Affect / Effect

I talked to David today. He is moving out of state and gave me some belongings of mine that I had accidentally left behind.

He told me how I inadvertently and indirectly helped him come to some realizations and, to some degree, saved his life.

Some words that I had said to him (something along the lines of "you're over competitive") repeated in his head and made him come to terms with who he is. Allowing him to shed his passive shell and just start speaking his mind. I think he implied that the complacency he was living in had the potential to drive him over the edge... Maybe? Thus, saving him from reaching that point.

He also wanted to share with me the things that he feels are my flaws. And I agree with his points. Those being:

1). I'm too agreeable and need to speak up for my self

2). He thinks I subconsciously want to be a mother due to my nurturing nature despite the disdain I have expressed toward children. He gestured at my house full of animals as his exhibit A. He afraid I'm going to realize it too late and have regrets. I get we'll just have to see about that one.

3). I come off as a man-hater. And he's not wrong. We both know I don't hate the men in my life. But I explained to him that I dislike the idea of men. The stereotypical man. And he gets where I'm coming from but feels no one should blatantly perceive the other side as outright bad but should instead point out where they can improve. I think... That's not how he worded it but I believe that's sort of the point he was making.

I hate the overall theme of the experiences I've had with men though.

So, there's that. I'm glad he got to get all that off his chest. It was nice to talk about things and perhaps get some closure we both needed? I'm not sure I really talked about closure, but it was nice to know we can still get along.

After 2 full days, I asked his roommate if Lane was OK. He says he has been playing a computer game this entire time.

I gotta say, I was furious.

It's been like 5 hours and I'm still pretty fucking angry.

He himself finally texted me a couple hours ago "hey babe how are you?" like it was nothing.

I wanted to be petty.

He is Bipolar (takes medications for it daily) and, of course, can have episodes. So just in case this was a bipolar-induced depressive episode, I bit my textual tongue and texted back a normal response. I've been having a "normal" conversation with him despite just being in a shit-ass mood the entire time.

He'll hear about this. Just not right now.

He told me he was stressing about school and potentially not graduating and it seems a lot of pressure is getting to him.

So I tried to be the best girlfriend I could be and give him words of encouragement.

It's hard to be nice when you don't want to. It really is.

So, he seems all fine now, and I'm going to bed angry, yet again.

It's not entirely his fault. I don't come down quickly or easily from these kinds of moods. I'm gonna stew in it for an unhealthy amount of time.

I just don't know how to snap out of it or what to do with myself so I've been lying in bed awake for the last 5 hours.

I haven't heard a single thing from Lane all day. The last text I got from him was yesterday at 6pm... And that was the last of very very few. This is the first time he has ever done this, and I can't stand not knowing what's going on. I feel like the only "good" excuse for this is very bad news, and I don't know if I should be worried.

Fundamental Differences

Who are you talking to at 4 o clock in the morning?

Gives me anxiety.

"Things are going to be different now," he says.

I know him, and I know this is just a phase. But this is the first time I've seriously questioned the longevity of this relationship. 

He says he won't be here as much as he "wants" to be. My mind immediately jumps to how I've always dealt with an absent partner... Going out more and making a point to spend as little time at home as possible. I don't want to go that route again, but I don't like the way he implies things are going.

His current phase - obsession, rather - is the bible. I worked 10 hours yesterday and didn't hear from him once all day because he was supposedly reading the Bible and talking to his dad on the phone to discuss it. All day. Claimed he talked in tongues. He actually believes in that shit...

I was worried all day thinking something could be wrong. It drained me. And when I got home and found that, I was just not in the best mood.

He says he'll have to go off on his own to read and pray.

I know it's a phase.

But he doesn't understand the parallels. When he left the room at 4am this morning and started talking on the phone, my whole body tensed with anxiety. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't sleep. Jonah used to wait for me to fall asleep so he could leave the room and talk to The Other Girl. Jonah used to leave off on his own for "church." It all gave me anxiety then too. And I know Lane and Jonah aren't the same. But they make me feel the same sometimes.

After I was able to go back to sleep for a second, I did have this dream: I was on the front porch of my house on a city neighborhood street. Sam walked by on the sidewalk wearing a business suit. He lived a couple doors down. Some friends from across the street were there. They were faces I used to know in Memphis. Sam had a green "$220" floating near his head. One of the guys on the street said hi to him. Once Sam had gone, I told the guy on the street that I know how much money Sam had due to an app I had installed a long time ago. We got to talking. The guy, Rashad, approached me with a proposition. He said my house needed a king. He was implying being roommates with me and being the male presence in the home. His friend, Dimitri, interrupted, "the house is perfect with small hands." Implying I did not need a man around. And that's where I woke up.

I don't know if that's relevant or not but it's worth writing down when I remember a dream....

Anyway, we all know I'm not religious. If Lane keeps this up, it will be a massive turn off. Or he'll lose interest in me because I'm not in the same mindset. Fundamental differences and all...

Unbelievable

I still rack my brain. I never felt I needed or deserved a love without problems. I really never knew it was possible, but here we are... So far. Sure, I've stated little annoyances, but they are so incredibly minor by comparison.

I believe he actually loves me. He tells me all the time, sure. But more importantly he shows me. He does so much for me without question or complaint. I wake up with his arms around me.

And I really love him too. A love I didn't know it was possible to feel towards another adult human. I get sad when I'm alone. I want him involved in everything I do. I am still just as into him as I was excited in the beginning. I stare a lot when he's not looking. I admire him. I adore him. I'm proud of him and to have him and to show him off.

I still struggle and feel like I probably always will. I struggle to believe it. I do believe it, but my subconscious can't be complacent, I suppose. Sometimes when he tells me how much he loves me (and I think it only happens when he tells me, not shows me), I feel a tinge of fear in the deepest pit of my stomach. It's like that lump-in-your-throat feeling just down in my stomach. I know it's fear. I'm scared to trust. I'm scared to be vulnerable. And, like everyone else in the world, I'm scared of getting hurt. I'm scared to open up and invest *this* much. I'm scared to believe it because I don't want to feel stupid if it were to ever be untrue. But I'm trying to overcome all of that. I'm just not sure I ever will.

I also just don't have the self-esteem to see what he sees.

He talks a lot about marriage. I'm glad that's as far as it goes for him. I'm glad his idea of trapping me isn't a baby like I've experienced before... I've even considered the idea of marriage with him, though, I'm way more for the idea of elopement. He's the only one I've ever thought about it with. There's still a long way to go before any of that idea grows. But I feel like even if it reaches that point, and even if we stay together for years, the fear that it was all fake and never real will forever loom in the background of my subconscious.

One day maybe I'll seek help. I've considered it pretty heavily lately. But right now I'm going to continue just spilling it all here and here and hoping that helps enough for now.