I'm not sleeping well. Last night I woke up at 2am and for the next few hours, when I would drift off, it was either sleep paralysis or lucid dreaming. I'm not sure how to describe it. I would immediately hallucinate so much noise... or just dreaming that I was in my room every time and dreaming the noises? The first time I remember, I was lying in bed and the bedroom door was open (it was irl) and it was dark in the rest of the house.  But I immediately heard yelling and screaming from several different voices coming from the dark parts of the house and my body flooded with anxiety/fear. I struggled to wake up out of it, but I eventually did. And the house was (too) quiet every time I woke up.  The next time I closed my eyes, it was super noisy again. I already forget what the noise was and can't remember what I saw but u saw something in my room on the opposite side of the door that filled me fear/anxiety. So I woke up.  This happened many times probably until I just woke up for real at 7am. Everytime I was froen/stuck in fear for awhile before I could re-open my eyes. Every time I closed my eyes, my subconscious was filled with noise and my whole body would tingle with anxiety.  

I don't remember this happening the last time I went crazy. But I slept like shit and now I'm once again awake way too early on a day off with too much open space of time to fill ahead of me. 

I feel like I physically cannot cry if I'm drunk and/or high. And I'm gonna be for awhile. 

You realize a whole lot of things when you're suddenly and unexpected crushed with total grief. I realized that I liked having my fantasies but never wanted to make them realities.  I don't want them. I don't want to see or fuck these men. I don't want to be single. I'd way rather be angry and upset than to feel like this.

You realize how much you still love someone when you find out they no longer love you.  And it hurts deeply realizing they must have quit loving you a long time ago.  That must be why he wasn't trying anymore... which is what upset me... which is what drove him away even further. 

You realize how alone you are because you never learned how to really live with yourself.

The grief of losing my dad has been bubbling back up because I feel like I never fully acknowledged that grief. And thinking of him being gone... and now Lane being gone... and my house being so fucking quiet is very, very hard to handle. In fact, I am not handling it well or at all. I've just been crying a lot.

I once again don't know how to fill this silence or empty space. I wake up, and I am filled with anxiety because there is too much day ahead of me to have to get through. 

He always has the luxury of his support system because he is always with his family. I have people who are supportive, sure, but I am so, so alone in this.  And I feel like I must be taking it way worse than he is because I'm on the receiving end. He initiated; he is feeling relief and a load off for sure. It kills me when I'm on this side of things. I asked if we can stay friends and he said be still cares for me and hopes that we do. What a nice thing to say in the moment. I don't believe that we will be friends.  He doesn't want to see or talk to me. He hasn't wanted to for a long time. Don't think I didn't notice he chose the word "care" not "love." It struck a chord. 

I still talked about our future. Lots of "we"s were thrown around when I talked of goals and plans. But now I'm re-blueprinting everything.  

The not eating or sleeping was immediate. I'm self-medicating with whiskey+benadryl, which helped last night.  But I still woke up just before 6am on a day off. The flood of anxiety that immediately released with consciousness did not allow me to go back go sleep. 

I go sit on the back porch when I can't breathe. It doesn't help, but I always think it will... I've done it 5 times today before noon. 

I still love him. I know not being able to talk about things is my biggest flaw, but I wish he had at least tried talking to me about this before springing it on me. But instead, he did like me, and let it fester, I guess. I would have talked... it just has to be wrestled out of me.

I started therapy last week and didn't tell him about it. I was hoping it would help me get passed my own shit and learn to communicate,  so I could communicate with him how I had been feeling. We just broke up 2 days ago. So I guess I'll have a lot to talk about in therapy but the goals will be different. 

I'm really trying to change this time. I'm doing therapy now. I'm writing down goals in my phone. I do want to be better. I can't stand this and I can't stand myself. 

I kept writing in here that it was pretty much over and I wanted something different. I also suspected at the end that he was somehow reading this or my messages or something. Maybe it was guilty conscience or maybe it was intuition... or maybe it was nothing at all and he had entirely different reasons. But all I really wanted was for things to be better. Sometimes I thought that could be accomplished only with someone new. And maybe it will, but if not what I want right now.

I wasn't ready for this, but I did deserve this.

(As soon as I posted this, the doctor office called to reschedule my therapy appointment to next week, so I have to wait even longer to get help for this and I'm kinda panicking. Thanks, universe.)

Just here to say that I've given up on so many things. I'm all out of energy to care anymore.

And I can't stop thinking about so many other things...  

He is out of town as usual. He doesn't communicate with me as usual. And I truly haven't been upset about any of it. I think I'm finally out of fucks to give.

