So, Lane is gone from my life forever. I don't miss him at all. I wasn't even sad this time when it ended. Because this time, it was ended on my terms; and I always knew that if it happened again, it would for good. He has been unemployed since October, living in my house, and not contributing to bills. I caught him on my ring camera talking to another girl everyday on the phone saying he was only staying with me until she left her fiancé. Well, I blew the whole thing up and put an end to that real fast. I kicked him out of my house and then had a surprise Going Way Away party when he came back to pick up his stuff that I laid out in the driveway.
When I told him we were breaking up, he showed no emotion. He said, "Okay. Why?" And I answered, "I'm not going to he disrespected while you wait for Shanna and Trevor to break up." He laughed. His only response was to laugh. And that laugh made every ounce of grace I might have had leave my body. I have felt *nothing* for him from that moment on.
When we first started dating, I wrote about the time he gave me a look while we were out at my cousin's show. I said something like, "I love spending time with you" and he looked at me with an unspoken "I love YOU" in his eyes. That look was burned into my memory and kept me hanging on for so many years. It has since been replaced with that laugh.
He made it so easy to not love him anymore. He made it so easy to make a clean break and not miss him. I can't believe how good things have been since he's been gone. I'm the past, I would be am absolute mess after we broke up. But I haven't cried once.
I called up David.
He and I had reconnected some months ago. David wanted to get back together... he moved back to TN. But I kept choosing Lane. I told myself it wasn't a sunk cost with Lane, but it turns out it absolutely was. When I was driving home from work in the middle of the night to kick Lane out of my house, I called David. We had gone contact for a bit, so he wasn't expecting my call. He answered but was too inebriated to have a conversation, so the entire conversation was "let's talk tomorrow. Okay bye." As soon as I hung up, I cried. Something about the sound of his voice sent me over the edge.
He came over the next day, and I haven't spent a day without him since. I get excited to see him every single day. He cares about me and shows it. He really, truly loves me. And I have never been so in love. I have been infatuated and in love before, but never like this. It's nice because it's not new. We never got to have "new" even 8 years ago when we were together then. And I'm going to hope that means it never gets old.
I was secretly worried that I wouldn't be able to love him like this, which is what made me keep him at arm's length but not *in* my arms... but my expectations have been greatly exceeded. He is so much better in every single way.
The other day, we went to see my mom and some other family and friends. We split an edible on the way there and severely underestimated how strong it was. We got WAY too high. It was funny, but when it was time to leave, I told him that he definitely had to drive because I hate driving (and being out in public) high. Halfway home, I looked over at him and realized I was really glad he was driving. I realized I felt safe. And that realization filled my whole body with love for him. It filled me with warmth. It's something I haven't felt in ages, if ever.
Things are going so well, and I am really, truly happy. It just feels good and right and like this is going to last. I feel like we're going to get married, and the thought doesn't scare me *at all.* David hasn't even mentioned marriage and neither have I, but it certainly crosses my mind more than it ever has before. I never wanted to marry anyone before. Until now, I guess.
I trust him 100%, and that makes all the difference. Also, just to rub it in, I'm having the best sex of my entire life now. It's like he was built specifically to press all my right buttons. I can't get enough. I've never wanted or enjoyed sex so much. So much of my sex in the past was just obligation. But lately, it's my idea and I'm initiating OFTEN. He says it's his idea, but... I'm definitely making moves *daily.* Sometimes more... I've just never experienced this before.
Despite always being in a relationship, I've always been fiercely independent. I've always assumed I was going to do it on my own, and I acted accordingly. But he won't let me do it all on my own, and I feel like, in time, maybe I can let my guard down a little and relax with the assurance that, for once, someone else has got this.
I'll update later with the wedding plans. 🙃
