It doesn't feel like you're there for me.  Or that you care.  I often feel like an afterthought. 

I barely heard from you on my birthday. It's typical though.  

I have been in such a funk, and I hate feeling so weak.

I had a 4-day weekend, and I spent it with Lane... and then some.  There was an ice storm in Tennessee on the day I was supposed to drive back home. So I got stuck at Lane's for 2 extra days.  I had planned some things for his birthday that weekend,  and he claimed to enjoy it. But,  at the end,  it felt like he was tired of me.  The last couple days,  I just tried to pretend I wasn't there.  We didn't hang out together much. He watched stupid anime shows with his roommate and played Xbox games online with his friends.

On Wednesday,  he didn't wake up until around 1:00pm, and the first thing he said to me was, "have you talked to Caleb today?" Implying if I had heard any news on the road conditions in TN. I took that as a "When are you leaving?" So I decided to go ahead and risk it and make the 2-hour drive home.  I packed my bags in silence. He looked at his phone and didn't say a word to me.  I kissed him bye, and all he said to me was bye.

The drive made me nervous at times, but obviously, I made it home safe.  

He never checked on me.  I sent him a text that I was home and got a reply hours later.  

Maybe I'm reaching and reading too far into it all, but I can't change how it all made me feel. And I have felt like garbage since being home.  I haven't talked to him much in the last couple days,  and I can't stop thinking,  "this is why we can't live together again... why does he even talk about marriage and shit like that? Why does he want me around?" He doesn't act like he wants me around. 

I was supposed to be off work this weekend,  but since I took the whole week off for weather,  I chose to work this weekend.  I haven't told him,  and he hasn't mentioned us seeing each other at all (he still thinks I'm off this weekend). 

I hate that I get this low. I feel like I fell off a cliff into a bottomless hole.  I can't bring myself back up,  and it's been 3 days.  I've been taking benadryl to put me to sleep every night,  and I've eating next to nothing. 

What is so wrong with me??

I can't be happy in a relationship.

Because I don't communicate.  It's great for the other person who doesn't have to hear me bitch.  

I am always conflicted between "nobody is perfect" vs "I can be happier."

I just feel like if I express an issue I have with someone, I will be met with resistance or bullshit words. I don't care how sincere you are, I just can't believe words alone.  And I'm not into arguing,  so resistance is,  well... futile. 

I'm not trying to be right.  I'm trying to be heard. 

I just wonder if the issues I have are me being picky or actually big deals? I feel like, lately it's a lot of ideological things.  That isn't something that can be "fixed" with changed behavior. 

Changed behavior itself is so rare that I have only ever seen it once, and it wasn't for me; that person did it for himself... as he should.  

I just don't have the energy, and I don't think anyone deserves that.  

I've been unwell for far too long now

I will preface this with the repetitive and obvious: I need therapy.

So, things are much like they were the last time we tried. He is hardly available and often disappears with no communication.  I wouldn't get SO upset about it if he did this to everyone, but it seems it's just me. When I am with him, his phone is always set to vibrate,  so he is immediately notified of a new message or phone call. And he always immediately tends to it. If he is driving, if we are watching a movie, if we are at a restaurant or the mall, if I am in the MIDDLE of telling him a story, he must heed the call.

However,  not when I call. Not when I message. 

I admit, I am needy and, perhaps, jealous of the attention he gives... just about everyone else. I already said I'm aware I could use therapy. Regardless, I don't believe my perception is skewed here. I have been witnessing his behavior/actions (the only thing I really pay attention to) for a long enough amount of time to know this is just the way things are. 

And, as always, I am just as unhappy about it as I was before. 

And he continues to insist on marriage, but why? So he can put me away in a box in the attic just so that no one else can have me? 

It seems like I've always got way more time for him than he has for me. You know, how it has almost always been. 

I'm starting to feel like I did before everything ended. Like maybe this just isn't the right time for him. He clearly has a lot of more important things going on, and there just isn't much room for me.

