Loud

I can't sleep because I'm having ~anxiety~ and it's stressing me out. I'm not someone who claims to suffer from anxiety like most everyone else on the planet (well, the internet). I don't have social anxiety or public panic attacks (and, honestly, neither do they). I get crowd anxiety, but drinking helps soothe that. Mostly, I get can't-sleep-anxiety. Just wide awake, heart racing, and what feels like high blood pressure. I have to be up for work in 4 hours and that stresses me out more, which makes the palpations even worse.

I've been grumpy lately, and I can't really figure out why. Today, for instance, I was alone all day (and productive!). Not really bothered by much. But then Lane and Caleb got home and between the two of them, it's just constant noise. Both talking nonstop and mostly trying to engage me. I think it's my old introvertedness coming through. The constant talking just raised my blood pressure. It started 6 hours ago, and I haven't been able to come down ever since. I've been lying in bed for awhile, too.

Maybe, even though I'm in a quiet, dark room with Lane quietly asleep beside me, it's because the bugs outside are especially loud tonight. So it's really not all that quiet.

I don't know. I've still got a lot on my plate and that's constant underlying stress that sometimes surfaces, I guess.

Writing this down didn't make me as sleepy as I was hoping it would.

I've been awake for a couple hours, so I've lost a lot of the details, but here's the dream I woke up from this morning:

I was in a house that I owned and lived in with my family. A bigger house than the one I currently live in. Sam and his girlfriend and, of course, his mom and dad (along with a male colleaque?) all walked up to the house with a dog they were walking. I don't remember why they approached or why they stayed, but they lived up the street in this nice neighborhood. It was nighttime throughout this whole dream.

At one point we were in a room all lying down, like in sleeping bags in different areas of the room but in close quarters. It was Sam, his girlfriend, my brother, and I all in different spots. Brother was asleep, girlfriend was reading something out loud from her phone and Sam moved over towards me to... Cuddle? I guess. My only thought was "why? His girlfriend is right here!" (It reminded me of that time we were all out and he sneaked away to meet me at the bar to kiss me when I assumed he was WITH the girl we were hanging it with; it really fucked me up). So I was uncomfortable in the dream, and I left to another room. It was my room, and it was dark, only dimly lit (maybe by candlelight?). I believe I woke up here.

I know I dream every night. We all do. But I normally don't remember my dreams when I wake up. I wish I didn't remember the ones like this because what was the point of all that? Bringing back all these memories first thing in the morning. 😖

I had a dream last night that I was hanging out with Michael's ghost. I could see him and communicate with him but no else could. He was in his old work clothes: cargo pants and black button-up short sleeve work shirt. At one point we were at McKay's and he filled out a question card on how he heard about the place and wrote that his friend Sebastian had gone there a year prior or something. I don't remember much more than that.

Choose me first

He chooses me first.

Every single time.

Is this normal? I'm not used to it, and I don't know how to respond to it. I've literally never experienced this before in any other relationship I've ever been in.

He always chooses me.

I'm a typical girl who does the, "do what you want" thing and secretly gets upset when what you want isn't what I wanted. It's shitty, I know.

However, even in situations where I don't present this ultimatum, when I expect him to choose otherwise and wouldn't even be mad about it, he still chooses me.

His college graduation all his friends showed up. We were all at the bowling alley. Since all his friends were there and had expected to all hang out after, I was going to go home and wait for him after he celebrated with his friends. But he came home with me instead.

Last night he was in Murfreesboro and told me earlier in the day he was going to hang out with his cousin. But he decided not to and came home to me instead.

I didn't tell him not to. I said "okay" when he told me and accepted that he would be home late.

When I tell him he doesn't have to choose me over his friends, his response is always, "I'm domesticated."

He lives with me now, and I couldn't be more excited about it. I've never been excited about living with any other SO.

And domesticated we are.  I've honestly considered marriage, which is something I've never cared about nor wanted. I don't remember a time I was still this excited about someone this far into the relationship. It's only been 9 months, and I know I sound like an infatuated schoolgirl, but, hell, I feel like one too. 🤷

I could talk about other things besides Lane. I could talk about how I'm doing physical therapy for my hand and how that's almost over. I really hope I get a big settlement from all this because ya gurl could reeeeeally use it. I could talk about how badass it is to be a homeowner. I could talk about how I'm finally getting tired of my job and have not-yet-seriously looking for new ones just to see what's out there.

But that all bores me. My relationship makes me happy and surprises me pretty regularly, so I'm going to keep talking about that.

Affect / Effect

I talked to David today. He is moving out of state and gave me some belongings of mine that I had accidentally left behind.

He told me how I inadvertently and indirectly helped him come to some realizations and, to some degree, saved his life.

Some words that I had said to him (something along the lines of "you're over competitive") repeated in his head and made him come to terms with who he is. Allowing him to shed his passive shell and just start speaking his mind. I think he implied that the complacency he was living in had the potential to drive him over the edge... Maybe? Thus, saving him from reaching that point.

He also wanted to share with me the things that he feels are my flaws. And I agree with his points. Those being:

1). I'm too agreeable and need to speak up for my self

2). He thinks I subconsciously want to be a mother due to my nurturing nature despite the disdain I have expressed toward children. He gestured at my house full of animals as his exhibit A. He afraid I'm going to realize it too late and have regrets. I get we'll just have to see about that one.

3). I come off as a man-hater. And he's not wrong. We both know I don't hate the men in my life. But I explained to him that I dislike the idea of men. The stereotypical man. And he gets where I'm coming from but feels no one should blatantly perceive the other side as outright bad but should instead point out where they can improve. I think... That's not how he worded it but I believe that's sort of the point he was making.

I hate the overall theme of the experiences I've had with men though.

So, there's that. I'm glad he got to get all that off his chest. It was nice to talk about things and perhaps get some closure we both needed? I'm not sure I really talked about closure, but it was nice to know we can still get along.