Last night,  Lane came over. He got in real late coming from his dad's house in Arkansas... supposedly. 

While he was in the shower, his phone started going off. I rolled over to see what was up,  and he was receiving a Snapchat Video call from "Maggie." I don't know who that is, but I've been thinking about it all day. 

Is he cheating? It's literally the only explanation I can think of. I couldn't find a Maggie or a Margaret on his FB friends or on his empty Instagram profile that he doesn't know I know about.  

I have had other inklings of possible infidelity. Sometimes he acts in a way that is suspicious of a guilty conscience.  I'm really focusing on myself right now and don't want to bring this up to him just yet. But I can't tell anyone about it, and it's been on my mind, so I'm hoping getting it down here will help me focus elsewhere for awhile. 

I was in Japan with a small group of people.  I think for Caleb's birthday or something (I guess in this scenario it was not also my birthday). I remember being uncomfortable because I didn't speak the language and was worried about getting lost.  We were sorta out in nature. There was a specific structure we came upon that was a building, but it was like a memorial for this spirit, who was a fish. There were waterways and ponds inside that the fish lived in.  I don't think I ever saw him,  but other people in my group did. Then we were walking through the forest, and I saw a little alligator in a creek. I got closer to look at it.  I found a massive toad in the mud and was holding it and kinda trying to use it to lure the little alligator out of the water to get a better look at it.  I was actually having fun at this part. The hike led us farther up a mountain and I started to enjoy the trip more. There was some travel by boat I think on a large body of water (because all my dreams include bodies of water), but details get fuzzy. There was also a bit at the beginning where I poured since degreaser on the floor to clean a spot at the place we were staying, and the mopping was making the checkered pattern on the floor disappear. I mopped the entire floor to erase the checkers so that the floor would be clean and also to not leave a weird spot on the floor. That's all I remember. 

I just woke up from a dream that was boring but I can't stop thinking about it.  I was in a location that looked similar to my childhood home/my dad's old house.  I lived there, mostly alone.  I had a room that I spent most my time in.  It seemed me dad lived there, too, and I was waiting for him to come home.  I kept looking out the window,  but he wasn't there. I just remember being painfully bored and desperately lonely.  So much so that as soon as I woke up,  I did *not* want to go back to sleep.  There were earlier times depicted,  for some reason,  with other people in the house who spoke Spanish. Like thinks used to happen there. I had one flashback with my spanish-speaking ex; it was sexual... but the main take away was the loneliness and longing I felt. I hated it.   

Maybe I should bring this back?

I took it down because the guy I was dating asked my permission to "look me up." I thought he would be thorough and find this place. 

He wasn't that smart. 

But neither was I.

It might be time to start getting some things out again.  I'm feeling happier these days—to a degree—but there's always this alphabet soup sloshing around in my head that could only benefit me if I pour it out.