Hey, life.
I bought a house.
That's what I've been working on. So, now this ball is really in motion. If all goes smoothly, I will be living in my very own house that I own and bought all by myself by the end of next month.
I have told very few people. I don't even know why I'm saying it here. But it was a goal of mine, so that's done.
I still feel like I'm not doing much with my life.
He actually asked me today, like a monthly review or something, if I felt things were still going well and that he was still putting in proper effort. He apologized for being distracted lately and told me he didn't want me to think he was any less interested.
That alone--The self awareness and know-how to check-in--that alone is more than enough. That is more than most do or have ever done.
I hover on the fence of being petty and understanding. I want to treat you how you treat me. If I don't hear from you for a day... I want to make sure you don't hear from me for a day. That's my first reaction. I have to make it a point and to really make a conscious effort to be more understanding and decide to flip it to the Golden rule: treat you how I would want to be treated. So on those days, I just try to send a genuine "hope you're having a good day" vibe and go on my merry way until further notice.
So, he has been distracted. He's delving into all these new hobbies on top of trying to get through school. I understand that. I put his schooling above all else. I don't need the attention as much he needs to focus on his education. I'm just keeping myself busy and making myself available whenever I need to be.
I'm just a little blown away that he noticed the shift in communication. The very subtle declination... I notice these things, but I chalk them up to getting comfortable, which is always too soon for my liking. Hence, his checking in, despite me giving no intentional indication of dissatisfaction.
He is extremely observant; I give him that.
I do have my doubts... Not really about him directly. It's just my constant fear. It's always in the back of my head that anything nice he does could just be a manipulation tactic. I'm so genuinely scared (because I do genuinely want his feelings to be real) and know deep down (except when it floats to the surface as it has been doing a lot lately) that he could feel nothing and this is all some sort of game to him. He could be emotionally incapable; I really don't know yet.
The last time I felt this sort of dedication to someone, I was sorely mistaken. Very, very sorely. I'm just feeling parallels in this relationship to that one. It's moving fast, and I'm hyper-aware of that. He has some of the same mannerisms, and that freaks me out. It flashes back terrible memories when he's just trying to be playful, and I don't want to ever tell him that.
Why can't I just forget all of that ever happened? I thought I had moved on pretty well by this point...
I reciprocate your effort... If you're attentive, I am attentive... If you're absent, I am absent.
I'm petty. My only consolation to disappointment is retribution... revenge; it makes me feel better.
I will likely not put in more effort than you, at least in the beginning, due to my constant fear of all of this being fake and insincere. Thus, I'm conserving energy so that it is not wasted.
I used to put in all the effort I wanted to. There was a time I said "I love you" first. There is a past where The Fear was not present. But it looms. Always.
And we all know what series of events caused this. And I'm bitter that I'm so fucked up over it. I think about this all the time... It comes to the surface especially when I start seeing someone new.
I don't think I want closure. Perhaps need but do not want. I've always just wanted revenge. But I'd mostly like to forget so I can move on from The Fear.
On the other hand, I feel like the causiousness protects me... I've only been hurt once since then and that was because I was stupid and exposed weakness. I only say "I miss you" if you say it first now. No matter how badly I truly miss you. I keep it to myself. I only return what is given to me first...
Fool me once.
I haven't told many friends about it because they're not supportive. They haven't met the guy and some don't even know I'm seeing someone new. They are just generally unsupportive of me getting into a new relationship. I've told my parents and some co-workers and a couple friends. No idea of their opinions, but at least it's not outwardly condescending like certain friends have been.
I may be stupid, but I'm pretty sure I'm not THAT stupid. I know I've been jumping from guy to guy lately. I know how that looks and I hate it. It looks desperate. It looks like I need someone to make me happy (or maybe I just like being unhappy since that's all these dudes do for me). I know. And because of that, I'm keeping this one somewhat a secret for awhile.
And it sucks because this is the one I want to tell the world about. I want to show this one off. When we went out the other night, he dressed up. It's what he does. He was dressed so nicely, so "dashing" as I told him, that he said he was going to make everyone else feel underdressed. He started to seen self conscious about it once we got there, and I told him I wanted everyone to know I was with him. I hung on his arm all night. Because I genuinely felt that way.
And it's not me!
I'm a strong, independent woman, damnit!
But, again, here I am. Absorbed into this one person. My friends are too busy with their own lives and relationships now, so I've been busy with my own.
I keep thinking of how things are constantly changing, especially now that I've been hanging around the street I lived on in college (where the boy lives). Not a single person stayed where they were. Everyone branched off, and, I assume, is happy. It's nice to reminisce, but it's better to grow. That's what I'm trying to do.
I am captivated. I am enamored. I am obsessed.
I think about him 24/7... And at least half of that time is spent either with him or on the phone with him.
I know it's new and exciting. I know it's the honeymoon phase, which I keep reminding him about.
I always make it a point these days to intentionally look for red flags in the very beginning. To look through those rose-colored glasses with as much scrutiny as possible. To *try* to find things wrong.
I just can't.
I've never, in my past or in my entire life, felt someone was perfect. But he's damn near close.
And I feel weird about it all. I feel weird for feeling this way. It makes me uncomfortable... I'm so disgustingly terrified of being wrong. I don't want to become immersed and then spit back out. I'm scared of feeling stupid. I just don't think I can go through all that again and come out the other side a decent, stable person again...
So I've, of course, remained guarded. Just a little.
I want to let it out, but I just can't. Mentally and physically, I am blocked. I know too well not show weakness.
All that said, he seems to feel the same. And I don't mean by his words. Because if course he has told me how he feels... He has told me in a lot of words and a lot of lovely ways. That means the absolute least to me.
It's in the way he treats me...
...And the way he looks at me.
I know he wants to say the "L" word. He wants to say it so badly but hasn't yet. He has implied it and pointed out his implications. I'm assuming he's staying reserved because he knows I'm not ready for all that.
But last night, we were out watching my cousin's band play. We were in a dark auditorium sitting in the very back. He said he "liked" the show. I looked at him and said, "I like you." And the look he gave me has been burned in my mind ever since. He replied with only the look and an "I love you" at the tip of his tongue. It didn't come out, but I knew immediately. I felt that shit. And I can't stop thinking about it.
Because every goodbye, I've had to hold it in too. And I don't understand how I could be this way unless it's something so deeply and divinely different. This goes against everything I believe as far as love and human nature goes. I refuse to say it because it just doesn't seem socially acceptable... But it feels right.
On the drive back, he brought up the unspoken words. He still didn't (and hasn't) said them, but I told him I knew exactly what he said without saying anything.
So here we are. And I sincerely hope (I don't yet believe... But it's a strong hope) that we can remain here.