I'm experiencing my third major illness in three months. First it was bronchitis in March. Then it was Covid in April. Now it is something that presents like strep (worst sore throat of my life, fever... the coughing didn't start until the sore throat subsided) but I tested negative for strep and everything else.  It's so bad that I dragged my ass up to a clinic. You know I never do that. Called out of work for 2 days. You know I never fo that either. But I got some stuff done as soon as I saw the slightest bit of improvement. 

I've been having Nick work on my car since he is an actual mechanic. He offers to do it for free because he is still into me after all these years. I pay him anyway because I don't believe in doing what you're good at for free. And I don't want to "use" him. We both like the excuse to see each other,  although I know I am very good at not letting that on.  He knows I have a boyfriend.  I know he has a girl around; he told me. So, we just talk, mostly about my car and the state of the world. Neither of us ever mention the significant others.  After today, I realized I am more physically attracted to him than I originally thought while I watched him move around the shop to switch out my tires...  But we both pretend like it's nothing. And that's all okay for now. I know I am way too much of a devil woman for him and I know he doesn't know that. He is deeply religious these days, wears a cross on his neck and everything. And I am too mentally unstable to acknowledge any of this right now. 

Speaking of, they had me fill out a questionnaire at the clinic yesterday.  Completely unrelated to why I was there. But since I had a high score on the form, they offered to refer me to behavioral health specialists. So I accepted the offer. Who knows if anything will actually come of it.

I've also been talking a lot to a boy I met in 2016 who I had the briefest of flings with after The Disaster. He is also super into me but definitely remembers things differently than I do. I haven't corrected him because I don't want to shatter his fantasy. He lives states away, so I've been entertaining him.  He is well aware of my rationship, of which I remind him often,  so he knows the boundaries. It's probably not healthy of me, but it's nice to have someone to talk to. 

I hate to put this in writing, but I have been thinking it.  I just realize I am not as attracted to someone who doesn't have a job. Lane hasn't had a job since February. I've tried to be cool about it, but I have let some bottled up emotions spill out from time to time. I still love him, and on some days I still feel it, but I've been so down lately that I don't feel much of anything. I think about how I would feel if it ended, and I know I don't want that yet. Though,  when he is gone (as much as he is lately), I let the idea sink in that this is what it could be like all the time... and it doesn't scare me like it used to.  

I had a dream that I was out in public at a park or something. I saw The Boy in the distance.  Somehow, eventually, we came together without words. We hugged/held each other for a long time.  We then decided we had to go somewhere from here. We couldn't just stay here.  So we started walking. We were indoors at this point, like a public building looking area. A school or a hospital maybe...  I don't know.  We were talking about not knowing where to go from here.  I saw the park in the distance and said we want to be back in the park. I realized what was happening and told him,  "it's a metaphor."  He teased back,  "You and your big words." I replied, "You're a writer; you know what a metaphor is." We made our way toward the park which required walking under a bridge. We got separated and were talking through a headset or something.  The connection got bad and I couldn't understand anything he was saying, so I went back to find him. He was still standing on the other side of the bridge. I walked toward him,  but the connection was not getting any better.  Still static and breaking up.  The bridge was getting lower and lower the closer I got until the point that it was almost crushing me.  I'm not claustrophobic but I have a real awful fear of being pinned down,  and that's what this bridge was doing to me.  I started freaking out and told him I had to go.  I tried lifting the weight off of me,  and that's when I woke up.

Pretty straightforward metaphor there. But I don't know why it's happening now.  

Then again, I have covid right now... it was just a fever dream.  

I went to Walmart the other day to get some travel things for this trip.  They didn't have everything I needed, so I decided I would go to Target the next day and look there.  I dreaded it all day and put it off for as long as I could (I was at work and planned to go on my break). I didn't want to go because the guy I "dated" in the interim works there.  I just don't want to run into him.  

So when I finally go up there, just my luck,  he walks in at the same time I do.  I felt like I didn't recognize him at first,  but he walked in in front of me,  and the neck tattoo gave it away.  To my relief, we did not make eye contact and went opposite directions once inside. But it gave me so much anxiety. Later, I realized why it took me a minute to recognize him: he has a very full beard now.  The kind that takes a long time to grow out. I always tried to get him to grow his beard out when we were talking, and he would always get rid of it after a couple weeks. He should have listened to me sooner because it somehow makes him look taller. Just an observation. Oh well. 

The anxiety was a lot, and I do not think I'll be returning to that Target. Nothing I need/want there that I can't just get online. 

I'm staying at my aunt's house near Atlanta tonight because we fly out of Atlanta tomorrow for Greece. I want to be okay for this trip, so I'm getting everything out on here. Lane told me not to find a hot Greek man while I'm there but added on, "or at least don't tell me about it if you do." I'm reading too far into that.  I absolutely won't meet anybody of course,  but why would he put it that way?  Feels like a seed.