I know you mean well

I can't sleep. I really need to figure things out.

My morning started out okay. Nikki and I went to the zoo. People were texting me, Pamp was being extra precious (it's too bad...), the zoo was fun, the aardvark was especially active today and adorable. Then by 4, I was ignored for the rest of the day... I'm glad I have Nikki though. Her and I cleaned the shit out of this apartment, then we hung out in my room while Liz had a dinner party. We laughed and talked about politics, and then she went to Dillon's. I've been lying in bed for the last few hours, but I can't sleep. I've been thinking about how I'm going to go about things when I get home... and when. I'm sick of being unhappy, and I don't think I should have to continue this way. So, I decided I'm probably not going to. I just need to figure it all out...

Razorblades

Some days, they taste like lemonade. Some days, they feel like razorblades.

Oh, NOW you care. Now you send me 4 text messages and a message on Facebook and message to Nikki asking if I'm okay. Is that what it takes? You thinking I'm depressed?

I'm not depressed, but I'm not happy. Obviously. I'm just giving you a taste of your own medicine. You're too delusional to really get it though. So I ignored you all day.

That's today.

Yesterday was my last day of classes. I am officially done with the semester. I thought this day would never come holy shit. And you know... I don't want to do it again. I really don't want to come back next semester, but I have to.

I'm just going to enjoy my month at home the best I can. Make the best of it. I know a lot will happen.

I sit in the darkest corner
Of this once bright room
What used to my haven
Has now become my tomb
I find safety in the shadows
When I find no safety in you
I've become overwhelmed with
Not knowing what to do
I could leave, but I don't
So I guess I can't complain
What used to be my halo
Has now become my chains
I could never hurt a fly
And you're much bigger than that
But for the longest time now
I could smell a rat
There's a savior on the horizon
Waiting for me to decide
But for now I am stuck
In these shadows where I hide

I do still write. I don't think it's any good, but it's how I feel.

Bullshit

I'm so glad I have this place to vent.

"Baby where have you been all day. I called you and txted you and you never replied out went to voice mail. Baby i miss you and I'm sad I haven't talk to you all day"

You know how I know that every bit of that is a lie?

1. I get great service here. I would have gotten any texts or calls.

2. I've had my phone on me all day because I've been using it to text* someone else all day. I would have absolutely noticed a text or call.

3. Your phone gets good service anywhere because it's a nice phone, and you would have noticed if your messages weren't going through (you've used that as an excuse before).

4. My phone isn't the only way to contact me. If you were really trying to get ahold of me, you could have also tried Facebook. I am always on Facebook. Calling/texting is not exhausting your efforts or trying everything like you make it seem like you've done.

5. You said "i miss you"

6. I responded to you almost instantly, and now after an hour, you still haven't said anything back. You're obviously not as concerned as you tried to make yourself out to be.

So, I call bullshit.

- - - -
*Which brings me to my asterisk. Have you ever heard that saying "Never give another man the chance to make your girl feel special" or any variation of it?

I feel guilty even though it's harmless. You can't expect there to be no consequences for ignoring me when you're the one person who I [used to] expect not to.

It's too late

Every time Nate ignores me, he always texts me with this formula:
apology + excuse + "I miss you" + some other bullshit here.

Every. Single. Time. It never fails.

It has gotten to the point where it pisses me off. Not the ignoring, but the stupid excuses. I don't care why. I already expect to be ignored, and I'm sick of the "sorrys."

The ignoring used to make me feel sad. Now I just roll my eyes. I think I just roll my eyes at this entire relationship. You're wondering why I don't break up with him. I have reasons. I'm not going to get into it right now, but if something doesn't click within the next month, I'll probably just have to put my foot down.

This is one of those internal struggles I was talking about...

So, anyway. I'm not responding to him for the night. We always exchange "good night" texts, and in the morning, we exchange Good Mornings. Not tonight.

In other news, I don't feel like a complete lazy ass today. Although I did sit in front my laptop all day long, I was using it for music, and my hands were busy working on my sketchbook. I worked on that piece of shit for at least six hours. It still needs a lot of work, which I plan to get done tomorrow. I just hope it all pays off. I mean, I don't even want to be here. Bad grades would only make my life more miserable. I don't make bad grades, never have. I sure as hell don't plan to start now.

So, procrastination, your move.



This song was fantastic live.

It's also fantastically relevant to my life right now and this post in particular. I do feel like I'm being a little harsh. But I am a little upset. And this is what venting is for. Enjoy that.

Unexpected

Well, shit. This kind of just came out of nowhere: "Mmm i know plenty of girls but they dont have what you have i joke with nick, nana, and nick's mom that id marry you when i got older lol its funny cuz i have commitment issues that your too cool to cause"

He's referring to Nick as in my cousin, Nana as in my grandma, and Nick's mom as in my aunt.

Pamp just threw a huge curveball. Kind of blows my mind. I don't know how I feel about this. It's flattering and... impacting(? Is that a word?). I'm keeping in mind, way in the back of my mind, that he's a player though. I don't think a player would say this though. I don't know... Of course, after this, I had to remind him that I have a boyfriend. Then he got depressed and went to bed. :/

- - -
That was last night/early this morning. Today his Facebook status says, "Am i a player?" And to that I say: Ha. Ha. Ha.