10

I want to be honest, but I don't think I can.

However, if I'm being honest... And vague... I'm doubtful of my future happiness.

I'm just going to focus on keeping myself busy. I'm going to visit with friends more and pick up old hobbies. And new ones.

I'd like to seize more opportunities in the coming year. I'd like to gain more experience. I'd like to be more spontaneous... Because I'm going to need something to do; I'm going to need somewhere to go; and I'm going to need people and things to occupy my mind.

I hope I get a raise this year. I don't often worry about money anymore, but I want to be able to afford all the things I want to do.

I'm just feeling lost, I think. I feel like walls are closing in and I'm becoming trapped. I'm not in a room that I want to leave... But I'm anxious of the disappearing windows. Mentally, I'm in a place I've been before. And self-loathing is bubbling up from the floorboards. I know this will pass, but I don't know how long that will take.

I'm beating around the bush.

Bad Taste in my Mouth

I'm still alive.

I don't write much anymore. I don't know why.

I've realized I resent Aaron because he used me even though I secretly knew the whole time. I'm not surprised I stayed with him so long, but I regret it now.  I don't know why I even still think about it.

I'm dating David now. He's nice to me so far. They're all nice in time beginning though. I know he won't fuck me over because I've known him for two years... Through all the shit I've been through. And I don't want to sound like I'm just waiting for him to turn evil, but I just can't be naive enough anymore to think that anyone hung the moon.

I love him.

I am in love with him.  And, for now, I believe he loves me too. It may seem soon to tell, but the feels are there. And it's definitely not just the honeymoon phase... I know because we didn't have much of a honeymoon phase. Because we already knew each other well before we started dating, there was no exciting "getting to know you" period. And, honestly, I feel a little cheated.

I like the awkward beginning stages. I like the butterflies. But this feels like old love. Already set-in love...

That said, I am terrified. I'm not ready for the bad stuff again. I just don't have it in me to fight a hard fight. I still wake up from panic attacks from time to time. I still have nightmares. I still get anxiety that makes physically ill... And I feel weak from it all. I feel weak-minded. I'd like to think I've moved on... And I mostly have. But I'm still traumatized by this stupid bullshit that l just can't forget about. 

It's been over a year now... I've completely failed at any kind of meaningful relationship in the past year. I'd just hang around dudes who I thought was attractive enough to let them fuck me because I felt it was my only value, and then I'd tell them I didn't want to see them anymore. They've all erased my number since, and I'm just not used to that. I'm not used to getting that "close" with someone only to make them completely disappear.  But that's how it is.

I'd like to think I'm in a better place now. I'm dating someone who I think cares about me at least. I just didn't give a shit if they cared before... And I suppose it's because I didn't care about myself. My current relationship is most certainly more mental than physical though. Something else I'm not used to... So I'm trying to adjust.

I'm moving in with him in a week or so. It's awfully soon, I know. Trust me, I know; I have my reservations. And it's not really ~him~ I'm worried about. It's just the situation in general and the past experience.

I just want to be independent more than anything.

I imagine there will be more panic attacks to come.

For the Taking

For the first time in a long time I don't want to sleep
But in the back of my mind I fear defeat
I fear desolation, disillusion
But this things in motion and won't stop moving
Nothing before has felt right
But this feels good
I feel good

We'll get there

Newboi is gone. He was problematic.


Two of my closest friends just broke up with their friends within the same week of me breaking up with newboi. Something is in the air, I guess.

An old friend of mine whom I have missed dearly has come back into my life. With good timing... We're pretty close... But slowly.

And I hate to feel like these people are stepping stones, just one after the other, but it kinda just keeps happening this way. I'm not doing this on purpose.

Life is moving quickly right now.

_________

Some things break and can't be fixed.

Lately, I feel empty inside.

I need to see more doctors.