I don't want there to be nothing

Questions and Answers

Well, I came here to spend time with my cousin, but he'd rather spend time with his girlfriend, and I know I totally ruined his bro time with Pamp cuz they hang out every single day (but not since I'm here... ruining everything). Perhaps I shouldn't have come here at all. Nana is enjoying my company though.

But since Nick isn't hear and Nana is watching tv, I'm at a loss of things to do. So, Ima do some surveys to pass the time...

Cherry Red

I guess the first thing I'm going to address is my "boy problems" cuz I'm in middle school. Nate is back at school, which means he's back to ignoring me. I guess I should have expected it, but I kind of thought this time would be different? Last night when I went to sleep, I texted him telling him good night, but I intentionally made it sound disconnected and uninterested because that's exactly how I felt. So, this morning I woke up with 5 messages from him saying good night, good morning, and what he's been doing today. Haha, that doesn't really make up for anything... at all.
- - -

Is that your "can-you-see-I'm-over-you" smile?
Well, baby, I will bury you if this is gonna be awhile

And Pamp is acting like he's still in high school. Oh, wait! Because he is. I should have known better a year ago. His Facebook status says, "fuck today it was shit pretty good morning during third went to shit got worse and worse and leveled out at the end here im not mad anymore and she thinks we can be friends im not even replying to that that last parts a whole separte matter that doesnt effect my mood" from last night. All I said to him was, "Hey, Pamp" when he walked in the room, and he blatantly ignored me. Lol. So, I took the hint. At least now he's one less thing to worry about.

I'm tired of feeling stupid. I liked myself better when I was just me. I don't like getting attached to people. I especially hate people getting attached to me.

Last night, when Nick (my cousin, who I am here to hang out with) got home from school, he had his entourage with him (his girlfriend, her friend, and Pamp). They all went to PetCo to pet kittens... Nick invited me, but with the elephant that would have been in the room, I didn't want to intrude. Besides, it's cold as fuck outside, and I didn't want to go back out there. When he got home (alone), he didn't seem to be in the best of moods, so he went up to his room. I didn't see him for the rest of the night...

My day has hardly started today, so I'm going to save this as a draft and finish it tonight.

Tonight: Nick wasn't allowed to have his entourage today because we went to eat at Mikado (a Japanese steak house). It was delicious and we had the same chef as last time we went months ago, so it was a good show too. Um... I got my hair cut today. I guess that's not too exciting. It's slightly different but more of what I've always strived for. So, I'm happy with it. Nick went to bed a little after 8, so I don't know what to do with the rest of my night. Nate told me this semester of college is boring already. I know it's because that girl he's infatuated with isn't there this semester. Meh.

I'm tired of caring about things, so I'm just gonna go back to not caring. I'm always calm and "naive" on the outside. Like I've said, I only ever talk about this stuff here. Nobody else knows. As it should be.

But anyway, I guess I have nothing else to say. I think I'll do some writing and waste away on Tumblr for the rest of the night.

It's been a long December...

I'm trying to keep up with this thing, but it's becoming a chore again. It's not that I have nothing to say, it's just that I never feel like it. I really need to get out the "I don't feel like it" mindset. Fucking procrastination.

So, last night I saw Nate for the last time until, I dunno, spring break. Oh, wait, I haven't talked about Chicago yet, have I? I'll start with that...

Thursday, we drove to Chicago to see Caleb's graduation. He is officially a United States Sailor. Or whatever his title is... It was a 12 hour drive both ways. Sooo much car time. So, he graduated Friday and we had him from 11:30am-3pm. Then he had to go back to the base for watch duty. They just HAD to put him on watch the day he graduated. So, that pretty much fucked up all of our plans to hang out with him. We were going to go to Downtown Chicago, but we didn't have the time. After Caleb's watch ended, we picked him back up at 5:30, but he had to be back in an hour, so we literally just drove in the car the entire time. We were trying to go to Best Buy, but it was so far away, we didn't have the time to even get there... I know to him the trip was slightly disappointing, and I have to agree. But at least he got to see us and we go to see him. He wanted so badly for us to stay another night because the next day he was going to the airport at 4 in the morning and was going to be there all day until 5pm. He offered to pay for a hotel room for us to stay another night (so we could hang out with him at the airport), and I was all for it, but mom said we couldn't for some reason. I don't know why we couldn't. Nobody had to work the next day or anything. So, anyway, now Caleb is in Charleston, South Carolina, settled in at A school.

