I can't believe that I have to bang my head against this wall again

I am not having a good night. And as much as I want to bitch about it, more than that, I just want to sleep to not have to deal with life right now. I've come to some important realizations lately that I'm not sure if I'm ready to share. I'm really close to giving up because I'm not sure if it's worth it. When you realize your effort isn't matched, whether in work, friendships, or relationships, how long are you supposed to continue to put in the work?

Where will you go when September comes?

Jonah and I are super broke and super struggling right now. He had the audacity to say "We need to quit going to concerts" right after explaining all the things he is going to spend his next check on. Wanna know where most of it is going? His "church." A plane ticket costs $300+ (twice a month, mind you) and he has monthly "dues" to pay that cost him $90 every month. I told Jonah I'll quit going to concerts when he quits going to "church." He gave me a silent "touche."

I'd have to go to 6 concerts every two weeks, that's 12 concerts a month, to equal the time and money he puts into church a month, and it would still cost significantly less. I don't even want to hear it.

Every month he says we'll be out of this hole by the next month. The last time he said that, a couple days ago, I told him I'm not getting my hopes up. We never have as much money as we think we will.

I really liked my job at first. I loved working with dogs. I didn't mind that I came home tired and sore everyday. But now that I'm getting promoted to full-time, they've got me working the front desk, and I really don't want to do this much longer. I can handle it now, but I still dread going to work. I've got the skills and I can put reception work on a resume now, but I'm looking for jobs in my field again. They have an ad online for a "front desk associate" and they have it listed as $12/hr. I'll only be making $10/hr when I get promoted, and I really don't want to do a job I hate for less money than the job is worth. I'd hate to leave my job as soon as I start getting benefits (and I won't leave it until I have another better-paying job lined up), but I've got to support myself without struggling at some point.

And I've got to get to the point where my money alone can carry me. It can't be "our" money forever. Jonah is absolutely set on moving to Texas at the end of August/beginning of September. He said he'll stay in Tennessee if I find a "big girl" job or if he gets a management position at his job. Honestly, I don't believe it. I think he'll go to Texas anyway. His plans still include me going to Texas with him. I have half-heartedly looked for jobs there, but I have never and will never want to live in Texas. So if he doesn't stay in Tennessee in 2-3 months from now, I guess that will be that...

The only way I'll move to Texas is if I get some sort of badass job there. And by the way my job search has gone in the past, I seriously doubt I'll find one. I would need the job BEFORE moving there, and I don't see many places willing to risk hiring someone who isn't currently living in their state.

So, his goal is for us to be out of this hole by next month. My goal is to be out of this hole by September when I'll likely have to be alone.

Don't get comfortable; don't be sensible

(I know I'm talking about the same thing over and over again, and I will keep talking about the same thing over and over again until it quits bothering me. And, oh, am I bothered).

I just don't know if I'm happy anymore. And the fact that I "don't know" means I'm not. If I were, I'd know...

My self-worth is very fragile, I've realized. I can usually maintain a healthy sense of worth when it's just me, but relationships always fuck it up.

Don't get me wrong; I don't feel truly lost or hopeless or worthless. Just down in the dumps. I have thoughts that I feel guilty about. At least, I try to suppress them. Thoughts of it ending. I feel likev I'm irrational (a common feeling with me) and overreacting, emotionally. I'm not reacting at all on the outside, which is a reaction in itself. I know I'm becoming distant, but it's less exhausting than pretending.

I know it will all come out eventually. Something will happen and I'll get mad and spill my guts. Jonah will recognize his faults and things will change for the better. Right? Probably. But only temporarily. If history reallyrepeats itself--and it does-- things will eventually go back to the way they were.

I tell every person I get into a relationship with the same thing: don't get comfortable. Don't get complacent. And most of all, never assume anything is a safe bet. The last thing I am is desperate, and I won't settle with dishonesty. You're lucky if I've settled at all.

And maybe I'm just having a bad night. Maybe I'm just venting out my bad mood.

Whatever.

A dangerous game

I meant to publish that last post a few days ago, but I guess it decided to save as a draft instead.

I'm feeling a lot of old feelings that I'd hoped I'd never have to feel again... Feelings of being torn. Constantly asking myself "Am I wrong?" I don't know why this always happens. There is a dangerous game going on, and, as usual, I'm not the one who started it. I feel like I've been pretty darn good these last 7 months. Really.

