Documenting my spiral, I guess.  My mom taught me this trick. There's whiskey in this cup. And I like being alone in the car wash. Also my car was dirty and needed it real bad. It just so happens that at this very moment, there were 3 cops washing their cars in the manual stalls next to me. If only they knewwww. 

I feel like not a single damn thing is going right. I've quit taking my meds, quit eating, and my weight keeps going UP. Jobs aren't responding to my applications. David and I had a talk about our grievances last night, and I feel like it went nowhere. He literally asked me to tell him "where [he is] falling short," so I told him. And he turned it into an attack on him and decided to respond by attacking me. I would have preferred keeping my fucking mouth shut. 🙃 So I drink .

I've made a conscious decision to do what I want.  I don't have to be "good." I'm unhappy, and I'm going to fill the void wherever I can.  It is a great, big, unfillable void, but I'm going to throw in whatever makes me feel something.  

I wouldn't say I'm depressed.  I'm disappointed.  I'm bored.  I'm overwhelmed.

I tell myself that priority #1 is getting a new job. I've made up my mind to leave because I don't like or respect the new wannabe corporate overlords. To list all my grievances would involve volumes of dull complaints no one wants to hear.   VOLUMES.  

But I'm ready for a change in career. The available jobs listed out there all seem so awful and dead-end. I am underwhelmed by the options but overwhelmed in in my search to find anything that seems reasonable. And trying to decipher what's even legitimate... forget about it.  

I get so depressed searching that I start to wonder if my best option is to just die.  

Not to be all negative... but also absolutely to be all negative because I come here to vent: it's not much better at home.  I'm in a lifeless relationship that's exactly how it was the first go around. It's my fault for actually thinking it would be different this time. Classic folly. A tale as old as time.  I'm resentful already. I don't fully bite my tongue like I used to though.  I express my negative emotions out loud with no sugarcoating. Now I'm told I'm "mean" and make him "feel like shit." So... I guess I just don't know how to express things in a way that makes everyone happy.  But, you know what: everyone's not happy.  I'm not. 

I feel like I'm living with Lane still. I come home from work—because, as usual, I work way more—and he's playing video games or lying in bed staring at his phone.  I feel my blood pressure go up daily because this house, much like my life, is in shambles. He does help some.  He does the dishes... sometimes washes the bedding.  Sometimes scoops litterboxes. I acknowledge that.  But it's 10% . It's bare minimum and basic decency. I spend every single day off (I get 2 or 3 a month) cleaning. Always cleaning. Another thing that sometimes makes me want to die because it never ends. The only way for it to end for me... is for me to end. So my resentment is because there is, yet again, another person living in my house who spends way, way more time in it than me, and,  yet again, I feel like I'm doing 90% of the work. I'm absolutely drained. 

I read a news article today about a couple in Australia with 2 severely autistic kids who required round the clock care. No breaks. No help. For 16 years. They killed the kids and themselves. It was too much and there was no end in sight. I would have done the same thing.  I get it. 

When does life get enjoyable?  I am so tired of working. I'm so tired of cleaning. I am so tired of baring the weight of the mental load and feeling like I'm getting nowhere. I'd like to, once again, point out that I'm not suicidal, but it's genuinely hard to see what it's all for. 

I guess I am depressed. What else is new. 

I've been mostly off my medicine for awhile, and it makes me feel like absolute shit. Idk if I would say suicidal,  like friends of mine have said in the past, but it's a sbow day, and I've been sleeping the majority of the day. I've drank half a bottle of whiskey to calm the brain vibrations. And I've taken half the amount of drugs as David has. I quit taking my meds so I would feel the full effects of mushrooms, but I'm so fucking depressed that I don't care anymore.... lol. 

So I've been sleeping and drinking off and on all day. And now I'm on idea how many grams of "mushroom" gummies. I'm taking a bubble bath and mostly feel sleepy and nauseous... and somehow its still better than the brain hurt. I see why going off meds makes people suicidal. Jesus Christ. 

I decided to be honest about how I'm feeling lately. 

I'm disappointed in David in a lot of ways. It would kill him to know that, so I only bring up my feelings when certain things come to a boil. I guess?  I thought the sec was great. Well, it's fallen off to be nonexistent.  I think his relationship with his boss is weird and inappropriate, but he defends it tooth and nail. I don't feel like going into detail.  Maybe when they are off gallivanting in Florida for David's birthday, I'll spill my guts on this. Too sleepy now. 

The job I have on again, off again loved/hated for 10 whole years has come to an end. I'm looking to change my whole career. When I bring up something like going back to school, David respond immediately,  "you'll hate it." Instead of being supportive.  It brings me down and makes me want to do it even more oit of spite... until I learned it costs $13k for a whole year. I hate it here. 

Battery is dying both digitally and mentally. Who knows when I'll write again. 

I'm a sad person. 

My medicine makes me unable to cry,  but i feel like a good cry would be a welcoming release. I'm depressed, and I've been depressed for some time now.  The smallest thing can set me off and ruin the rest of my day. It happens often. I just can't bounce back from a disappointment.  

I'm sad right now and my mind races with unhealthy ways to cope. I want to do irresponsible things out of spite. 

And, honestly, I might do them. I want to be selfish. I want to feel better.