money for my OWN art supplies. I don't even buy food for my own self because, unlike her, I have priorities and know how to be responsible with my money. I just can't wait until she learns her lesson for being so irresponsible about everything.

I just... there's so much I could say. I could keep going on about that, but I won't...

To top it all off, my phone just fucked up. I've had this phone for 11 days. I have not dropped it once or gotten a single drop of water on it. It malfunctioned exactly the same way the last one did. It has a one-year warranty and a 30-day guarantee. Which means if it fucks up like it did, I should get refunded. I called the number on their website, and it sent me to tech support. FUCKING OUTSOURCING! The Indian guy (who thankfully spoke decent English) was like, "I'm sorry that happened. I would be very sad if that happened to me." When I told him my problem. Then he asked me if I tried taking the battery out. OF FUCKING COURSE I TRIED THAT I TOLD YOU THAT UP FRONT. Then he sent me to another lady who asked me the exact same thing, but she couldn't hear me and repeatedly said, "Ma'am? Can you hear me? Ma'am?" So I hung up. There was nothing else I could do. I sent them an email, so hopefully they respond, but I seriously doubt they will. I JUST WANT MY FUCKING REFUND. I don't want another one of their shit phone. I just want my money back...

Everything sucks. Nothing can make me happy right now.

This post has nothing to do with April Fool's Day

Wednesday I saw Eisley in concert. It was great. It was so irresponsible though because I spent just about the last of my money there. Of course I had to buy Nikki's ticket. I realize she doesn't pay for anything... I'm done buying her stuff now. If she's going to be irresponsible with her own money, she can suffer the consequences. She's got to learn somehow. That means I spent $35 tickets (every concert I've been to in the last year, I've bought both tickets...). I also spent $20 on a t-shirt. I like to buy merch at shows. Dillon went with us too. I just hate that they made me miss the first show. And the first part of Eisley's show! I paid a lot of money for those tickets, so I wish I could have gotten my complete money's-worth! Eh... There is SO much more I could say about that... We stayed an hour or so after the show to meet Eisley when they came out. They were super nice and sweet and awesome.

Earlier that day Nikki and I went to the zoo with JT. It was pretty fun. I'm really gonna miss JT after I transfer schools. ):

Thursday there was a lecture we had to go to. Nikki almost didn't go and said she was just going to copy my notes. I'm about fed up with her being so lazy about school and trying to get by with copying my work. I'm not going to this school for the both of us. I'm going to school for ME. So, I got on to her. I spoke my mind-but being me, I did it nicely-by telling her she can't get through life copying me all the time. Then I started to leave without her because I didn't want to be late (she was taking her time like she always does), but she came along eventually.

Before that, she had class and left me and Dillon sitting on a bench outside. He was going to take me back to the dorm and then go off on his own somewhere, but we ended up talking for the better part of two hours. It was really nice actually.

Friday, I went to Drawing class, but didn't have my homework for the first time ever. Then the second half of class got canceled because my professor got into a wreck over lunch. She's okay, but her car got totaled. I mean, it sucks for her, but we were all FUCK YEAH NO CLASS TODAY! Then I came home for the weekend. Like, home home, not dorm home.

I was going to hang out with Fonz, but we had to reschedule. ): I like seeing him every time I come home. He's one of my favorite people.

I saw my dad yesterday. Taz is getting old and it makes me sad. He can't move as well as he used to, and he coughs a lot now. ): I was hoping for 9 more years with him! I'm going to be a much different person when he goes... but I don't want to think about that. I could say some really emo shit right now, but I don't want to sound crazy.

Today was my mom's birthday. I felt so bad because I didn't get her anything. Not even a card. I had actually forgotten all about it until Friday night when I got home. But then I had a brilliant idea and got her Caleb (via Skype) for her birthday. (:

So, I finally know what it feels like to be completely broke. I mean, I never had money before college, but I didn't NEED money before college either. Now I have to buy food and art supplies every god.damn.week. Why can't they provide us with art supplies? >.< Where does that $80k GOOOO?!

Well, I'm going back to school tomorrow... Gonna be miserable again. Especially with the mountain of homework waiting for me.