Craving more than just the same as how it was

I don't really know where to begin here... and I don't plan on going into a lot of detail...

I was unhappy with my relationship and with my life.

I moved out, finally. The relationship is over... at least to my understanding. I'm not sure if he is 100% on the same page. But I mentally clocked out a long time ago. I'm trying to move on. Mostly, I'm just trying to keep moving. If I slow down too much, I'll deteriorate mentally again. I'm just trying to rebuild.

That said, I just met someone who I'm digging... a lot.

I know...

I already know.

-Insert massive eye roll here.-

I need to slow down in *that* regard. Trust me: I. Know.

I've already tried to do too much at once to compensate for how much time I stood still. I applied for apartments. I applied for mortgages. I applied to donate my eggs.

I bailed out signing the lease for the apartment at the last minute. I got approved to be an egg donor and then they revoked it for seemingly no reason. I am still actively searching for a house to buy... I put in an offer on one already but got outbid by cash. I expected that. Now that I have a slightly better place to live, I don't feel quite as rushed to get out. So, my 5-year plan has changed to my 1-year plan. I am going to be a homeowner, HOPEFULLY, by the end of the year. It's all I want.

Well, maybe not ALL I want...

With this new person, I've certainly got everything I've been wanting... It's weird how that happened. The timing is weird, but it doesn't feel off. I just feel completely captivated (a bad sign, I know), but I'm still grounded. I still have my feet planted in reality, and I don't think it's possible to have rose-colored glasses anymore. He's not perfect in my eyes. He's just fun right now. I honestly just think I'm getting from him what I was lacking from the previous relationship: fun. It's just really pulling me out of this apathetic cloud I've been floating in.

Anyway, I'm now living 10 minutes from my job with a stranger and trying to be social to keep my mind from getting stagnant. I still have zero appetite, am not sleeping much. Oh, I've been hanging out with an ex and his current girlfriend and that seems to be going well. She seems to genuinely want to be friends and I am 100% down with that. I'm making plans to attend fun events with some of my former and current coworkers. So, like... girls! I'm connecting with girls! This is a new development in my life that I hope will last. I need more girls in life.

It's getting bad again. For me.

It will never be as bad as it was 2 years ago when almost killed myself with my car and lost a bunch of weight and didn't sleep for days.

But it's bad.

I have to remember to eat.

I have to keep myself from crying in public.

Or in front of anyone, really.

Or at least get it together before going in somewhere...

I know it's temporary but it's unbearable.

"It's late and you're heading up the stairs
And you're looking for something to wear
I've been catching up with the girl I used to love
And I just don't seem to care."

I am the elephant

I guess I never anticipated that I would feel so bad.

I'm getting the vibe that I'm unwanted.

Again. But worse this time.

I never wanted to be here in the first place, and I feel like I don't belong and like I'm not welcome.

The shit gives me anxiety... I haven't been eating or sleeping well.

Who would have thought it would have turned out this way?

Drinking alone

Something I never, ever do is drink alone. The few times I have was when I'd clean the house. It made it more fun.

But tonight I'm drinking alone. In the dark. On the couch.

Because the silence is deafening.

So, as of this week...

I'm trying to buy a house (I'm talking to a mortgage lender).

I'm trying to donate my eggs for money (I filled out an application and got approved).

I'm trying to get a couple tattoos (I have a lot of ideas and artists in mind).

I'm trying not to fall apart.