Last night, I went to Nate's aunt and uncle's house. I met his older brother's new girlfriend, Kelly. She was pretty cool. I liked her. His older brother who was in town from Connecticut cooked dinner, which was some kind of pork, risotto, succotash, and salad with a vinaigrette dressing he made himself. Have I ever said that he's an amazing cook? I wasn't so much a fan of risotto... And now, I'm not sure I could ever eat any of that food again, although it was good, without getting sick because...

I got a migraine while I was there. A migraine is never "just a headache." Migraine is the only time in my life when I feel death is the only solution. I can't escape the pain and sickness fast enough... So, I had the headache for awhile, but the nausea didn't start until we all sat down to watch the movie Flyboys (excellent movie by the way), then I suffered for the next 3 hours. I didn't want to ask Nate to take me home because a)I wanted him to have the best time possible and to see the movie and hang out with his family and aunt and uncle for as long as possible, and b)I really wanted to finish the movie. If it's got James Franco in it, I'm in! Ha. So, after the movie, I said bye to the family, and Nate drove me home. I feel so bad because it was our last night together, and I was doubled-over in the passenger seat trying my best not to cry. (I cannot stress enough just how bad my migraines are). When we stopped for gas, I could hear him on the phone with his mom (who is a nurse) outside the car asking her about it. How cute. And when I was saying goodbye, I couldn't get many words out because the more I talked, the more acid came up my throat, and I was just overwhelmed with nausea. So, instead of coming in for awhile like usual, he just dropped me off and drove back home. I texted him and told him about how there was a lot more I wanted to say, and it sucks that the damned sickness ruined the rest of our plans. He was completely understanding though. That's all I ever ask for in relationships: understanding.

Yeah, and so with all that said, here I'm about to make a big deal out of something that probably isn't a big deal. You know why? Because I am both fortunate and unfortunate enough to be a girl.

Now, let me go off on a tangent first: The character flaw I hate the most in almost everyone is when people make big deals out of things that aren't big deals. Very few things are actually worth the effort of being a "big deal." This to me is a bit of a big deal because it kinda hits me personally. But, I'm going to be the non-confrontational, over-analyzing, jump-to-conclusions girl that I am. So, this is the only place and time that I will mention this. I will keep it in my head and on this blog as I always tend to do. I mostly hate it because it's Facebook-related. And I HATE anything that stems from Facebook and not in-person interactions.

Now, with that big introduction, here's the stupid reason that I am slightly upset: On Facebook, Nate has removed me from his relationship. So, instead of saying "In a relationship with Hayley Warf," it just says "In a relationship." If I were a stupid, immature, drama-queen, I'd probably say something to him about it or ask about it, but I'm not going to do that. Yep, because that's the very passive way that I roll... Maybe if I get around to it, I'll remove him from my relationship status as well. Ha! See how he likes them apples! Heh, but I did try that and when I erased his name, it tried to erase the entire status. So, I don't know what the deal is with that...

It just kinda makes me wonder why he doesn't want people to know. I'm very aware that he talks to a lot of girls at his school. And I know for a fact that he's infatuated with one of them. I'm a little more observant than I appear to be, and I have a hell of a way of finding things out. That doesn't really bother me. I've always been pretty confident in my relationship. But of course, with the long-distance will bring back all the doubts and stress from before. Makes me question whether I should have ended it, though the opportunity never came up there towards the end...

Being in a relationship sometimes tends to make feel useless and worthless at times. I guess I actually always preferred being single because it's what I'm used to.

Blah, and this is me being moody.

I started writing this post at 5pm, but saved it and came back to it at 10. So, you know, this didn't all happen at the drop of a hat. Ha. Still though...

Anyway, to change the subject, I'm going to Nana's house tomorrow for the rest of the week. That should be a good vacation from vacation. Ha. Or it may stress me out further. Who knows.

Just Try

I spent this year as a ghost and I'm not sure what I'm looking for
I'm a voice on a phone that you rarely answer anymore
I came in here alone
Came in here alone
But that doesn't scare me like it did seven months ago
I spent this year as a ghost and I'm not sure where home is anymore

I got the only thing I wanted for Christmas: contacts. Now I don't have to hide my face behind giant inconvenient glasses anymore. There was a time I liked to be hidden behind them, but now I just can't stand them. Contacts are kind of hard to get used to. I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore! D: Ha, but that's a good thing.

So, I spent New Year's eve with Nate. He stayed the night. Then I spent New Years day with him. I had my very first New Years kiss ever. I mean, it wasn't anything special to be quite honest. It was a normal thing.

