He chose his mom over me again. And it hurts.

I won't be seeing him this weekend.

I'm preparing for a permanent break up. This relationship doesn't make me happy anymore. It makes me feel only bad things.

And my anxiety is getting too deep and too dark.

Back on High

Oh, so an updated from that last post...

Shit got bad.

We broke up. I cried for days. I didn't eat or sleep. I lost a bunch of weight.

He had quit his high-paying job on the spot. Didn't tell me. Called his mommy and immediately went to Alabama. He found a job down there and he lives there now.

I was very bitter.

I am still bitter.

I'm sure I will never not be bitter about how everything went down. I still think it's extremely shitty to do all of that behind my back.

However, we have talked about things and we are back together. Just long distance now. Something I said I would never do. I don't think he understands how much I've compromised when I was originally unwilling to compromise.

He still has everything he wants: lives with his mommy, has a job he claims to love (it won't last long), and still has his girlfriend.

And while I have been looking for another job (got offered a better one recently but it was a bit too far of a job, so I declined... not sure if it was the right choice), I am playing it safe.

Lane is getting upset that I won't take the first job I'm offered that gives me weekends off. It would be nice to have weekends to hang out with him because he drives up here {almost} every weekend. But I'm mad that he is expecting me to make all these changes to benefit the relationship when he is the one who dismantled it.

I do want to make decisions for the betterment of us; however, I'm not going to take the first opportunity I'm offered. I'm holding out for something that will feel way better.

And in the current state of things, what with a worldwide pandemic and all, I don't think any real change is going to come soon. Not any good change anyway...

I feel our relationship is stronger after all of this though. I'm still madly in love with him I guess. I'm irresistibly attracted to him still, so our sex life has significantly improved only seeing other on weekends... Gotta get while you can, ya know?

My job sorta asked me to voluntarily use vacation days next week to not come to work because there is no work to do. Pretty sure that's illegal, but I volunteered it only for 1 week. I'm not willing to use more vacation days than that (especially if I end up having to stay home to quarantine myself for 14 days). I told them to put me on the schedule at least one day next week so I can get out of the house. I'm thinking of using that time as an opportunity to paint my house since I have been wanting to paint for a long time.

I'd sorta like to go more into detail about all of these things but I wanted to get this all down quickly. I don't have internet at my house (Lane paid for it and I am too poor to afford it), so I'm jotting down the highlights of the last month while I'm borrowing internet at dad's house.

Lane has temporarily left me. I guess we were having some issues, so he went to his mom's for a few days.

I've been absolutely riddled with anxiety. Already have quit eating and sleeping. 

We have not communicated with each other since he left. I am having mixed emotions over this. I'm distraught and pissed off at the same time.

I refuse to be the first to reach out. He is the one who left with no explanation. 

I don't know where we go from here. Of course, the hardest part, as always, is not knowing. Not knowing how he is feeling. Not knowing what conclusion he will come to. I'm scrambling to come to a conclusion myself. 

I'm my opinion, our problems are fairly minor (at least the thing that set this whole episode off). At least... Presently, they are. I often question our future though.

But I don't want to feel like this in a relationship. It's not healthy. Even if we were to overcome this, it will forever leave a stain. On the one hand, I could accept making up and rebuilding. Continue our lives together. On the other hand, I just feel like the same problems will persist until there is irreparable resentment. 

If I'm being honest, my mind keeps leaning toward ending things. This probably won't be the last time this will happen, and I just can't be with someone who is going to run away to mommy every time things get hard. My heart pulls in this direction but is also terrified of it. Something in me doesn't want it to end. Not yet. 

I'm confused and angry about being confused. 

My doubts weigh so, so heavy on my heart.

Prolonging the Inevitable

Yo, it's the first day of 2020.

I'm on my way to pick up Lane from the airport after spending New Year's Eve with his mom? You think they kissed? I bet his mom tried to.

Their relationship is uncomfortably creepy.

And I predict by the end of 2020, if things don't change (hard to imagine they will since it's a familial relationship), that my own "romantic" relationship will have ceased.

I love him, which is why I'm still here. It's why I struggle. I go back forth with my feelings. I still want to try with him, but I won't keep doing things this way forever. He's the only person who I have ever met with this issue. It's something different with every new person, isn't it?

I feel like our future right now is a black hole. I can't see it one way or the other. I also feel like the clock has already begun counting down to the deadline.