Too Young For This

I just want to pull my hair out.

And cry. But I can't do that.

I can pull my hair out though.

I'm working on some revelations.

Not a moment spent alone

Despite the party Saturday night being less than underwhelming, I still had a great weekend. Not a moment spent alone until right now. I hung out with Josh and Ashley and Jon and Mike and Krista and Jake a little and Ryan and Lauren and my daddy. And today I came home and Fonz came over and hung out, and he just left about 30 minutes ago. Now I'm ready for bed.

- - -

It's 2:30 in the morning and I'm not even trying to sleep. Oh, well. So, I'll elaborate a little more about my day.

Earlier today, Jon said he didn't even know Caleb and I were seniors. I told him he better be there on May 20th! He said he'll get some cap guns, dress like Yosemite Sam, and Yeehaw! all over the place when they call "Hayley an Dooer." And I said, "What if they actually call him Dooer?" And Jon asked, "Are we the only ones who call you Dooer?" And Caleb said yes. And it's true, but I don't feel like getting into the story behind the name. And Jon said Caleb should make up some crazy story as to why he's called Dooer, but it should be a different story every time he tells it. So I said one of the stories could be, "I climbed Mt.Everest. They said I'd never do it, but I did, so I'm a doer." And then Jon came up with, "You see that girl over there? Yeah... I'd do 'er." And that's just gold right there.

Today with Jon and Mike at the campfire was chock-full of A+ stories.

So, then Nick came over and helped me with my art project while we listened to Tool. And I let him try the Sims 3 on my computer. The Sims 3 is just always endless entertainment. Then I got the geetfiddle and we played it and the ukulele for a minute. Then he went home.

I had a fun day. Yesterday was pretty good too, but I don't feel like getting into it.

My dog is pregnant. She's super cute and the dad is TAZ. If you don't know this already, Taz is my life and soul all wrapped up in a bundle of black fur. I MUST keep one of these puppies. I will absolutely pull out my best negotiating card and talk my mom into letting me have one or talk my dad into letting me keep one. I mean, not only will they be irresistibly adorable because both Taz and Kia or sew kewt, but I also want a little baby Taz to carry on his legacy.

In other news, deliberately not sleeping is a form of unconscious (or maybe even conscious) self-harm. :|

Well, fuck.

Always where I need to be

So here I am once again with my back against this wall. Afraid to show you. Afraid to tell you that I don't know you like I did. I've never been so alone. I've never felt so insecure. And now I don't know where I'm going in my life. I'm not so sure.

Today was a pretty good day. It felt like Monday, but every now and then I'd remember that it's Friday and I'd get all excited. After school I spontaneously went Downtown with Meagan and Nicky. It was pretty fun. At least it was something different.

Now I'm jamming to The Kooks which just puts me in an even better mood. I'm about to head out for the weekend. Whether it'll be great or miserable is not yet known.

Everything Explained

I'm just going to go ahead and talk about it because I'm tired of putting it off. I'm going to do that by copying and pasting what I've already written.

I've been dating a player. Is anyone surprised?

Yeah, me neither.

Our only means of communication has been texting. That should have been a sign right there. It was, and I knew it, but I overlooked it. I overlooked a lot of things. I'm a dumbass. I'm not mad at him either. I'm mad at myself for being so stupid, for letting so many things slide, for accepting too much.

Well, we used to text everyday. I went 4 days without texting him. He didn't text me either. I was waiting for him to text me first so I could tell him that I didn't want to waste his time anymore. I knew if I texted him first, I would be too nice.

"Never underestimate a girl's ability to find things out."

(Thank you, Facebook)

Here's how I found out. Well, first there was this:



It wasn't really that big of a deal at first. But I guess you can see how I wouldn't appreciate it?

Okay, then that Diamond chick had a picture of her and him as her profile picture. She tagged him in it, so of course I creeped her profile. I'm not going to post the picture because I feel uncomfortable doing that. It was a picture of the two of them looking all happy and, what looks like, lying on a bed.

