I guess I never anticipated that I would feel so bad.
I'm getting the vibe that I'm unwanted.
Again. But worse this time.
I never wanted to be here in the first place, and I feel like I don't belong and like I'm not welcome.
The shit gives me anxiety... I haven't been eating or sleeping well.
Who would have thought it would have turned out this way?
Something I never, ever do is drink alone. The few times I have was when I'd clean the house. It made it more fun.
But tonight I'm drinking alone. In the dark. On the couch.
Because the silence is deafening.
So, as of this week...
I'm trying to buy a house (I'm talking to a mortgage lender).
I'm trying to donate my eggs for money (I filled out an application and got approved).
I'm trying to get a couple tattoos (I have a lot of ideas and artists in mind).
I'm trying not to fall apart.
I'm tired of the commute and I'm tired of always being broke. And I'm tired of none of that being worth it.
The relationship is dull. I'm bored with it. I'm bored with life.
I'm tired of "I love you" being the be all end all of effort. Love is not enough.
I want to DO things. I don't want to be comfortable. I don't want to be complacent. And I'm not. That loses my interest.
I'm not where I want to be.
I'm stuck.
My time is almost up here. Seems I've run out of reasons to stay.
And this time, I really don't feel like it's my fault. It's just the direction things moved in.
None of my friends have time for me. And I mean, like, none. Maxwell has all but ghosted me. Never texts me back. Michelle and Mecha live too far away... Nikki is too busy getting married... And Trey and Meyer are too busy with their girlfriends. And that's all the friends I've got.
Wanted to go out tonight for once but have no one to go with.
I go to a lot of concerts alone now.
I've tried making friends on friending apps... To no avail.
I'm a little sad about it all.
And, for the rare, rare first time in a long time, I am lonely.
