This should really just be the title of my entire blog.
The fan club has been booming lately... I don't know what happened. It's like a mental signal went out and told them all that I'm mentally single. I'm not really single, and I haven't announce or told anyone that I am. Yet... People are treating me like I am.
It's like everyone else can feel it ending, too.
I guess I like the attention. I hate that I do this. If my own boyfriend doesn't give me attention, I find it somewhere else. I'm not the type of person who likes attention. But I am the type of person who likes revenge.
I am constantly torn between being the better person and getting revenge. Revenge just feels so much more rewarding. For me anyway.
There's a person who I'm pretty sure I haven't mentioned here. I'm going to nickname him Jack as everyone on this blog has a codename. I don't really like the name Jack, but, eh, it's how I'm going to distinguish him. There is a rhyme and reason to a lot of the nicknames I assign here. But, I digress.
Jack has been around for awhile. Since I've lived in this house anyway. He used to come over only sometimes. Now he comes over all the time. I know he likes me. It's obvious, and everyone else can tell even though no one has addressed it outright. Except Max. Max can't stand the guy. You know, for good reason.
But lately, Max hasn't been around. Jack has taken advantage of Max's absence. Not in a big way, but he is being more forward, for lack of a better word. I don't know how to explain. It's just obvious. And, you know, I can say this here because it's pretty private and the point of this blog is for me to be personal and spill my thoughts: Jack is a very good-looking guy. And he's very wholesome. I like that about him. He's not a junkie/stoner/alcoholic... any of my past relationships. He's independent and stable, and that's not the kind of person I've ever been involved with before.
I'm not saying I'm thinking about leaving Max for him or anything. If/When Max and I aren't together anymore, the way I see it going, I will want to remain single for a very long time. I'm not ready for another relationship by no means. But Jack has made it a point to pursue me for some time now. Ever since he knew his girlfriend at the time was moving away. The funny thing is, Jack isn't necessarily my type as far as looks go. That's not say he isn't attractive. I've already stated that he very much is. It's just that he's not somebody who I was stricken by when I first laid eyes on him. But over time, I've changed my mind. My "type" hasn't turned out well for me anyway.
Changing the subject... I have also been talking to P a lot. He will always be prevalent in my life. I've talked enough about him lately. He always has the right things to say, and I've always despised him for that. Our conversation turn sexual sometimes, but he assured me the other night, when I told him I don't think I'm ready to hang out with him, that he wouldn't be "expecting to get laid." Which is comforting I guess, but I know how he is, and I know he would indeed be expecting that and would also try initiating it and egging it on. As I'm not technically single, it would still feel wrong to even hang out with an ex in a platonic way. So, I've told him we can't hang out, but I have a way of leaving a little string of hope in there. I shouldn't do that, but I feel like it's the nice thing to do when I know it's so much worse.
Mecha and I flirt a lot. It's pretty harmless flirting, and we've always been that way. But while I'm talking about the fan club, I should bring him up. He's one of those who I find adorable, but I have no desire to date. I don't know why. He is a good friend though.
Michael likes to bring up "if you were dating me" scenarios when I complain to him about Max. I know I shouldn't tell my male friends about my relationship problems, but I really have no girl friends who I can talk to about these things, and Michael and I are really close. He's intelligent and clever and I trust his opinion. I can always rely on him for insightful advice. I know it probably brings him down though. I should stop getting his hopes up with prospects of me possibly being single again soon.
Anyway, I think I just like the attention they give me. It feels good to be wanted. And when your desired source is disappointing, the other sources are more appealing.
No comments:
Post a Comment