Limbo

The reality of it all is starting to sink in more.  I realize I can likely not move forward with either option.  The one with the history leaves me riddled with doubts.  I am almost certain I can't be happy in the future unless a loooot of things change.  Who am I to wish for change? That's not how to properly love.

I can't move forward with the other option as this whole thing has gone on too long,  and it would become obvious to either the one person or to everyone else.  

And I sit here and think I have options. I will remain in limbo until both choices fall away.  I will lose them both as I deserve. No one gets to have it all. No one deserves any of this. 

I'll just continue to work myself to death to avoid everything else. 

in spite of ourselves...

Has he ever made any decisions that involved me? No. All of his big decisions are in spite of me. For someone who wants to talk about marriage a lot, he clearly doesn't understand what it means to include someone in your life on that level. 

It just pushed me further away. 

And I was already pretty far away. 

Of course,  my decisions lately have also been in spite of him. And sometimes to spite him... I know I should end it, but I'm a coward who avoids conflict at all costs, and it takes a long time to build up to that. The distancing, as shameful as it is, will soften the blow. 

We had plans to hang out this coming weekend because I'm off work for the first time in a very long time. But he took on a side project, it seems, and said he will be using Saturday and Sunday to work on it. So, I guess I won't be driving down there to see him, which is fine because I don't want to hang out with his mother. I have made other plans for the weekend with people who actually want to spend time with me. And I am making an effort to be more present with those who actually want to be present with me.

Another blow: I visited him (at his fucking mom's house of course) and we went to get food. Dude at the drive thru window complimented his stupid muscle car. So he showed off when he drove away and squealed out of there like a maniac. I was super mad because I was in the car and I have told him not to fucking drive like that with me in the car. He said something about how he did it for the dude at the window. I said, "so you respect that dude more than me?" He said, "I respect you, like, 99% of the time." I told him that was a fucked up thing to say but at least he admits it. I was mad the rest of the night.

Was it overreacting to be mad about it? He admitted to not respecting me sometimes. I mean, I feel completely disrespected by him OFTEN, but it hurt to hear him say it. 

Also his "99%" was a huge exaggeration.  It's def on the low end.

I have not called it quits because I always stay in situations way longer than is necessary or healthy. I'm just withdrawn. I was putting in the effort, I guess, to be petty, just so I can say I did. But we are at a point where we hardly even talk. He is oblivious.  For him, this is no change since I am, as previously stated, always on the backburner. He rarely thinks about me. 

So I guess now he is on my backburner because I'm pre-occupied. I guess I'm just waiting for that last nail in the coffin. 

emotional baggage

I had the thought that I should hide my revenge posts. The fact that I want to hide them means that I feel shame.  I know I'm the bad guy. 

And I know it's not going to last.

I've been trying to put extra focus into this relationship. Trying to, maybe,  re-ignite the flame or something.  It's just hard when it's not reciprocated. 

I was talking to him on the phone the other day while he drove home from buying his new car.  He was on the way home... as in his mom's house.  And, as usual,  his mom calls in. He abruptly ends the conversation with me and hangs up to get her call.  The woman he is literally driving to. He always hangs up with me and drops everything for her. So when he tried to call me back a whole hour later, I didn't answer.  I wasn't in the mood.

He came and saw me for the weekend.  

But when he left work, he, as usual,  disappeared for hours. I texted him 2 hours after he got off work asking if he was on the way yet. Didn't hear back for another hour or so until he finally said he just left...  at 8pm. It's a 2-hour drive. We had dinner plans.  They did not happen. 

When he arrived at my house at nearly 10 o' clock at night,  he told me he had "planned" to leave a lot sooner but was asked by his mom and sister to do a very time-consuming task that he most certainly obliged.  Never once thought to inform me,  who was waiting up for him. So I finally said some of the things I had bottled up all this time.  Told him this is always the case. And how I am always on the backburner and never a priority.  He tried to lie and say I am,  so I told him I sure don't feel like one.  

That's when he tried to say that I was lying and that he comes with this baggage and my options were to accept or break up with him.  

He has a VERY high self-worth so must have thought I would choose the former option. I just said "okay" and ended it there.  I am 90% into the latter option.  I know I'm not going to continue to accept it.  Thanks to him being completely unwilling to even consider seeing it from my side,  I am ready to call it quits.

And what perfect timing because the fucking boy has reappeared out of nowhere. 

I'm tired of being unhappy