I'm selfishly connected to my changing mind.
What has my life become? Seriously?
Why is this such a constant struggle for me? I'm feeling anxious and guilty again, and I haven't even done anything this time!
I just really don't want to talk about this because I'm so worried that nothing is truly secret. And I'm getting tired of having secrets.
You know those repetitive phrases: Hate breeds hate. Hurt people hurt people.
We tend to defend ourselves against what hurt us by fighting fire with fire. Can you really hate a wolf for responding accordingly? It's easy to lose your softness when it's taken advantage of, and it's not a conscious decision; it just happens.
It's like that thing I say: it happened so slowly I thought it had always been this way.
I know I haven't always been this way. And, hey, I still have a guilty conscious, so the softness isn't all gone, right? But god damn am I good at feigning it. They all think I'm pink and perfect.
Well you can't wait, and I can't change. Apologies endless for ending this way.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Monday, July 20, 2015
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Libra
Make a deal; trade your soul for certainty.
I've got the devil on my shoulder and an angel at my feet.
Don't need that look; don't need that bible fairytale of what I've done, who I've become.
Oh I'm well aware but I'm so far in it
So sad that I'm the hint of life in your deserving eye
When every minute you spend hoping for love and respect brings me closer to goodbye.
The time will come you find out who I really am,
And we'll pretend that we'll be friends
Oh, when I do lie, you'd only last a little while.
The evidence keeps on building, and I'm sinking in defense
Will a measurement of intentions come, a guilty conscience
So let the air tip the scales
Let's go; one honest judge decide
And you will find the facts weigh down to favor you in time
What to do, oh, what to do now
Do I say it out loud--
What to do, oh, what to do now
--that I'm bound to back out?
What to do, oh, what to do now
Told me you wouldn't stay... It's easy that way.
- - - - - - -
I know you're probably going to see this sometime because you have been trying to find this blog ever since I told you I have one. I thought for a moment that you had succeeded. The parallels here are just too weird, and I can't explain that because it reveals too much that would ruin what I've kept hidden even on this blog. So anyway. Fuck it. I'm probably going to give you the link eventually. The trade-off is I probably won't talk about you here. And maybe I don't need to because I don't know whose eyes are prying.
I've got the devil on my shoulder and an angel at my feet.
Don't need that look; don't need that bible fairytale of what I've done, who I've become.
Oh I'm well aware but I'm so far in it
So sad that I'm the hint of life in your deserving eye
When every minute you spend hoping for love and respect brings me closer to goodbye.
The time will come you find out who I really am,
And we'll pretend that we'll be friends
Oh, when I do lie, you'd only last a little while.
The evidence keeps on building, and I'm sinking in defense
Will a measurement of intentions come, a guilty conscience
So let the air tip the scales
Let's go; one honest judge decide
And you will find the facts weigh down to favor you in time
What to do, oh, what to do now
Do I say it out loud--
What to do, oh, what to do now
--that I'm bound to back out?
What to do, oh, what to do now
Told me you wouldn't stay... It's easy that way.
- - - - - - -
I know you're probably going to see this sometime because you have been trying to find this blog ever since I told you I have one. I thought for a moment that you had succeeded. The parallels here are just too weird, and I can't explain that because it reveals too much that would ruin what I've kept hidden even on this blog. So anyway. Fuck it. I'm probably going to give you the link eventually. The trade-off is I probably won't talk about you here. And maybe I don't need to because I don't know whose eyes are prying.
I am a sinner with a crooked smile
And you took to the rhythm of a no good liar.
Did I ever feel this way before? Maybe it's the same every time. But maybe it's different every time! I'd like to think it's different. That's why it's so exciting, right?
Maybe I should quit hanging around those who don't make me feel good about myself... But for some reason I want it. I want it to offset those who put me on a pedestal. I feel that I need the balance. I'm so fucking numb to all of it though. The compliments mean nothing. The insults mean nothing. None of it makes me feel anything. I don't hang around either of these extremes too often anymore. I spend time in the neutral middle lately.
My family makes me feel bad about myself sometimes though. I mean, that's what family is for, isn't it? I still see Max from time to time. Not often anymore, but they are aware. And every time I do, they tell me not to "use him." I'm not using him anymore. I've always tried to make it mutually beneficial. I fill up his gas tank and buy him lunch/dinner/food. I mean, we do things together. I'm not just asking him to do things for me and then scram. Oh, and when we have a family get together, they still ask me "Where's [Max]?" despite everyone being in on the breakup now. Everyone knows we aren't together anymore. When I tell them that I don't know where he is, they always follow up with "I like him. He's a great guy." Fuck, man. They only like him because I never told them the real reason the relationship ended. I always only told them some sort of blanket like "We just didn't get along." If they knew the whole truth, they would quit making me out to be the bad guy. So I hope somewhere out there, he appreciates that I protected his fucking reputation to my family because they demean the fuck out of me about it.
Nana almost ruined everything. Max was picking me up so we could go to a small show together since it was his last day of vacation, I thought I'd be nice and offer to hang out because I know he'd just be over the moon about it. And we had been getting along lately, you know, like, he wasn't freaking the fuck out on me anymore. So, I was upstairs finishing getting ready, and he was downstairs eating food that Nana offered him because that's what she does. I should have never left them alone together. On the way to the show, Max misunderstood something Nana said. He thought she said that Jack was giving me rides to work. Nana is the ONLY person who has ever given me a ride to and from work. But it scares me that she mentioned Jack to Max... Max isn't supposed to know! Jack picked me up from Nana's house ONE TIME to take me to Murfreesboro for school. Of course, I stayed the night at Jack's house every night that week, but no one needs to know that except Jack and I (and Matt since he is a roommate). Nana doesn't know my relationship with Jack or Max's animosity towards him. So, it was a harmless statement in her mind since she thinks Jack and I are just friends. (Well, I mean, aren't we just friends? With benefits...). But I corrected Max when he brought up and said Nana is the only person who has ever given me rides. I'm sure he thinks I was lying, but I really wasn't.
