There are typos in my last post because I was falling asleep while writing it. Oh well.

Just wanted to say that I am happy.

I don't think our own happiness gets acknowledged as often as it should.

I have my own house with a fenced-in backyard. All mine! I have my dog and two kitties (about to have Luca back and possibly a third cat...). So... House full of animals is the definition of happiness for me.

I've got a stable job that pays me decently that I genuinely enjoy. Though I dread waking up at 5:00am... And not being able to come home until nearly 7pm. And I haven't had a raise since summer 2017... But it could be worse.

I've got a boy who treats me right finally. He checks in every few weeks and asks if I'm happy and if everything is going okay with us. He seems to care. He really tries. He does a lot for me. Yesterday morning he started my car for me to warm it up without me asking (being the "strong independent" woman that I am, I would never ask). I love that. He's considerate and thoughtful. He honestly makes me a little insecure in the relationship because I wonder if I'm pulling my weight. I'm so used to the person I'm dating putting in so little effort and me retaliating by reciprocating... I'm trying to get used to actually trying again. You have no idea how into this boy I am. I want it to last forever. I have PLANS for it to last forever. I have never been with anyone else who I felt was so indisposable.

My finances stress me out right now. My car is starting to have undiagnosed issues that stress me out right now. But I'm staying positive.

And I know that may not be interesting. But I've got to credit the good times too.

I have so many thoughts that I want to write about, but I don't.

I'm still very much in love. So very much.

We had a hiccup the other day though. One little fuck up, but I think "fuck up" is too harsh; thus, "hiccup."

He does this thing where he'll call me, but he'll have another conversation with someone else off the phone. This really gets under my skin because I don't like my time being wasted.  I let him know I was mad actually when I was mad. That is improvement for me. But the second time I talked to him on the phone, he was drunk. He had been off all day, had his younger cousin over, and they decided to drink all day. This wouldn't have been any kind of issue if we hadn't made plans for me to drive down (we live a little over an hour away from each other). And it wouldn't have been as bas as it was if I wasn't still living in the past.

I was annoyed because I didn't want to drive all the way there to be met with drunkenness.

I was freaking out in the car on the way there because it brought back memories of when Jonah did that to me. And I wish I could just forget about all that not while body went into panic mode , I guess, and I had to sit in my car in his driveway for 10 minutes when I got there to re-establish my composure. And I was dreading what I could be about to walk into.

However, when I came in, I said hi to the cousin, and I went and lay in the bed. I was exhausted, emotionally and physically. Lane actually called it a night and joined me. Gave me his undivided attention, once I was actually there, I guess. Asked me why I was mad. Apologized for "fucking up." And pointed out how the situation was very different than the Jonah one (because he knows that story).

He tries. And I do appreciate it. It wasn't his fault I got so bent of shape. But I need to figure out how to erase that past.

Tight chest
Pain in my side
Nausea
Holding back tears

Is that PTSD? Because that just happened. At a memory that was brought forth over an event that is currently conspiring. Similarities to a past event with Jonah got me all fucked up.

I am a forest burned in all directions

I saw someone's news, and I went to remove them from my life. Because it made me feel sad. But then I saw their face and decided to let them stay a little bit longer... because it made me feel bad. But probably not for long. I am very good at moving on as has clearly been determined. I am, however, not so good at letting go. Sometimes I wonder if therapy would help.

In more relevant news:

Experiencing some minor setbacks in this home buying process. It's still moving forward for now though.

Experiencing a still-lovely time with the boy. He came over for the weekend. Called on the way and said we needed to go out because he was dressed nice. So I dressed nice as well and we went to the Frist to see some art... we thought the current exhibit would be sorta boring, but we found that we enjoyed it. I think we just enjoy anything we do together. Afterward, we went to the chocolate-shop-by-day-/-Absinthe-bar-by-night, and that was a pretty neat experience. Would love to go back. He just really is the best. I'm happy to have someone to do things with. Actually do things. There is a time and place for sitting inside and watching movies, and we did that this weekend, too, but I want to share new experiences with someone if I'm going to share my life with them, and, so far, I have found just that. It's really all I wanted.

Here was a speedbump:

I asked him tonight (while I was writing this post actually) if he wanted to make our relationship "Facebook official." I felt confidant that this was a serious thing that could go long-term, ya know? I wanted to show him off. Wanted the world to know. He asked "is that what you want?" and I told him yes. Then he quit replying to my messages for awhile... so I checked his Facebook. Suddenly, his friends are no longer visible to me. The most recent post on his timeline disappeared--one where a girl had tagged him in a post about Bert Reynolds dying. He initiated the relationship request. I approved. I noticed immediately that the audience was not set to "public" or "friends" but to a custom list of his with only 5 people on it - me and 4 or his family members.

So the conversation goes as follows:
him: Would you look at that. I thought you were hiding me from the world.
me: On the contrary
I want the world to know
But it appears you only want close family to know.

I have to call him out. I don't play games. I don't want to be suspicious... I just want honesty.

He called me and we worked it out. He had it set that way for previous endeavors... I can't blame him because mine was set to private, so I suppose we are on the same page. I hate how that made me feel. I'm in too deep.

He truly is amazing, and I hope I never have to eat those words.

House

Hey, life.

I bought a house.

That's what I've been working on. So, now this ball is really in motion. If all goes smoothly, I will be living in my very own house that I own and bought all by myself by the end of next month.

I have told very few people. I don't even know why I'm saying it here. But it was a goal of mine, so that's done.

I still feel like I'm not doing much with my life.