Trying to go to sleep but I'm having very distracting palpitations. I feel constricted and dizzy... I was feeling this way earlier at work today. And I've been feeling this way often, almost daily, and usually at work.

I'm breaking down, and it's this god damn job doing it to me. I used to love my job, but it's not feeling worth it to go down with the ship. And it feels like the ship is certainly sinking. I told them if any more people leave and I have to pick up anymore slack than has already been put on me, then I'm out.

I'm having trouble coping and de-stressing.

Can't afford peace of mind

I've been bitchy lately. I don't realize it when I'm doing it, but I'm retrospect, it's pretty mean and uncalled for.

I know it's from the stress. I'm constantly stressed and I haven't found an outlet or a way to cope. I'm taking it out on everyone around me, and they don't deserve it.

It's even slipping out at work, the one place where I NEVER lose my composure.

I just don't know how to handle this.

I've got a bunch of ongoing problems all stacked up. The latest is that I am once again carless. My car needs a new radiator. It's always something with that thing and I've only had it for 6 months. At least Caleb is fixing it for me for free.

Which is immensely helpful considering my money problems are the biggest factor of my stress. I get paid well, but I am truly broke. I have so many bills and debts, that I have no money left after I pay them every month.

That comes with a slew of stresses of not being able to afford gas or food or necessary treatments for my pets or myself.

My animals have somehow gotten fleas despite all having expensive flea collars, and in order to get rid of them, I need to treat the animals, the house, and the yard... All of which requires a large sum of extra money that I can't come up with.

I live in a house that I am grateful to own, but it's constantly dirty and I have next to no help with it despite having other people living in it.

I am one person with a full time job who works 10-12 hour shifts (and being broke with not much to show for it)... I just don't have the energy to clean all the time.

It's like having kids. I feel like I live in a house with a bunch of kids who I clean up after who don't help and don't care.

I've been miserably dealing with this car accident stuff. It took forever to get all my medical records now that my 6 months of treatment are over. And I've got debt collectors calling me over all the medical bills I couldn't keep up with.

I'm just getting by one day at a time... And barely at that.

Loud

I can't sleep because I'm having ~anxiety~ and it's stressing me out. I'm not someone who claims to suffer from anxiety like most everyone else on the planet (well, the internet). I don't have social anxiety or public panic attacks (and, honestly, neither do they). I get crowd anxiety, but drinking helps soothe that. Mostly, I get can't-sleep-anxiety. Just wide awake, heart racing, and what feels like high blood pressure. I have to be up for work in 4 hours and that stresses me out more, which makes the palpations even worse.

I've been grumpy lately, and I can't really figure out why. Today, for instance, I was alone all day (and productive!). Not really bothered by much. But then Lane and Caleb got home and between the two of them, it's just constant noise. Both talking nonstop and mostly trying to engage me. I think it's my old introvertedness coming through. The constant talking just raised my blood pressure. It started 6 hours ago, and I haven't been able to come down ever since. I've been lying in bed for awhile, too.

Maybe, even though I'm in a quiet, dark room with Lane quietly asleep beside me, it's because the bugs outside are especially loud tonight. So it's really not all that quiet.

I don't know. I've still got a lot on my plate and that's constant underlying stress that sometimes surfaces, I guess.

Writing this down didn't make me as sleepy as I was hoping it would.

I've been awake for a couple hours, so I've lost a lot of the details, but here's the dream I woke up from this morning:

I was in a house that I owned and lived in with my family. A bigger house than the one I currently live in. Sam and his girlfriend and, of course, his mom and dad (along with a male colleaque?) all walked up to the house with a dog they were walking. I don't remember why they approached or why they stayed, but they lived up the street in this nice neighborhood. It was nighttime throughout this whole dream.

At one point we were in a room all lying down, like in sleeping bags in different areas of the room but in close quarters. It was Sam, his girlfriend, my brother, and I all in different spots. Brother was asleep, girlfriend was reading something out loud from her phone and Sam moved over towards me to... Cuddle? I guess. My only thought was "why? His girlfriend is right here!" (It reminded me of that time we were all out and he sneaked away to meet me at the bar to kiss me when I assumed he was WITH the girl we were hanging it with; it really fucked me up). So I was uncomfortable in the dream, and I left to another room. It was my room, and it was dark, only dimly lit (maybe by candlelight?). I believe I woke up here.

I know I dream every night. We all do. But I normally don't remember my dreams when I wake up. I wish I didn't remember the ones like this because what was the point of all that? Bringing back all these memories first thing in the morning. 😖

I had a dream last night that I was hanging out with Michael's ghost. I could see him and communicate with him but no else could. He was in his old work clothes: cargo pants and black button-up short sleeve work shirt. At one point we were at McKay's and he filled out a question card on how he heard about the place and wrote that his friend Sebastian had gone there a year prior or something. I don't remember much more than that.