And I guess it wouldn't be too bad if Max knew about Jack. It would just shatter him though. I think I've hurt him enough. My business is mine alone, and I'm trying to keep it that way. People I've been involved with don't need to know about who I am involved with after them.
Um, unrelated, but...
I crave the attention. THIS attention. Not the general attention you think I crave from all men. I know I say this every time I feel this way but... I haven't felt this way in a long time. I just want to be all over you. I want it. But I'm so scared of ruining it. I'm not in too deep yet, but I don't know what to do. I can't have everything in this case, but we all know how much I despise decisions. This one can't be tricked but mostly doesn't deserve to be. Ughhhh. You'd think the decision would be obvious and easy, but NOTHING IS EVER EASY.
Did I ever feel this way before? Maybe it's the same every time. But maybe it's different every time! I'd like to think it's different. That's why it's so exciting, right?
Maybe I should quit hanging around those who don't make me feel good about myself... But for some reason I want it. I want it to offset those who put me on a pedestal. I feel that I need the balance. I'm so fucking numb to all of it though. The compliments mean nothing. The insults mean nothing. None of it makes me feel anything. I don't hang around either of these extremes too often anymore. I spend time in the neutral middle lately.
My family makes me feel bad about myself sometimes though. I mean, that's what family is for, isn't it? I still see Max from time to time. Not often anymore, but they are aware. And every time I do, they tell me not to "use him." I'm not using him anymore. I've always tried to make it mutually beneficial. I fill up his gas tank and buy him lunch/dinner/food. I mean, we do things together. I'm not just asking him to do things for me and then scram. Oh, and when we have a family get together, they still ask me "Where's [Max]?" despite everyone being in on the breakup now. Everyone knows we aren't together anymore. When I tell them that I don't know where he is, they always follow up with "I like him. He's a great guy." Fuck, man. They only like him because I never told them the real reason the relationship ended. I always only told them some sort of blanket like "We just didn't get along." If they knew the whole truth, they would quit making me out to be the bad guy. So I hope somewhere out there, he appreciates that I protected his fucking reputation to my family because they demean the fuck out of me about it.
Nana almost ruined everything. Max was picking me up so we could go to a small show together since it was his last day of vacation, I thought I'd be nice and offer to hang out because I know he'd just be over the moon about it. And we had been getting along lately, you know, like, he wasn't freaking the fuck out on me anymore. So, I was upstairs finishing getting ready, and he was downstairs eating food that Nana offered him because that's what she does. I should have never left them alone together. On the way to the show, Max misunderstood something Nana said. He thought she said that Jack was giving me rides to work. Nana is the ONLY person who has ever given me a ride to and from work. But it scares me that she mentioned Jack to Max... Max isn't supposed to know! Jack picked me up from Nana's house ONE TIME to take me to Murfreesboro for school. Of course, I stayed the night at Jack's house every night that week, but no one needs to know that except Jack and I (and Matt since he is a roommate). Nana doesn't know my relationship with Jack or Max's animosity towards him. So, it was a harmless statement in her mind since she thinks Jack and I are just friends. (Well, I mean, aren't we just friends? With benefits...). But I corrected Max when he brought up and said Nana is the only person who has ever given me rides. I'm sure he thinks I was lying, but I really wasn't.
And I guess it wouldn't be too bad if Max knew about Jack. It would just shatter him though. I think I've hurt him enough. My business is mine alone, and I'm trying to keep it that way. People I've been involved with don't need to know about who I am involved with after them.
Um, unrelated, but...
I crave the attention. THIS attention. Not the general attention you think I crave from all men. I know I say this every time I feel this way but... I haven't felt this way in a long time. I just want to be all over you. I want it. But I'm so scared of ruining it. I'm not in too deep yet, but I don't know what to do. I can't have everything in this case, but we all know how much I despise decisions. This one can't be tricked but mostly doesn't deserve to be. Ughhhh. You'd think the decision would be obvious and easy, but NOTHING IS EVER EASY.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Scissors
So why does it always seem that every time I turn around somebody falls in love with me? This has never been my sole intention.
Starting to wonder if I even want to talk about things anymore.
I'm too tired to actually post, but I need to make a few bullets here so I don't forget for next time:
-Sony
-Party
-Jack... Eric... [new codename] Sam
-Locomotion
-Max
-Moving away and why I stay
-why my life is easy but also why it is hard
Save your scissors for someone else's skin. My surface is so tough, I do not think the blade would dig in. Save your strength. Save your wasted time.
Starting to wonder if I even want to talk about things anymore.
I'm too tired to actually post, but I need to make a few bullets here so I don't forget for next time:
-Sony
-Party
-Jack... Eric... [new codename] Sam
-Locomotion
-Max
-Moving away and why I stay
-why my life is easy but also why it is hard
Save your scissors for someone else's skin. My surface is so tough, I do not think the blade would dig in. Save your strength. Save your wasted time.
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