where i'm at

Pisces (2/20-3/20) // Nine of Wands // Week of Feb. 5 - Feb. 11
The Nine of Wands is telling you to keep going, Pisces. You’ve come so far on your journey, and the progress you’ve made is an achievement in itself. Don’t waver in your vision this week, even in the face of challenges. Keep pushing ahead with confidence, even when you feel tired. Release whatever is feeling heavy, and move ahead only with the things that are motivating you to succeed.

Hey world,

Life is OK.

I've taken up running and exercising everyday because I noticed I was starting to gain inches in unflattering places. That's right - I've gained about 10 lbs. It's not noticeable to anyone but me, but I'd like to go back to what I was. I'm confident I can easily get there by summer, if not well before. I know I'm not "fat" but I also know that if I don't catch it early and do anything about it, it will get worse.

I also take Bear with me on my runs. He has benefited from the exercise everyday, though he's still a spoiled toddler who rarely listens and is always bored. That's alright because I still love him the most.

I haven't heard from Aaron in a couple days. He doesn't really use social media and he rarely texts me. We have fun when we hang out in person - I went with him when he got a tattoo and he has met my mom already - but the lack of communication is honestly making me lose interest. It's the main thing that always makes me lose interest in anyone. I guess the "too good to be true" part is that I was going to get bored... If things don't change, I can't be sure I'll continue to put in the effort. I'm not looking for another friends w/ benefits outfit. I'm interested in something serious.

But, you know, being bored is better than being miserable. I justify it because it's better than what I just left. I accept it because it doesn't make me dead inside. Like I said before... we take what we can get.

We'll see.

proof read none%

I used to be a better writer. I used to be an artist. I used to have hobbies and interests that I actively persued. I used to have a different, more full personality.

I've been reading my drafts on this blog. The things I've written but felt were too private to share here, as private as this place is. I talked a lot about being waiting around for, but ultimately being rejected by someone who I thought was a change for the better. I'm not as dumb as I thought I was when I met Jonah. I knew he was dangerous. I said he was DANGEROUS! In all caps! Fuck, was I brainwashed? I found a suicide note titled "a love letter to my own devices." I don't think I was really playing with the idea of acting on it, but I was probably fantasizing about dying. I have wanted to die through several phases of my life.

I've written about a lot... and I just don't do that anymore. I feel like my mind is slipping. My memory was the first to go. Now I have dyslexic tendencies. I remember numbers backwards and I write "b's" as "p's" and I've never done that before except that I do it all the time now.

The other night I blacked out from drinking. I only had 3 drinks but blacked out after the 2nd. That's not normal. I'm not entirely sure my drink was normal, but it left me in a sick haze for 2 days and I'm definitely never doing that again.

I feel like it's too soon for this, but I'm having doubts... for no reason. Am I bored? It almost seems that nothing is happening but I'm sure I'm just being impatient.

Everything in due time... right?

Fat Mike died... it was heroin. He was stable in the hospital. I had a dream that he was dying. In the dream, doctor (or maybe his mom?) said his condition was "grim." The next day he died. Suddenly. When I found out, my whole body started shaking. An anonymous person donated $10,000, and that is absolutely incredible.

My insides don't feel right.

I can't do another 2016. I really just can't. .

...

This stream of consciousness has been suspended.

Keep your head up. Always move forward.

Life is becoming overwhelming again.

Just Another Thing I Shouldn't Be Doing

I hung out with P today. He's back in town. I told a mutual friend of ours and that friend said "I thought he was in Michigan for good." Me too. Not only is he back in town, he's in MY town. He has been wanting to hang out since he's been back. I've been making excuses not to. Today, I was doing errands and was on his side of town. I decided "why not?" and scooped him up. He joined me on my hunt for a piece of furniture that's been pretty hard to come by. My search yielded unsatisfactory results, but it was nice to have the company. I don't like shopping alone. We got food together and we mostly talked about our failed relationships over the last couple years (it has been about two years since we've seen each other). Of course, I just had the one failed relationship to speak of, but he told me of all the crazy women he's been involved with.

He told me about "camp" a.k.a. his time at the NoDAPL protests. And you know what? He didn't get handsy. He didn't try anything at all. When I dropped him off, we hugged, and that was it. No attempts for anything further were made. And that was surprising but also relieving to me. We actually had a pretty nice time just driving and chatting.

Speaking of seeing people I shouldn't... I hung out with Jack a couple weeks ago too. It was a similar situation actually. We chatted, and that's it. Granted, with Jack, we were at his work, so of course nothing else would have happened. We didn't hug goodbye at the end of the day though. We're not like that. I know, with him, if it were a different setting, I'm sure it wouldn't have been as harmless on his part. But, you know, it was nice to catch up.

I didn't want to see P due to my possibly-developing relationship with this new guy I've been seeing. I wasn't going to let anything happen between us but I didn't want anything awkward to be attempted by him. The new guy's name is Aaron. That's not even a nickname; I'm using his real name on here. I just don't feel like faking it anymore. I'm still only seeing Aaron exclusively. I feel like he's doing the same for me, but I have no way of knowing. We haven't talked about it. Things are different. They're moving very slowly, and that can only be a good thing. After what I've been through, it's probably best to go cautiously. That's what I keep telling myself anyway. He's a nice a boy; he really is. He's just really cute and his personality is cute. It's not a harsh personality like the Jonah or Max. He seems wholesome and genuine, but they all do in the beginning, and I can't get that part our of my head. They all do in the beginning. I don't know if I'll ever trust anyone again. I'm back to having the same attitude I had when I was seeing Jack: If he were to see other girls, so be it. We have no spoken agreement. I'm not going to so much as talk to other guys because I, as usual, will be loyal and want to only focus on one person. But, I feel like this one is actually a *good* one.

If these are the kinds of dreams I'm having, I don't want to sleep.

I was in the passenger side. Max was driving. Someone was in the back seat. We were driving through a neighborhood. Went to make a left turn and there was a lot of traffic on this street. Very slow-moving traffic. A car parked in the ditch made me look and I saw a person in the ditch. It was a girl I work with lying on top of her son, protecting him. I was anouncing this as i was seeing it. As traffic moved away from that scene, an ambulance came down the opposite side of the road and stopped near her. Cars were swerving to miss something in the side of the street. I saw it was a girl in the street... with a bullet hole in her chest. Then I saw more people on the ground, dead. I looked around and saw blood on the sides of houses. I kept repeating, more hysterically every time, "People got shot! Oh my god! People got shot!"