The other night, after I came home from his house, he stayed at my house for 5 hours. We talked. Literally for 5 whole hours. It was very refreshing. We talking about everything under the sun: politics, beliefs, government, the world and space in general, psychology, philosophy. Just stating our opinions. We differ so drastically in our beliefs. He's a Christian and I'm an "atheist" (I hate the term, but it's really the simplest one to use). We talked about that a lot. He kept holding back as to not offend me even though I told him that no matter what he says I will not get offended. Very little things offend me. I really don't know what we even have in common... We both like to watch movies. That's about it haha. I'm glad he likes to watch movies as much as I do, though, because I have no idea what we would do otherwise. Anyway, I'm digressing...

And last night, Nate and I saw the lights at the Opryland Hotel. I guess this requires a bit of explaining for anyone who doesn't live in TN. The Opryland Hotel is this giant, grand hotel right next to the famous Grand Ole Opry. Every holiday season, they set up an enormous display of Christmas lights. It's lovely really. It's really something to see in person. The inside of the hotel itself, lights or not, is quite a spectacle. I got to see Nikki while I was there too. She met up with us there.

So, if you haven't noticed (you have), I've been spending a lot of time with Nate. I've decided I'm not going to end it with him, unless by some chance, he brings it up. And I know he's not going to do that. I'm not so unhappy anymore. I don't know what I was going through, but I'm not so completely distant anymore. And I realized I do still like him, so things are staying the way they are for the time being.

The prospect of being single again does sound thrilling, but I really don't need that kind of distraction in my life right now.

And earlier he sent me this 4-page text: I'm playing zelda at the moment and getting very frustrated I'm about to just watch tv lol. Ok hayley baby uno what...... I really wana just say no one has ever made me happier than you have. And truthfully our relationship is the most different I've ever had, that's a good thing by the way. By now we would have had sex a shit ton and the relationship would be based on that. But it's not and that's one of the things that makes it special. The main thing that does is you. :) But yea I hope you feel the same in since instances uno and yea I just wanted to tell you that.

The ending there didn't make sense, and I couldn't figure out what he actually meant to say there, but whatever. I just could never break his heart. And I don't want to anymore. (I never wanted to, but I thought it was inevitable).

I'm one of those "nice girls" your mother will love. And I'm totally awesome. B) It's nice to have someone who recognizes that. Haha. And you know I'm not actually conceited. But I do think I'm awesome. But of course I'd think that, I like all the same things as me!

It's going to be hard again in about a week when I spend the week at Nana's house. I know I'm going to see Pamp. Possibly every day. (Unless he wants nothing to do with me, which is possible). Cue the song "All Over You" by The Spill Canvas.

As for resolutions, I have none. I never do. I don't like to set myself up for failure more than I already do.



What Happened In the Past Year???
How many relationships were you in?
Two.

What did you do for Valentine's day?
Nothing at all.

Did you receive your driver's license?
No...

Did you graduate high school?
Yes! It was a great night.

Did you graduate college?
I started.

Did you move out on your own?
Yes. Kinda.

Did you get arrested?
Never.

Did you get a speeding ticket?
Nope.

What was the best thing you got for Christmas?
Contacts!

Did you fall in love?
"I swear I don't believe in love. This is as close as I can come."
I don't know what love is.

Did you become an aunt or an uncle?
Been one.

Did you have a baby?
Hell no.

Did you get engaged?
Definitely no.

Did you get married?
Absolutely not.

Did someone close to you die?
No!

How many funerals did you go to?
Zero!

How many weddings?
Zero.

Did you turn 18?
Indeed, I did.

Did you turn 21?
Did you turn 30?
Did you have a car accident?
No!

Were you old enough to vote this year?
Yes! But there was nothing to vote for. I'm putting in my ballot for President this year though.

How many jobs did you have throughout the year?
None.

Did you get a new pet?
Well... I got puppies... then they got stolen.

Did you get cheated on?
Not that I'm aware of.

Did you cheat on someone?
Never.

Did you start at a new school?
Yes. Most miserable time of my life.

Did you make any new friends?
I deed.

Did you get a new car?
Nah.

Did you drastically change your hairstyle?
Um, yeah kinda I guess. I cut it shorter than ever before. Not sure if I want to do that again this year or not.

Did you go out of the country?
Nah.

Did you keep your last New Year's resolution?
Yes, considering I didn't have one.

What was the best movie you saw in theaters?
I didn't go to the theater a lot. Hmmm, definitely Super 8!

What was the best book you read?
I don't remember any books I read last year. I was definitely slacking.... Something I hope to change this year.

What was your greatest accomplishment?
Surviving my first semester of college, passing with A's and B's (the two B's alone are great feats because those two classes were way too much to handle).

What was the best cd released this year?
Oh, man. "I'll Always Be Around" by Brighten. Hands down.

