Pisces - The Tower

"There is beauty in chaos, Pisces. Can you find it? Let yourself be shaken up. Allow yourself to let go for a moment. Trust that the pieces will fall back together the way they are supposed to. The time for change is now. You need it-- whether you asked for it or not. You can no longer be stagnant."

I've never been so hurt in my entire life. I'm not sure how much longer I can do this.

To ease another's heartache is to forget one's own.

It's been two weeks since he has been gone. It feels like it has been a year.

I'm coping by realizing what kind of person he really is. He was manipulative and selfish. Everything he ever did only benefited him. He used people for his own gain. He used me.

He may have loved me. I'll never know.

All I know for sure is that he didn't care about me in the end. There was absolutely nothing I could do. I truly believe I didn't matter to him. I truly believe I don't matter him. He told me he still loved me. He told me he loved me more than anything. He told me I was stuck with him and that he would never leave me and that I would never be able to get rid of him.

"Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see."

He told me a lot of things; however, he showed me differently. He was nothing but a liar.

I feel dumb. I always feel dumb. I believed so much.

I've realized that he is a bad person. I don't want to go into details about his shitty cult and how he apparently devoted his life to it but never followed any of the rules. But it all just seems like he wants to get high. He wants to hallucinate. Somehow the "church" got him to believe his hallucinations have meaning.

I'm bitter and resentful. But most of all I feel disappointed and let down. I've never been so let down.

- - -

I've been hanging out with Sam a lot lately. And I'm sure he'll read this. I've been thinking about the situation a lot lately. I'm not happy. I'm not going to be happy for a long time. And that's just life. I really, really like Sam. I always have. Sam is extremely attractive. More attractive than anyone I've ever dated. And I like that we can talk about anything. Actually hold a conversation. I feel like this was a long time coming. It seems we both had to make a huge mistake after each other to come back to each other.

And I'm not unhappy because of anything that has to do with Sam. I'm just unhappy in general because my life is in shambles. More so now than it has ever been before. So I'm not happy. I'm not sad anymore either. I'm angry. I'm so fucking angry. Sam makes me feel better though. I want him to know that.

Gone

He's gone and I'm not handling it well. I'm not handling it much at all. I never expected any of this. I can't handle being alone. All I do is cry. If I'm around people, I just want to be alone. But when I'm alone, it's the last thing I want.

A lot of new information has me more on the fence than ever.