It's been one month. Feels like sooo much longer, like, at least 3 months.  But,  it's been one month, and this is me we are talking about,  so you know what that means:

I've been talking to this new guy. 

I started it as a distraction,  and it still is one.  We have not met and have no intentions to for the near, foreseeable future. But he is a VERY good distraction. 

And I am VERY good at finding information on people.  His phone number allowed me to find out his full name and current address. I couldn't find him on social media under his full name or any possible nickname combination I could think of,  so I gave up after that roadblock.

Then, yesterday,  he sent me a screenshot from instagram. After a lot of digging, I found his Instagram, his alias, and the movie that he directed and has out on Netflix. 

He has told me nothing about this movie.  He told me he likes to write... but now I understand that he writes screenplays, I guess. I have never seen the movie,  and I'd feel weird watching it now. I am quite intrigued though.

I really only dug so deep because I am suspicious of him.  I know we are in a pandemic,  but he has initiated no progressing in our "relationship." Just says things like "sucks we can't go to a bar" or something.  I honestly thought he could be a catfish at first (because in my opinion he is too attractive to be into someone like me). But he proved he wasn't a catfish for me (I made him prove it so I could check that suspicion off my list). So,  I don't know what his deal is.  But I feel better knowing all this stuff about him knowing he doesn't know. 

After the investigation, it seems everything he has told me about himself checks out. 

So,  right now my best guess, based on context clues, is that he lives with his dad and doesn't want me to know.  And perhaps he is balding and embarrassed about it (he always has a hat on, though, somewhat recent pictures on social media that I creeped show a head full of hair).

I'm not super worried about it right now.  I just wish I knew his intentions for all of this so I knew how to comfortably proceed.  I don't know how much to tell him, so to play it safe, I haven't said much.  Right now I'm happy with the distraction of flirtatious "pen pal." Though,  the longer this goes on,  the more I do grow to wanting to meet him.  I'm only going to let him make that call though.

Maybe nothing at all will come of any of this.  I'm actually making myself believe this will be the outcome. We'll see. 

He's very attractive and funny, and it makes me happy that he talks to me all day everyday.  That's all that matters right now. 

All that said, Lane will message me on FB eeeeevery now and then with some seemingly harmless thing that he'll think I will like. And I kinda wish he wouldn't. I think maybe he feels bad about things,  but what am I supposed to do with that? I now understand the exes I have left who deleted my number and removed me from their social medias. I don't want to be Lane's friend. Not right now at least.

I have always tried to remain friends with my exes because I can usually  compartmentalize the past feelings,  but I completely see now how that is wrong. They didn't want to keep hearing from me (although,  I would give it way more time before reaching out). 

My feelings for Lane, all the good ones, are almost gone now.  I feel mostly neutral/numb about it with just a little resentment. I don't miss him anymore.  Thanks to the distraction,  I barely think of him anymore.  I think this is good. I think it's healthy.  I am moving on.  

He asked what my kryptonite is.  And I froze up, blanked out, and cried a little.  I didn't want to tell him.  I'm not ready for anyone else to know.  I thought I was better but it just doesn't happen that quickly.  I guess I've just been masquerading like I'm fine. I believed it. 

But it was only this distraction that I chose to obsess over to keep me from thinking of anything bad.  It worked,  too! It made me smile and laugh more than anything else has lately.  

But I'm in the same place I was in 4 years ago. I'm scared.  I don't trust anything that makes me happy. I'm overanalyzing and I just know my suspicions won't be wrong. I absolutely know it. 

It shouldn't so hard to move on. 

I deserve better.

Don't I?

It has been one week since we broke up.

7 days. 

Only

7 days.

It feels like it has been a fucking eternity. I've got 3 days off work this weekend,  and I'm a little terrified.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I am desperately lonely in the times. 

I can't take this; I fucking hate this

I have been in so much pain lately.  

It was bad the first time THIS YEAR that it happened,  and I never fully recovered. But he came back and I tried to heal. I still cried some in that time, but only a little, and never to his knowledge. 

We were having our issues. By that,  I mean I was having my issues. I wasn't happy.  I wasn't sure if I was even still in love.  

But then he went a whole day without talking to me. The next day, still silence. We hadn't been fighting.  I was confused and annoyed. I wanted to be mad about it and tell him that I'm not going to accept that kind of behavior again. But instead I tried to be nice and sent him a text wishing him a good day. He replied asking when I could take a break. He was going to call, and I knew it wasn't good. 

So he fed me some cliche lines about how "it isn't fair" to me but his "heart wasn't in it anymore." I said it wasn't gonna work out anyway,  and that was that.  It was a quick phone call.  I sat in my car for a moment when it was over. Tried to go back into work like nothing happened,  but locked myself in the bathroom and cried on the floor. That happened a few times that day. It was the slowest God damn day ever.  I cried again on the drive home.  Broke down completely when I got home.  That was a couple days ago, and I haven't been able to function since. 

So, despite all the anger. Despite the high probability that we would have never lasted. Despite everything... I guess I did still love him. I guess I still do? I wasn't ready for this. 

It has destroyed my self esteem wondering when he stopped loving me,  or if he ever truly did. I think he quit loving me months ago. But I don't really want to know.  I'm too scared to know.  

The worst part is, I don't know how to process this.  I don't know any healthy coping mechanisms. The last time I was shattered like this,  I hung out with friends A LOT. I could vent to them.  They knew what was going on.  They helped me get through it, and I don't know for sure that I would have made it out alive without that support. 

But I can't do any of that this time. And it's fucking killing me.

I had a moment of extreme weakness while crying the other day and reached out to David of all people.  I felt I needed a voice of reason because I was especially lost. I didn't hear from him until the following day, and I didn't tell him what is going on.  I didn't want to burden him.  None of this has anything to do with him. I don't even know what I wanted to say to him.  I did apologize to him for how I left and told him how I finally realized how shitty that was.  But it was stupid of me to contact him and I feel pretty stupid for bothering him.  He doesn't deserve that,  and I don't deserve his advice. 

I've had uncharacteristically bad anxiety since the beginning of the year.  It spiked uncontrollably with the first break up and never got better, even when we were "working things out." Even when things were going well. I haven't been able to fall asleep on my own in months.  It's pathetic as fuck but the only time I could really fall asleep was when he was next to me.  

So I'm wide awake and sad as fuck with no end in sight.

I've rejoined dating apps just for something to put my mind to because otherwise all I can think about is how much I wanna die. I'm obviously not ready AT ALL to move on,  but since we're all in quarantine, that gives me an excuse not to meet anyone. And this is seriously the on my way I know how to move on... Sometimes it gives me a bit of a confidence boost with the all the attention.  But other times I just feel pathetic and like I'm at the bottom of the barrel for being on there. 

All I want right now is for the pain to a stop. 

He chose his mom over me again. And it hurts.

I won't be seeing him this weekend.

I'm preparing for a permanent break up. This relationship doesn't make me happy anymore. It makes me feel only bad things.

And my anxiety is getting too deep and too dark.