Heavy Petting

I'm having a terrible night after a wonderful two-day vacation.

So much has happened, and I'm too tired to go into too much detail.

In the last 3 months I have broken up with Max 3 times. I don't know if I have mentioned that here or not. The most recent time was a week ago. I've just been so tired for so long and I want something different in my life.

So, of course, it felt like he didn't take the breakup seriously. The very next day after I did it, he was pretending like it never happened. But he was making more of an effort to spend time with me. It's just that, as always, it felt like too little too late. But, ya know, I took the breakup seriously, and we never verbally said that we were back together (though in his mind we never split up). In fact, I reminded him a couple times after the breakup that we were still, indeed, broken up.

So, I went on vacation with my roommates on Monday. We stayed in a treehouse cabin. It was so cool. It was Logan, Lee, Jack, and me. There was a hot tub there that we spent a lot of time in. We all did our fair share of drinking. I got the drunkest I have ever been. I would like to say first that, although I was drunk, I remember everything. Everything that was done and especially everything that was said.

That said, Jack and I got pretty close. We did share a bed both nights and both got pretty handsy. Lots of heavy petting was involved but no sex. Because I have restraint and "being drunk" is no excuse for anything. Jack wanted to, but I told him not with other people in the room. (There were four of us sleeping in one room). He completely complied instead of trying to convince me, which gets him major brownie points. So, I had a great time of course because we both said it's something we've both been wanting (I already knew this - body language doesn't lie - but I liked hearing him say it out loud).

I feel like now that we're sober that maybe he feels a bit awkward about it? I'm not sure. He won't sit next to me or talk to me about much. Maybe I'm expecting too much like I always do. I'm not expecting any of this to turn into some kind of relationship or anything. Honestly, the most I'd expect is a FWB situation, but I'm happy with things at least going back to the way they were before the trip. I liked the subtly flirting and closeness.

He and I actually talked about that in our drunken bed conversation. Neither of us are looking for a serious relationship. I told him I broke up with Max, but after today, I don't think he believes me. I told him, "Just so you don't think I'm some kind of harlot, you know I broke up with Max, right?" He probably thinks now that I was lying then. (Also, I remember lots of what was said those nights word-for-word).

Anyway, Max was texting me today, and somehow the conversation turned to the breakup. Today he finally took it seriously. He finally realized there is a real possibility that it is legitimately over. He called me and cried on the phone for two hours trying to get me to agree to work it out. I stood my ground and never gave in. I told him that right now I just want to be completely alone. I just want to be single... Here's the thing: He has had this entire relationship to be selfish and get certain behaviors "out of his system." Now, it's my turn. I just want to be selfish and get certain things out of my system too...

My problem, I often re-realize, is that I realize I can have what I want. And I want it all, so I don't want to choose. This always gets me a little depressed because confliction is a huge source for my depression.

I feel so guilty. Honestly, it's not for what I did with Jack (Max doesn't know about that and it made me really happy at the time - so, no regrets... yet). I feel guilty because I don't want to break Max's heart. I fucking hate breaking people's hearts. So after all that I've emotionally suffered throughout this relationship, as always, I am going to leave it feeling like I am the biggest piece of shit.

I don't want to be the bad guy. I just want to be happy.