Jonah constantly reminds me he loves me, but I really don't feel like he's happy. And, as with old times, I always wonder if he's trying to convince me or convince himself. Again, I want to say I'm confident that he does, but...

It's the same thing(s) I've been talking about. It's not like it's subsiding. If anything, it's just going to keep happening more and more, and he's going to continue to be secretive about it. I know he's not cheating, and I don't think he would, but why all this reaching out? Why now? God help me if he ever did cheat though... And I don't even believe in God. That's how much help I would need. That's how much help we would all need.

I want to be good. I want to better. Better than I was before and to be the better man. And right now I am still the better man. But I always want to treat people how they treat me. That means spite. That means revenge. And we've all been here long enough to know that my version of revenge is solely to make myself feel better, not to make the other person feel bad. My version of revenge typically doesn't involve the other person ever even knowing that it happened.

It's like, I want to do things behind his back solely out of spite. I have no desire to do these things otherwise. Maybe I should go back to my hometown and text my exes to see if they will be around (that's where Jonah is at tonight. He went back home for the night to visit his childhood friend, but don't think I didn't notice him texting an ex-girlfriend asking if she'd be around... not even the SAME one that he has been talking to!).

And then there is still the drugs.

I just don't get it. I don't understand why.

All I know is that it makes me feel bad.

Can't fight this sinking feeling... but I'm feeling fine.

Jonah and I saw Ghost the other night (former Ghost B.C.). It was a good show. He got obnoxiously drunk though. After we had gotten home and were eating disgusting fast food, he had made some remark that by dating me he was robbing the cradle. The remark didn't bother me, but his obnoxiousness all night had already annoyed me, so for some reason I decided to dispute his claim. I told him he's actually one of the youngest people I've been with, which is true. He is 24 (will be 25 in a few days). I told him that I've been with a person who is now 31 (Jack, but I didn't disclose any other details about this person other than his age). And that just set Jonah off. He said he was disgusted and couldn't finish his food. I felt disgustingly judged, so I went to bed. When he came to bed, too, he said, "You're in bed already?" After I said yes, he said, "I don't like hearing about who you've been with." I responded with, "I don't like hearing about how great your ex is and how I'm going to meet her." His reply didn't help him at all. He said, "She's not great... she's getting better." I responded with silence.

The next morning I woke up at 6am and started thinking about all of that. I felt like Jonah was disgusted with me, and I couldn't handle it. I had an anxiety attack. I was nauseated and couldn't breathe and my eyes watered up. After about an hour of this, I wrapped a pillow around my head. Jonah asked what's wrong, and I told him I couldn't sleep. After he held me, I told him I thought I was having a panic attack or an anxiety attack. He stayed in bed with me until I felt better. He was late for work. I never fell back to sleep.

He was still a little drunk that morning before he went to work. He texted me asking how I was feeling. The conversation went as follows:

Jonah: How are you feeling?
Me: I'm feeling better.
Jonah: Good. Wake me up next time, please. No need to suffer on your own.
Me: It wasn't your problem. Plus you were hungover.
Jonah: It is if it's your problem. The rare occasions I get a cold, I make it your problem. I make you take care of me. :) I wasn't hungover. I was a little drunk. I woke up at 6 and couldn't go back to sleep til 7. I've been drinking too much lately. I might be going through something. Maybe a cry for help.
Me: You think? Are you stressed about anything in particular?
Jonah: Ha, idk. I'm not stressed or anything. Maybe it's subconscious. But I used to be alcohol-free 7-8 months ago. Now I'm not only getting drunk on weekends but also weekdays. I need to stop drinking.
Me: I've been drinking way more than usual too.
Jonah: Are you going through something? Something on your mind?
Me: I don't know. I never feel like I drink to drown problems. I feel like I'm just having fun usually. But like you said, maybe it's something subconscious.
Jonah: Maybe you're getting tired of me.
Me: Am not. Are you getting tired of me?
Jonah: Not even a little :). You know I looove you! I told you you're stuck with me forever.

It seems he knows something may be wrong. But I don't even know if something is wrong yet. He knows I'm not good at talking about things, but he's better than most people at presenting me with opportunities to speak my mind. So maybe he'll get it out of me. Whatever it is.