It's getting bad again. For me.

It will never be as bad as it was 2 years ago when almost killed myself with my car and lost a bunch of weight and didn't sleep for days.

But it's bad.

I have to remember to eat.

I have to keep myself from crying in public.

Or in front of anyone, really.

Or at least get it together before going in somewhere...

I know it's temporary but it's unbearable.

"It's late and you're heading up the stairs
And you're looking for something to wear
I've been catching up with the girl I used to love
And I just don't seem to care."

I am the elephant

I guess I never anticipated that I would feel so bad.

I'm getting the vibe that I'm unwanted.

Again. But worse this time.

I never wanted to be here in the first place, and I feel like I don't belong and like I'm not welcome.

The shit gives me anxiety... I haven't been eating or sleeping well.

Who would have thought it would have turned out this way?

Drinking alone

Something I never, ever do is drink alone. The few times I have was when I'd clean the house. It made it more fun.

But tonight I'm drinking alone. In the dark. On the couch.

Because the silence is deafening.

So, as of this week...

I'm trying to buy a house (I'm talking to a mortgage lender).

I'm trying to donate my eggs for money (I filled out an application and got approved).

I'm trying to get a couple tattoos (I have a lot of ideas and artists in mind).

I'm trying not to fall apart.

Love is not enough

I'm tired of the commute and I'm tired of always being broke. And I'm tired of none of that being worth it.

The relationship is dull. I'm bored with it. I'm bored with life.

I'm tired of "I love you" being the be all end all of effort. Love is not enough.

I want to DO things. I don't want to be comfortable. I don't want to be complacent. And I'm not. That loses my interest.

I'm not where I want to be.

I'm stuck.