I am incredibly stressed and on the verge of a mental breakdown. I am am stranded with no vehicle and no one to help me.

I already HATE asking for help as it is. Lane is out of town. My mom lives 2 hours away. And Caleb has been staying with me but hates helping and doesn't want to and has made it very clear.

They are pressuring me to get a rental car tomorrow with my own money because I'm a helpless, stranded, and dependent piece of shit. And the insurance companies aren't doing anything (they are supposed to supply the rental). I have to go back to work because they pressured me for availability.

I'm tired of being handicapped and having to do everything with one hand. Life is significantly harder with one hand.

I hate everything right now.

Crash

I was involved in a car accident a few days ago. The other party involved was a 16-year-old driver, and it was their fault.

My car is all smashed in and totaled. My hand is fractured. But everyone is at least alive and in one piece. I have never been in a wreck before, and this was a bad one. I mean, airbags deployed, we had to go to the ER, the works... I have no car and have been out of work and I'm overwhelmed with dealing with the police, insurance companies, and medical needs. Honestly, this whole situation has made me majorly depressed.

Lane has been my rock through all of it though. He was driving my car (with me in the passenger seat) when it happened. He has been making most the one calls, dealing with the business, taking care of me, and keeping me grounded.

But he left this morning to go to his dad's in Arkansas. And now that I don't have to pretend to keep it together, I'm not doing well tonight.

Not Close

People that are *too* close to their family are so strange to me.

I love my parents and I see them and talk to them on occasion. But only on occasion. I'd like to think I am my own person without them.

I just get annoyed when people around me can't do the same? I never express this to them because it's my problem, I guess. But it reminds me of the scene in Wristcutters where Eugene is on the phone with his mom and Mikal is remarking on strange it is that he talks to her "every day?" And Zia says it's just "a Russian thing, I guess."

Well, that is Lane to a tee. I'm glad he has a good relationship with his parents but he talks to his mom and sisters on the phone every. single. day. And every conversation lasts at least an hour. How do they have so much to talk about every 24 hours?

He talks to his dad at least every week, which makes more sense. But sometimes he talks to his mom and/or sisters more than once in a single day. I really don't get it. It's often when he is with me abd I'm waiting around for an hour for his phone call to end.

It's not just him though. Other times I thought it was weird was when a guy I was interested in *always* had his parents over. They stayed with him like every weekend...

And a former roommate let his family dictate too much of his decisions in fear of how they would react to things.

I guess I ponder this type of family relationship because it is just so baffling to me.

I guess I'm just not that close with mine, and, honestly, I like it that way.

EDIT: He was on the phone with them when I posted this. 2 hours later (right now). He is on the phone with them AGAIN

I have rage issues that I hope no one ever finds out about. I wish I could figure out how to control it. I think it spikes when I'm stressed... But lately I feel like I've been having lot more episodes than usual.

I guess I have some things to be stressed about.

I feel bad because I take it out on the animals when they misbehave. I'm not beating them or anything but I do scare them... And I feel bad about it immediately.

And it stresses me out more.

I've been thinking more and more about therapy. But who can afford that, right?

Life is weird.

I want to talk about Lane because of course I do.

This boy is something else. He does so much for me. He warms up my car when it's cold outside when I didn't even ask him to. He fixes things around my house and assembles the furniture I buy. "Man shit" as he calls it.

I had been complaining about work lately and a specific back pain. He showed up to my house with chapstick (just because I like it) and massage oil. Gave me a massage. But this is how much thought, consideration, and planning he put into this: he didn't know how to give a massage so he looked it up beforehand. It was cute. He did well.

As long as he always continues to be considerate and put in effort like he does, I want him with me forever.

I hate being so engrossed in him that I don't know what to do with myself whenever I'm alone. I'm off work this weekend. We have plans to spend the weekend together. He was free all day. I've been home for 2 hours and have heard nothing from him.

I'm worried something happened because it's raining outside. Like, I hope he is okay? But I also feel like he's just caught up in some distraction because that is a very likely scenario.

I'm tired of waiting, so I'm going to bed.