I built a bed in this hole I've made

Day 12: Five guys you find attractive
Hmm... I assume this means anybody. I don't know if I'm comfortable listing the real life people I know, so I'll list the "famous"ones. Those being:
1. Ben Barnes
2. Tom Sturridge
3. Leonardo DiCaprio (of course)
4. Jake Gyllanhaal
5. Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Honorable mentions include: Kennedy Brock, Ryan Gosling, and Brandon Boyd. I could list so many more, but I'll stop here. :b

My relationship shouldn't be this stressful. I'd honestly prefer arguing and fighting all the time and constantly breaking up and getting back together over this guilt trip. I didn't choose to feel this way. But I guess sacrificing my own happiness for his is the only way to have any kind of relationship. I've been doing it my whole life (for everyone else), so I suppose this is my existence and this is the way it has to be.

I'm just tired of feeling guilty. I guess this is all completely my fault and I'm a horrible human being. If you can even call me human at all.

Now I need to be fucking productive or something.

I'm running out of title ideas

Day 11: Your family
Um... okay, what about my family? I guess I'm just supposed to talk about them here. I miss my family. I'm really fortunate to have a close family. I'm transferring schools to be closer to them because I can't stand being this far away. Not right now anyway. I wasn't ready for this. I need to make a lot of changes in my life before I leave again. Anyway, I love my mom. I love my dad. I love my brothers. I love my grandparents, aunt, and cousins (on my mom's side-I don't know any of my dad's side of the family).  So, yeah. I want to see them all again. And I will get to very soon!

My mom is like most moms. She has helped me through a lot and continues to help me. I don't know what I'd do without her. Probably just die. I mean really. I would just die. I've lived with her most of my life since my parents divorced.

My daddy always treated me a little more special cuz I'm the only girl haha. He never says "no" to me. I'm by no means spoiled, but if he could afford it, he probably would have spoiled me growing up. He always let me have all the pets I want. I mean, it got out of hand. I had, like 13 dogs and 7 cats AT ONE TIME for a little while when I was younger. Haha. We have a tradition! The first Saturday in May we always go to the Old Timer's Day parade together. Every year. No one can fuck that up, and no one is allowed to intervene or tag along because this is between me and Daddy. Which reminds me, I need to call him...

Caleb, my twin, has made my recent life very difficult. Growing up, I've always had him there. We literally grew up by each other's sides and have never been apart. So, being all alone at school was really tough. That was one of the things I was not ready for. We used to fight a lot, but we never do anymore. I've always kinda considered him a safety blanket.

Ryan and Josh and Johnny are all great too. We all get along great now, though Ryan, Josh, Caleb, and I used to fight like HELL growing up. Johnny was always way older than us and never fought. Thinking about Josh depressed me. I honestly don't know how much more time we have with him. He needs help...

Nana is a big part of my life too. She's the best grandma ever. She's really cool and not a "typical old lady." She's funny and jokes around. Poppa too. He's an awesome grandpa. And of course I love Nicole and Nick and Robert an Judge to death. I just love my family. :)

- - - - - - - - - -

Nikki and I went to the zoo today. I was going to buy a couple things that I have wanted ever since I've been here, but I'm kinda really poor and that was the last time we'll probably ever go to that zoo, so I guess I can live without those things. I bought Caleb that card I've always wanted to get him. It's a birthday card, but since I'm seeing him for the first time in forever in a week, it's okay that I waited so long to get it.

Uh... so yeah. I gotta get some shit fucking DONE tomorrow and Monday. After Tuesday, I think I'll be pretty set.

So, Nate is just craving my attention. I guess I didn't communicate my point very well. Though I told him plain and simple that I am just not interested in continuing this relationship anymore. :/ I guess in a way I'm putting this off. He wanted to skype, and I turned him down. I don't know what to do. That should be my catchphrase...

Cemetery rain

Day 10: Put your music playlist on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play.
I mostly use Spotify now and have several playlists. Each playlist has a specific meaning and all the songs on them are similar or tell some sort of story together, so it wouldn't really work out. I'm just going to talk about what I've been listening to lately. I've been listening to a lot of Balance and Composure lately. A LOT. I just discovered Margot and the Nuclear So and So's. I quite like them. I found them when I was listening to Dispatch's Spotify radio station. Dispatch is cool too. Swear and Shake is another new one that I like.  I'm really into Now, Now. Since the Eisley concert, I've fallen in love with them as well. I've been listening to a lot more female artists/singers lately.

Thought of you when his lips grazed my neck
Thought of you with his hand up my dress
I thought of you after and before
Wonder if you think of me anymore
-http://www.sailorsandsirens.tumblr.com/tagged/poem

My drawing for drawing class went over very well in critique today. It's a self portrait in which I look pissed off. I was surprised at how much everyone liked it. The good news is I turned in my portfolio and sketchbook, so I never have to worry about those again. My drawing class went to the cemetery today.  We didn't get much work done because it started raining. So we went home. Yeah... Cool story, I know.

Yeah, this is boring. Caleb and I both come home on the same day in exactly one week. C'mooooon.

Gtfo

Day 9: How important you think education is
Uh, pretty fucking important. Ignorance and stupidity is by far the biggest problem in this country, if not the entire world. Studies have shown links between more educated people and lower birthrates. Which would greatly help our overpopulation problem. It's true that all stupid people do is breed. Like rabbits.

So, my super intense week is almost over. Then it's a super intense weekend (if I can bring myself to get shit done), and an easy-going week after that. I CAN'T WAAAAIT. >.< I stayed up til after 4am finishing that research paper. But at least I got shit done. It's a damn good research paper too, if I do say so myself. My papers are always good though. I'm not bragging, but.... Okay, I'm bragging. I've got to work on my stuff for Drawing class that's all due tomorrow.  Meaning, I have to do a drawing (always takes about 4 hours) and work in my sketchbook (will probably also take 4 hours at least...). If I start now, I can maybe be done by 1am. Honestly, the sketchbook is only worth 10% of my grade, so I'll probably half-ass it and not even do everything that's required. Oh well. I just want to get the fuck out of here.

I'm insatiable

Day 8: What you ate today
I don't eat much lately. For breakfast I ate some scrambled eggs. Then I just ate Easy Mac about an hour ago. That's the day's food intake.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Fondness makes the absence longer 
Length loses my interest, I’m a realist, I’m insatiable


It's 9pm and I need to START on a research paper that's due in the morning. It's not complete procrastination this time though. I've actually been working A LOT lately. And all the work I've been doing has kept me from doing other work. I've gotten a lot done this week and it's still not enough... Fuck my life.