Did you get a new tattoo?
No. Almost! I need to think about it more, but this year I will probably get one. Or two.

A new piercing?
Nah.

Are you still dating the same person you dated at the start of the year?
No.

The Lasts of the Past
How old were you on your last birthday?
Eighteen.

Who was your last kiss?
Nathan.

Who was the last person to tell you "I love you"?
Uh... Mom or dad.

Who was the last person you spoke to in person?
Today... Mom.

Who was your last missed call?
Nikki.

Who was your last phone call to?
Nana.

What was the last movie you watched?
Hesher \m/

The last song you heard?
I suppose the one I'm listening to now? "Apprehension" by Manchester Orchestra.

The last book you read?
I don't knowww... I'm seriously disappointed in myself.

The last place you went?
Opryland hotel.

The last time you cut your hair?
Back in October or something.

The color of the last shirt your wore?
I'm wearing a black one now...

The last person you hugged?
Nathan.

The last thing you bought?
With my own money? Clothes.

The last time you went to the doctor?
I dunno. I think early last year.

The last time you went swimming?
Summer, of course.

The last game you played?
Some block game on my phone.

The last person's house you went to?
Nathan's...

The last un-related guy you hung out with?
Nate. And Fonz. They're the only people I hang out with anyway.

The last un-related girl you hung out with?
Nikki.

The last family member you hung out with?
Ryan and Johnny.

The last movie you saw in theaters?
That new Sherlock Holmes movie. Mmmm Jude Law...

The last time you went to Walmart?
About 5 days ago.

The last time you went to Burger King?
Last time I hung out with Fonz. A little over a week ago.

The last time you went on vacation?
I'm on vacation! At home...

The last restaurant you went to?
Waffle House.

The last thing you ate?
Pizza.

The last thing you drank?
Cheerwine. (I never drink soda, but I figure I'm on vacation and Cheerwine and Sprite are the only soft drinks worth drinking, so why not).

The Firsts of the New Year
Who was the first person you kissed?
Nathan.

Who was the first person you told "I love you" to?
Daddy.

Who was the first person you spoke to?
Nate.

Who was your first phone call to/from?
ughhsjdjlfasjfa who cares

Where was the first place you went?
Nate's house as I have already established.

What was the first thing you bought?
I haven't bought anything yet. No mas dinero.

Who was the first person to wish you "Happy New Year!"?
I dunno, I guess Nate maybe.

What was the first thing you ate?
Cinnamon rolls that I made with my very own hands.

The first thing you drank?
Honestly I think it was Four Loko.

What color was the first shirt you wore?
These questions are pissing me.

What were the first shoes you wore?
Who gives a fuck? holy shit

What was the first electronic (not computer or cell) device you used?
asldfjasldkjfasd

What was the first movie you watched?
The Other Guys.

What was the first song you heard?
Who was the first girl you hung out with?
Who was the first guy?
The first relative?
What was the first thing you did when it became the new year?
What the Future Year Has In Store
What are you most looking forward to in the New Year?
Are you getting married this year?

Are you expecting a child?
Fuck no.

Will you be getting a new job?
Possible.

Will you be starting a new school?
I'm definitely going to try to.

Will you be moving to a new place?
If the new school thing works out, then yes.

Will you get your driver's license this year?
God, I hope so.

Will you turn 18?
I wish! "We're gonna stay eighteen forever, so we can live like this forever..."

Will you turn 21?
Will you turn 25?
Will you turn 30?
Will you turn 40?

Are you going on a vacation this year?
Man, if my dreams came true, I'd go to Crystal River, Florida, and swim with some mofuckin manatees.

What movie are you most looking forward to coming out this year?
No idea... I'm sure there will be lots of good ones.

What book?
I haven't been keeping up with books lately.

What music album?
If Brand New releases a new album that's all my entire year will need.

Do you expect to find love this year?
I don't know how to answer this. No.

Did you make a New Year's resolution?
Nein.

Have you kept it so far?
Damn, it's only the 4th. If someone has already failed their resolution, they are full retard.

Will you be going to a wedding this year?
Hell if I know.

Will you get a new car?
Wouldn't that be great.

Will you buy a house this year?
No.

Do you expect to be with the same person at the end of the year?
I have no idea.

Are you starting the year off single?
Obviously not.

What do you most want to happen this year?
I want to make it through this semester with as little stress and highest grades possible. And I want to transfer to a different school and I want that school to be significantly better. I just want to be happy.

What are you most excited about this year?
Not much... yet...


So, these aren't resolutions, but this year I hope to be more artistic and poetic and to read more books and to most of all procrastinate much less and to just try.