2011

Eighteen was a pretty big year; you figured out yourself and why you're here.

2010 was a really big year. 2011 was an even bigger year. I'm actually kind of terrified of what 2012 has to offer.

Black, white, and shades of gray

I had a deadline. I had a set time, and I had built up the courage and the words to say. I was so certain. But over-thinking and over-analyzing has blended that black and white into all gray. Now I don't know what to do. Of course, I never know what to do. It helps that outside influences are no longer whispering in my ear. If only temporarily.

Next month will be a test. I'm not ready.

I swear I don't believe in love; this is as close as I can come.

Winter and fall are competing
Inside my head, outside these walls,
Are not competing at all
The question stands
Do I choose winter or fall...?

It's 7:30 and I'm already exhausted...

Let's see... I've hung out til 6am my first two nights with Nick. I went to Nate's house Friday/night.

Saturday I went to my dad's house. Ryan had a party. It was fun. Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came. :) I made hemp bracelets for several people. One guy who I didn't know was coming onto me way too much. The first thing he said to me when he sat next me was, "Your boyfriend is really missing out since I get the privilege of sitting by you." (For the record, Nate wasn't there). And Jake was right there and said, "You better not hit on Peewee's sister!" But that didn't stop him. He asked me to make him a bracelet, so I obliged because I was kinda bored and the hemp was keeping my busy. I got up to get scissors or something, and when I sat back down he was said, "Wear a shorter jacket next time." I asked why (already knowing), and he said, "Not to sound like a perv, but you got a really cute butt." And I was not flattered. That's just the beginning of it. For the rest of the night, he kept trying to talk to me and he would get way too close to me and I was just not having it. I tried to avoid him as much as possible. I told Pamp and he got mad lol. I told Nate and he was gonna drive out there to handle this guy, but I told him not to. Other than him, though, it was a fun night.

After four hours of sleep, today I went to Nana's for the annual family Christmas party. My aunt and little cousins were in town, and the whole fam-damn-ly showed up. I feel like a horrible person because I was with Pamp the whole time, and he kept putting his arm around me, and I know I'm going to hear about it later from my brothers. I probably shouldn't have been so close with him. I had a really nice time though... Oh, and I went with my cousin Nick to drop off his girlfriend and Pamp at their houses. Pamp's mom knew my name without being introduced. I've never met her before. So, I guess she knows about me. I didn't know what to think of that. She was really nice though.

I did some serious thinking on the car ride home, but I could probably use a little advice because I'm not sure if I'm drawing the right conclusions.

Wish I could find someone to pick up on the small details

After much longer than expected, I am finally home. For a good long while.

The car ride was too long, and I had a fish in my lap and the water spilled out a lot and my pants were wet, so that wasn't fun. It was also crowded, but at least it wasn't cold. So, I got home at around 10, and Nick came over, and we went to Kmart and bought some movies. Then we watched No Country For Old Men and played Plants vs. Zombies until 5am when he went home and I went to bed. He's gonna come over again either tonight or Thursday. Saturday I'm going to a party because Ryan is turning 22. Sunday I'm going to Nana's house to see my aunt and cousins and people while they're in town.

It's going to be a good break.

Nate is coming home... uh, I don't even know when actually. He doesn't tell me much anymore (which is why I do the same to him). I was going to get to meet his roommate Justin because he was going to come back with him and stay a week, but plans changed. I'll still get to meet him eventually though. I was kind of excited to meet him because I've skyped with him and talked to him and he seems like a pretty cool dude.

In school news, I made an A- in my English class. No surprise there. I made a B on my sketchbook that I labored many hours into for Drawing. It was still incomplete when I turned it in, so my grade is actually surprisingly higher than I expected. A pleasant surprise though. I don't know what I made in the class. The sketchbook is only worth 25% of the grade, so I'm assuming portfolio is worth the rest? I'm pretty confidant that I had a good portfolio, so I may have actually made a B in Drawing, which would be pretty sweet. If attendance is factored in, however, I may not have made a good grade in there. I had perfect attendance in all my classes except that one. I just couldn't stand that class and didn't want to go sometimes... I don't know what I made in my Digital class or Art History. I probably made an A in Digital, and, if I'm lucky, a D in art history... I don't know when I'll find out... or how. I'm assuming they'll mail grades home or something.

Yeah, so all that's boring. I just wanted to ramble.

And now Pamp is angry with me. I deserve it. I shouldn't be talking to him anyway.

Bored of You

I know I always talk about the same thing now, but I just gotta vent. So, you ignore me all day, then you send me a text late at night asking if any of your texts went through. I say no, and you respond, "Wow hahaha my phone has been acting weird lately." -.- Yet, oh so conveniently, all of your texts are happening to go through just fine now.

I'm not dumb, and I really hate when people take me for it. It's insulting.

I don't know for sure that he's lying. But if he is, I don't get it. Why lie to me? Just admit that you were ignoring me. I'd accept that and be less annoyed with it than stupid excuses. Yesterday he asked me, "Do you miss me at all?" I think he's catching on. If I break up with him, he really should have seen it coming.

My main concern is that I don't think I'll ever find anyone who treats me as well as he does... when we're together. He knows how to treat a lady, and it has always blown my mind how great he is. I never thought it would be possible for someone to treat me the way he did, and frankly, I never knew how to take it. It was almost too good to be true, but it was genuine.

But, he's obviously very negligent when we're apart, and not only that, but 365 miles apart. Plus, I just don't feel the same toward him anymore. He's lucky though; I liked him a hell of lot for much longer than I've liked anyone else. We've lasted longer than I would have expected. I've never had a serious relationship before, so I've obviously never had to break one off before. It's going to take some time and courage, and I don't know how much. I almost wish he would cheat on me or something just to make this easier. I really don't want to break his heart. He doesn't deserve that...

This song is becoming my soundtrack all too often in my life.