I sense a talk is coming. A talk I'm not prepared for. 

I've been distant, less affectionate, and downright mean sometimes. 

I don't know if it's something I can fix or undo. I don't know when it started, but I may know the exact turning point that caused it to accelerate. 

I think the day he solidified out-of-town plans with his mom for a non-family holiday is the day I realized this will never last if things don't change. I was disappointed that he chose not to spend it with me. I was disappointed that he chose his mom over me yet again. Because I'm selfish. But it's always all about her. I can't understand nor sympathize.

I also would much prefer to be with someone who is an independent adult. And I just don't see him as anything but an extension of mommy and daddy...

I know I am, most likely, the real problem here. I know I am irrational. I've tried to tell myself this, but I can't seem to compromise. Compromise feels like settling. 

So, when the time comes, I won't know what to say; I only know how I feel, and I don't know how to put that into words. 

I had a long talk with, let's say, an old friend, who tried to convince me that I was being complacent. I just accept the things I have problems with and do nothing about it. 

But that's just life, isn't it? 

Not a single person goes to bed shrouded in complete and total peace every single night. 

If I fight every single thing I have a problem with, I'd do nothing BUT fight. I don't have that kind of energy.

But I also know that, while I can accept something for an extremely long time, I can't go on that way forever.

So here we are. Unable to sleep because I feel high strung. High blood pressure. Unable to calm down.

Sleep is the only way out.

I'm always working. And when I'm not, I'm doing. I clean my house and run errands and make phone calls on my days off. I always feel like I have to be productive. I never want to be seen as "lazy." I detest "lazy," and consider it, perhaps, the biggest insult for me personally.

I used to fantasize about getting sick just so I would have an excuse to lie on the couch all day. Just to give me a reason to rest. 

But then that just happened. And let my tell you, I was fucking SICK. Fever, chills, headaches, vomiting on an empty stomach and causing a stomach ulcer. I didn't eat a single morsel of food for 3 days. I was in constant pain, nausea, and discomfort. It was not relaxing whatsoever. 

That was almost two weeks ago. And because of that, my house has been a disgusting mess ever since. I've worked nearly every day since recovering, and the days I wasn't at work I spent taking the dogs to be vetted, helping patch a fence, and walking a lady's dogs for some extra money (it's a sidegig I do on my days off because I just can't sit still).

So I'm off work tomorrow, and I get to spend the whole day (that's how long it's going to take) cleaning the house. And when I'm done, I'll likely work on one of my side jobs because I have no friends, no life, and no purpose.

He asked if I missed him "yet." And I don't think I did this time. He's gone so often and I know it would be a longer time than usual this time, so I kept myself busy and tried to create a normal environment without him.  And it was fine. My mind was too occupied to miss anything. 

But between the intentional distractions, I have had a lot of time to think. And when you leave me alone to my own mind, when you're not occupying it, it thinks out of your favor. 

"From homeless to homeowner"

But I still feel like a failure sometimes.

Well, most the time actually. 

I just don't feel like I'm living up to my potential.

I'm itching for change. As I do every couple years. I guess I find myself unhappy with the status quo more often than I would have predicted.

More and more, I can't stand to be alone with my thoughts. I'm always drinking or taking Benadryl to make me fall sleep because I can't always do it naturally.

I think I place too many of my emotions on my relationship. And that's really had me in a bad place lately.

I've done this relationship before. He's out of town every other week... Except not just for the weekend. Days at a time. I can't even make plans with him for future events because I can't count on him to be around and available when the time comes. And, if I'm being honest (and I've been drinking, so....), it's erasing our future together. In my mind anyway. 

I'm all or nothing. And I mean ALL.

I've realized I'm probably actually toxic. Seriously. And it makes me feel like shit. So, again, I substitute with substance to avoid my own damn self. 

And because I don't have my live-in partner here, like, ever anymore, I entertain the fan club.

Shrug shrug 

shrug