Not Close

People that are *too* close to their family are so strange to me.

I love my parents and I see them and talk to them on occasion. But only on occasion. I'd like to think I am my own person without them.

I just get annoyed when people around me can't do the same? I never express this to them because it's my problem, I guess. But it reminds me of the scene in Wristcutters where Eugene is on the phone with his mom and Mikal is remarking on strange it is that he talks to her "every day?" And Zia says it's just "a Russian thing, I guess."

Well, that is Lane to a tee. I'm glad he has a good relationship with his parents but he talks to his mom and sisters on the phone every. single. day. And every conversation lasts at least an hour. How do they have so much to talk about every 24 hours?

He talks to his dad at least every week, which makes more sense. But sometimes he talks to his mom and/or sisters more than once in a single day. I really don't get it. It's often when he is with me abd I'm waiting around for an hour for his phone call to end.

It's not just him though. Other times I thought it was weird was when a guy I was interested in *always* had his parents over. They stayed with him like every weekend...

And a former roommate let his family dictate too much of his decisions in fear of how they would react to things.

I guess I ponder this type of family relationship because it is just so baffling to me.

I guess I'm just not that close with mine, and, honestly, I like it that way.

EDIT: He was on the phone with them when I posted this. 2 hours later (right now). He is on the phone with them AGAIN

I have rage issues that I hope no one ever finds out about. I wish I could figure out how to control it. I think it spikes when I'm stressed... But lately I feel like I've been having lot more episodes than usual.

I guess I have some things to be stressed about.

I feel bad because I take it out on the animals when they misbehave. I'm not beating them or anything but I do scare them... And I feel bad about it immediately.

And it stresses me out more.

I've been thinking more and more about therapy. But who can afford that, right?

Life is weird.

I want to talk about Lane because of course I do.

This boy is something else. He does so much for me. He warms up my car when it's cold outside when I didn't even ask him to. He fixes things around my house and assembles the furniture I buy. "Man shit" as he calls it.

I had been complaining about work lately and a specific back pain. He showed up to my house with chapstick (just because I like it) and massage oil. Gave me a massage. But this is how much thought, consideration, and planning he put into this: he didn't know how to give a massage so he looked it up beforehand. It was cute. He did well.

As long as he always continues to be considerate and put in effort like he does, I want him with me forever.

I hate being so engrossed in him that I don't know what to do with myself whenever I'm alone. I'm off work this weekend. We have plans to spend the weekend together. He was free all day. I've been home for 2 hours and have heard nothing from him.

I'm worried something happened because it's raining outside. Like, I hope he is okay? But I also feel like he's just caught up in some distraction because that is a very likely scenario.

I'm tired of waiting, so I'm going to bed.

There are typos in my last post because I was falling asleep while writing it. Oh well.

Just wanted to say that I am happy.

I don't think our own happiness gets acknowledged as often as it should.

I have my own house with a fenced-in backyard. All mine! I have my dog and two kitties (about to have Luca back and possibly a third cat...). So... House full of animals is the definition of happiness for me.

I've got a stable job that pays me decently that I genuinely enjoy. Though I dread waking up at 5:00am... And not being able to come home until nearly 7pm. And I haven't had a raise since summer 2017... But it could be worse.

I've got a boy who treats me right finally. He checks in every few weeks and asks if I'm happy and if everything is going okay with us. He seems to care. He really tries. He does a lot for me. Yesterday morning he started my car for me to warm it up without me asking (being the "strong independent" woman that I am, I would never ask). I love that. He's considerate and thoughtful. He honestly makes me a little insecure in the relationship because I wonder if I'm pulling my weight. I'm so used to the person I'm dating putting in so little effort and me retaliating by reciprocating... I'm trying to get used to actually trying again. You have no idea how into this boy I am. I want it to last forever. I have PLANS for it to last forever. I have never been with anyone else who I felt was so indisposable.

My finances stress me out right now. My car is starting to have undiagnosed issues that stress me out right now. But I'm staying positive.

And I know that may not be interesting. But I've got to credit the good times too.

I have so many thoughts that I want to write about, but I don't.

I'm still very much in love. So very much.

We had a hiccup the other day though. One little fuck up, but I think "fuck up" is too harsh; thus, "hiccup."

He does this thing where he'll call me, but he'll have another conversation with someone else off the phone. This really gets under my skin because I don't like my time being wasted.  I let him know I was mad actually when I was mad. That is improvement for me. But the second time I talked to him on the phone, he was drunk. He had been off all day, had his younger cousin over, and they decided to drink all day. This wouldn't have been any kind of issue if we hadn't made plans for me to drive down (we live a little over an hour away from each other). And it wouldn't have been as bas as it was if I wasn't still living in the past.

I was annoyed because I didn't want to drive all the way there to be met with drunkenness.

I was freaking out in the car on the way there because it brought back memories of when Jonah did that to me. And I wish I could just forget about all that not while body went into panic mode , I guess, and I had to sit in my car in his driveway for 10 minutes when I got there to re-establish my composure. And I was dreading what I could be about to walk into.

However, when I came in, I said hi to the cousin, and I went and lay in the bed. I was exhausted, emotionally and physically. Lane actually called it a night and joined me. Gave me his undivided attention, once I was actually there, I guess. Asked me why I was mad. Apologized for "fucking up." And pointed out how the situation was very different than the Jonah one (because he knows that story).

He tries. And I do appreciate it. It wasn't his fault I got so bent of shape. But I need to figure out how to erase that past.