For the Taking

For the first time in a long time I don't want to sleep
But in the back of my mind I fear defeat
I fear desolation, disillusion
But this things in motion and won't stop moving
Nothing before has felt right
But this feels good
I feel good

We'll get there

Newboi is gone. He was problematic.


Two of my closest friends just broke up with their friends within the same week of me breaking up with newboi. Something is in the air, I guess.

An old friend of mine whom I have missed dearly has come back into my life. With good timing... We're pretty close... But slowly.

And I hate to feel like these people are stepping stones, just one after the other, but it kinda just keeps happening this way. I'm not doing this on purpose.

Life is moving quickly right now.

_________

Some things break and can't be fixed.

Lately, I feel empty inside.

I need to see more doctors.

Lol @ my life

I called newboi out on his passive aggressiveness because we are adults. By we, I mean me. I am the adult here. We had a talk and he felt better.

That said, I am lying on his bed while he plays computer games for the night. I could be at home with my dog right now...

I also asked him to quit saying the n-word and he tried to say it was my "white guilt" and I said "it's a matter of respect."

That shit grinds my gears.

I'm gonna enjoy this while it last, but it ain't gonna last.

Tired everyday

Newboi seems to be playing with the idea that maybe I could be sleeping around on him.


This bothers me. A lot.

So first, I told him I didn't want to have sex until I hear back from the doctor and find out what's wrong with me. I told him sex is related to the issue. After that, something seemed to be bothering him, but I didn't press.

Later, we were making out and getting handsy, but I winded it down and stopped. He made a comment along the lines of, "stop seeing other guys and save some for the rest of us." He tried to save the "joke" by adding "'us' being me and Pete." (Pete referred to that meme about sleeping positions and 'things are getting weird with Pete').

He tried to make this implication come off as a joke, but we all know these things aren't jokes. He's being passive aggressive and this is clearly something he has been thinking about.

So, I was a bit taken aback by this out-of-the-blue comment, and my immediate reaction was to quickly de-escalate with a counter joke. I told him I was sleeping with Pete.

When I was leaving, he told me bye and quickly added "quit sleeping with Pete!"

I know I'm not over-analyzing here. This is how people drop hints about suspicions. I used to do it when I suspected I was being cheated on by Jonah (the only difference is that *I* was right). They are comments intended to make the other person uncomfortable and/or guilty and to subconsciously plant the seed that you *know.*

I am not sleeping around. I am not cheating. If he can't trust, we aren't going to last.