Sam, Sam, you know where I am

I've been thinking about you a lot and I don't know why and I wish I could stop.

I've wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for being pushy. I didn't realize what I was doing at the time, and I know that's no excuse.

I genuinely hope you're doing okay and that you're happy.

I still add songs to your playlist from time to time. And while you're the only person I revealed your playlist to, I wonder if you ever really listened to it.

You're the only person I revealed a lot of things to... And the sole reason I don't do that anymore.

You're always welcome to say hi to me though I know you never will.

Listen. Life has been worse. It has.

However, that doesn't change the fact that I'm very close to a mental breakdown.

No Reset

You know how when you're in a bad mood, you usually feel better after some sleep? Sleep is the reset button.

Well, lately I've been going to sleep in a bad mood and also waking up still in a bad mood.

And tonight I'm in a bad mood.

So, David is madly MADLY infatuated with these roommates. He is so in love with them. Every conversation we have has to mention them (on his part). I've even reached the point where I don't tell him things anymore because I don't want the roommates in on everything I tell him. I had to reroute a story I started telling him a couple weeks ago because halfway through it I realized I didn't want it to be a joke among THEM.

So that's been maybe my biggest frustration.

A small thing, he won't even put on pants when we go out in public half the time. Always in PJs.

I've had to invite him over and over to meet my Nana (who has been dying to meet him) who only lives less than 10-min up the street. But he just outright refuses.

So, today, one of the roommate's parents visit from out of town. David hears them downstairs, immediately changes into pants, and runs down to meet them.

That was not surprising in the least but a bit irritating, nonetheless.

Today, the temp was abnormally warm outside, which means the house is warm inside. Too warm, especially upstairs.

The AC doesn't work in the house and the window (among EVERYTHING else) is broken, so that shit put me in a bad mood.

And there were little things here and there that annoyed me. I was texting David at work and mentioned I was craving a specific food, and an hour later he asked what I wanted to eat. At another point, he brought something up about work and to continue the conversation, I inquired further. Then he told me he was getting frustrated. So next time he mentions shit about work, I'll be sure to kill the conversation right there.

When he got home, he eventually asked if I was in a bad mood, and I confirmed that I am. But now he's downstairs with the roommates and some house guests who are always fucking here.

I just want to move somewhere else as soon as I can. And, trust me, I have been actively searching the entire time.

Most of the time

I'm still not happy most of the time.

I don't want to complain anymore.

I just want to internalize.

"Are you getting sleepy?"
"Why?"
"Just curious."

You know I interpret this as "I am eagerly anticipating you falling asleep... And I am getting impatient."

Sometimes I pretend to sleep, so you are free to do what you really want.