Maybe I'm crazy, but could you see how I wouldn't really like that?

So, I was on Facebook the other night. And I NEVER appear online on the chat, but that night I was and I didn't know it. He "chatted" me or whatever saying I hadn't texted him in awhile. First of all, the chat startled the hell out of me because I didn't know I was online and was not expecting it.



He actually had the nerve to say this. I guess it never occured to him that maybe I wasn't texting him because I was "a little annoyed" that he was - in some sense of the word - cheating on me.

When at the exact same time this was happening, I decided to check Ms.Diamond's profile again to see this:



Ya know, and that just kinda proved it.

We decided that night to "take a break" til summer. He proposed it of course. On the bright side, he also broke up with his other girlfriend the same day (as you can see by the picture)! My guess is that he had SCRUPLES (Oh ho ho - love that word).

From here, I can't tell if he's going to go back to her or if he actually feels guilty about it. I don't know. I don't think he feels guilty. He has absolutely no idea that I know. I want to bring it up, but I'm going to keep my mouth shut. I just really don't want to start any kind of argument or drama or anything. So, I'll sit here silently and not believe anything he says. And, yes, I'm still talking to him. For all he knows, we're going to get back together in the summer when he comes back.

I'm not waiting up for him.

This was hard to write. I had to move things around and do a lot of rephrasing. It's like a damn essay. I just wanted to get everything out there and have it all explained. I hope everything makes sense now.

I wish he would have at least had the decency to break up with me BEFORE dating the other girl. That way I'd have reason to dislike her haha. But mostly because then I wouldn't have felt so bad. I felt kinda worthless and "usable" if that makes sense. And I questioned a lot of things. I mean, it was HIS idea to stay together after he moved. He was the one who wanted to. It didn't make a difference to me either way. I wondered why he wanted to a)date me in the first place and b)stay with me even though we would be states apart.

I came to the conclusion that I'm just a safe bet. I'm just something to come back to. Unfortunately for him, I'm not going to make it that easy.

I hate that I was more naive than I thought I was. I mean, at the beginning of our relationship he told me he worried about "other guys" and stuff. Okay, I KNEW that his own insecurities meant that he had something to hide. His paranoia meant he has something be paranoid about it. I worried the same things he had, and I had more legitimate reason to worry, but I never once voiced my worries. Just kept them to myself...

I mean, I did know this the entire time it was happening, but he is SUCH a player. I wish I could show you all the texts he sent me, but that would include my replies and I wouldn't want anyone to lose any respect they had for me. >.> heh.

Oh, and for the record, there were never any "other guys." Obviously. Why would I do that?

Maybe I should be mad about the whole situation, and I kind of was at first. I was more disappointed though. Seriously disappointed. Mostly in myself.

Am I making this into a bigger deal than it is? I don't think so. I mean, he is the most serious relationship I've ever had. Even if it did turn out to be all a joke.

Anyway, now that that's out of the way...

I think there's a good possibility for a party on Saturday. Flip Cup! I'm sick of sitting in my room doing nothing, so I'm excited because it's finally something to do.

School tomorrow. I'm glad it's Friday. There may actually be a full week of school next week though. I don't know if I can handle it. Though, Wednesday (which is groundhogs day, btw. I never know when that is, but I know this year), I'll be going to themmovies for half the day. Hell yeah! haha. I hope it's fun.

I haven't been hanging out with anybody - nobody at all - for WEEKS. I want to make plans to hang out with people. I really just want to get a bunch of people and go to Thunder Alley and play pool. That sounds like fun to me.

You secretly believe what I privately know

I'm not as angry today as I have been, so I don't feel like telling this story today. I have, however, already typed it over the course of a few days. I don't know if I want to share the whole story because the way I put it makes me seem crazy. Not like "insane" crazy but "crazy bitch" crazy. :/ lol. Eh. I'll tweak it and say something about it later.