I can't take this; I fucking hate this

I have been in so much pain lately.  

It was bad the first time THIS YEAR that it happened,  and I never fully recovered. But he came back and I tried to heal. I still cried some in that time, but only a little, and never to his knowledge. 

We were having our issues. By that,  I mean I was having my issues. I wasn't happy.  I wasn't sure if I was even still in love.  

But then he went a whole day without talking to me. The next day, still silence. We hadn't been fighting.  I was confused and annoyed. I wanted to be mad about it and tell him that I'm not going to accept that kind of behavior again. But instead I tried to be nice and sent him a text wishing him a good day. He replied asking when I could take a break. He was going to call, and I knew it wasn't good. 

So he fed me some cliche lines about how "it isn't fair" to me but his "heart wasn't in it anymore." I said it wasn't gonna work out anyway,  and that was that.  It was a quick phone call.  I sat in my car for a moment when it was over. Tried to go back into work like nothing happened,  but locked myself in the bathroom and cried on the floor. That happened a few times that day. It was the slowest God damn day ever.  I cried again on the drive home.  Broke down completely when I got home.  That was a couple days ago, and I haven't been able to function since. 

So, despite all the anger. Despite the high probability that we would have never lasted. Despite everything... I guess I did still love him. I guess I still do? I wasn't ready for this. 

It has destroyed my self esteem wondering when he stopped loving me,  or if he ever truly did. I think he quit loving me months ago. But I don't really want to know.  I'm too scared to know.  

The worst part is, I don't know how to process this.  I don't know any healthy coping mechanisms. The last time I was shattered like this,  I hung out with friends A LOT. I could vent to them.  They knew what was going on.  They helped me get through it, and I don't know for sure that I would have made it out alive without that support. 

But I can't do any of that this time. And it's fucking killing me.

I had a moment of extreme weakness while crying the other day and reached out to David of all people.  I felt I needed a voice of reason because I was especially lost. I didn't hear from him until the following day, and I didn't tell him what is going on.  I didn't want to burden him.  None of this has anything to do with him. I don't even know what I wanted to say to him.  I did apologize to him for how I left and told him how I finally realized how shitty that was.  But it was stupid of me to contact him and I feel pretty stupid for bothering him.  He doesn't deserve that,  and I don't deserve his advice. 

I've had uncharacteristically bad anxiety since the beginning of the year.  It spiked uncontrollably with the first break up and never got better, even when we were "working things out." Even when things were going well. I haven't been able to fall asleep on my own in months.  It's pathetic as fuck but the only time I could really fall asleep was when he was next to me.  

So I'm wide awake and sad as fuck with no end in sight.

I've rejoined dating apps just for something to put my mind to because otherwise all I can think about is how much I wanna die. I'm obviously not ready AT ALL to move on,  but since we're all in quarantine, that gives me an excuse not to meet anyone. And this is seriously the on my way I know how to move on... Sometimes it gives me a bit of a confidence boost with the all the attention.  But other times I just feel pathetic and like I'm at the bottom of the barrel for being on there. 

All I want right now is for the pain to a stop. 

He chose his mom over me again. And it hurts.

I won't be seeing him this weekend.

I'm preparing for a permanent break up. This relationship doesn't make me happy anymore. It makes me feel only bad things.

And my anxiety is getting too deep and too dark.

Back on High

Oh, so an updated from that last post...

Shit got bad.

We broke up. I cried for days. I didn't eat or sleep. I lost a bunch of weight.

He had quit his high-paying job on the spot. Didn't tell me. Called his mommy and immediately went to Alabama. He found a job down there and he lives there now.

I was very bitter.

I am still bitter.

I'm sure I will never not be bitter about how everything went down. I still think it's extremely shitty to do all of that behind my back.

However, we have talked about things and we are back together. Just long distance now. Something I said I would never do. I don't think he understands how much I've compromised when I was originally unwilling to compromise.

He still has everything he wants: lives with his mommy, has a job he claims to love (it won't last long), and still has his girlfriend.

And while I have been looking for another job (got offered a better one recently but it was a bit too far of a job, so I declined... not sure if it was the right choice), I am playing it safe.

Lane is getting upset that I won't take the first job I'm offered that gives me weekends off. It would be nice to have weekends to hang out with him because he drives up here {almost} every weekend. But I'm mad that he is expecting me to make all these changes to benefit the relationship when he is the one who dismantled it.

I do want to make decisions for the betterment of us; however, I'm not going to take the first opportunity I'm offered. I'm holding out for something that will feel way better.

And in the current state of things, what with a worldwide pandemic and all, I don't think any real change is going to come soon. Not any good change anyway...

I feel our relationship is stronger after all of this though. I'm still madly in love with him I guess. I'm irresistibly attracted to him still, so our sex life has significantly improved only seeing other on weekends... Gotta get while you can, ya know?

My job sorta asked me to voluntarily use vacation days next week to not come to work because there is no work to do. Pretty sure that's illegal, but I volunteered it only for 1 week. I'm not willing to use more vacation days than that (especially if I end up having to stay home to quarantine myself for 14 days). I told them to put me on the schedule at least one day next week so I can get out of the house. I'm thinking of using that time as an opportunity to paint my house since I have been wanting to paint for a long time.

I'd sorta like to go more into detail about all of these things but I wanted to get this all down quickly. I don't have internet at my house (Lane paid for it and I am too poor to afford it), so I'm jotting down the highlights of the last month while I'm borrowing internet at dad's house.

Lane has temporarily left me. I guess we were having some issues, so he went to his mom's for a few days.

I've been absolutely riddled with anxiety. Already have quit eating and sleeping. 

We have not communicated with each other since he left. I am having mixed emotions over this. I'm distraught and pissed off at the same time.

I refuse to be the first to reach out. He is the one who left with no explanation. 

I don't know where we go from here. Of course, the hardest part, as always, is not knowing. Not knowing how he is feeling. Not knowing what conclusion he will come to. I'm scrambling to come to a conclusion myself. 

I'm my opinion, our problems are fairly minor (at least the thing that set this whole episode off). At least... Presently, they are. I often question our future though.

But I don't want to feel like this in a relationship. It's not healthy. Even if we were to overcome this, it will forever leave a stain. On the one hand, I could accept making up and rebuilding. Continue our lives together. On the other hand, I just feel like the same problems will persist until there is irreparable resentment. 

If I'm being honest, my mind keeps leaning toward ending things. This probably won't be the last time this will happen, and I just can't be with someone who is going to run away to mommy every time things get hard. My heart pulls in this direction but is also terrified of it. Something in me doesn't want it to end. Not yet. 

I'm confused and angry about being confused. 

My doubts weigh so, so heavy on my heart.