The one and only reason I am not obsessing over it is my one incredibly dishonest and unhealthy coping mechanism of entertaining the other boy. Whenever I start to get upset about it, I just move my focus to someone who seems to always have the time for me. I have a ton of thoughts on this, but, in short, he had all the missing parts that I was looking for when I found him: a work ethic, a lack of religion and draw for macabre, and most importantly, all the time in the world for me. The man is kinda "boring" in that he really doesn't do much. If I wanted to, I could spend time with him WHENEVER. He doesn't play video games, he doesn't talk to his parents all day everyday (or much at all from what I can tell), and he texts me consistently while he is at work, AND, get this: after work when he gets home.  AND when he is out with friends at a bar. ANDDD when he is out of state visiting his family.  Y'all, he texts me when he is with his mom. He goes to the bathroom and sends me selfies. 

Lane doesn't know I exist when he is with his mom.

And it kills me because that relationship will always be the most important to him. Obviously,  it should be. She will always be there and always love him and take his back unconditionally. That's the way it is supposed to be and that's the way it is. It's not that I'm jealous of it, per se, but maybe deep down I really am? It's more how obvious he makes it and how not-a-priority second-best he makes me feel. I guess I just want to feel like I am being treated the way I treat my partners: as a priority. Just seems like if you have someone who you want to build a life with and spend the rest of yours with that they would be that important to you. Am I wrong?

It is clear he doesn't share the same level of respect for me as he does for her. I have all the examples to prove it. Just read further back in this blog. 🙄

My problem is I live up my SO's butts and can't see outside the relationship when I'm in one. I know this. I just wish I could find someone who was the same way. 

Anyway, the other boy can't stay because he is problematic in other ways. That's what I've been telling myself. If I'm being honest, I have been keeping him around for the attention that he gives me. The "revenge" of it puts me at ease. I've stated before that I don't "get revenge" to make the other person feel bad; I have always done it to make myself feel better. It is selfish, I know. And incredibly wrong. The most wrong thing I could ever do... But I don't mean it to be malicious.

I'm not saying that it's right
I'm not saying that it's always right
I'm just saying that it's not a lie

...that it's where I'm at tonight

I shouldn't turn this place into bitching about a relationship that I cried for and pined to be back in. But I just have to get things off my chest. I'm just trying not to explode.

I've been waiting to talk about things here because, despite the things I do say here, I am too paranoid to say certain other things. 

I'm seeing Lane again.  But I haven't cut things off with the other person I was seeing.  I haven't seen this person since October (since before I started talking to Lane again), but I haven't gotten the courage to break it off.  I've only continued to text him. He had informed awhile back that he was moving back to his home state of Arizona in a couple months,  and I thought that was my get-out-of-jail-free card.  It would just end naturally and there would be no confrontation. So simple. 

And then there was a whole week where he didn't text me at all. I thought he ghosted me.  Even better,  right? Turns out he had just crushed his phone at work and it took him a week to find my number again (we don't have each other added on any form of social media -  cell phone has always been our only communication). 

Well, he texted a week later and also informed that he is staying in Nashville, not moving. So... this is still a thing I really need to deal with.  For now I've been avoiding seeing him,  and he has definitely picked up on it.  I'm starting to think maybe I should just get it over with via text message. I already feel shitty enough as it is about all of this, so why not just go the extra shitty mile and "break up" over text message like a fucking coward?

And now Lane is dropping way too many hints about marriage. Reminds me of the hints he dropped about leaving me before he left... 

The other day he brought up marriage, and I joked, "If you want to bring government into it,  then I will only agree if Bernie Sanders officiates." So he immediately went on Twitter and asked Bernie Sanders to officiate. Of course,  he has received no response as far as I know. 

But the biggest hint was the other day when we were in Bed Bath & Beyond. He asked me what I would say if he were to ask me to marry him right now.  He said, "what if I had a $250 ring and got on one knee in this Bed Bath & Beyond right now? What would you say?"

He must be delusional. Even if I didn't have this giant loose end to cut off, I would never agree to that under current circumstances. We have only been reconnected for a little over a month. I told him that I would say no. I told him that way more time would need to pass and there would need to be more security in the relationship.  He said,  "okay,  I'll wait then."

I don't know if he really has a ring or if he just knew I wouldn't call his bluff. And, for now,  I don't want to know. I still don't feel secure. I have concerns and doubts. I don't know that he won't have another change of heart or that I won't this time. It is a lot to unpack for me, and I'm not impulsive with these kinds of things ever.  He shouldn't be so certain in this either considering I know I've been vague and flighty since getting back together.  I just can't express anything in any certain terms right. 

Anyway,  I had a colposcopy on Monday, and it is taking way longer to heal this time than it did last year. Maybe that means it's cancer... I'll know next week.