You're Not the Only One

I house sat for Nikki this weekend. It was cool. I kept her animals fed.

I'm still debating whether I should tell you certain things... There are new things happening. There's obviously new people.

I'm still waiting for anyone to hang out with me without having sex on the back of his mind.

And I think I'm realizing my tendencies towards body dysmorphia. I mean that in the most minor sense possible. I don't see anything bad; I just don't see what you see, and I don't think I ever will. I don't like the attention that I receive—at least not where it's focused.

I have fantasies of accidents that will dismember my face or my body. And that's the most private thing I'm willing to admit right now. And I feel terrible about all of it.

I don't like a lot of things right now. Even during the good things, I have lapses of severe doubt and asking myself, "What am I doing?" I got asked repeatedly "Are you okay?" yesterday, and I didn't know what kind of not-okay vibes I was giving off.

And I hate that I have a certain effect on people, and they can't turn it off... I can't turn it off!

I just hope this summer ends well.

I am more or less alive

I'm good at dealing with things on my own.

I think I'm getting depressed again. I'm trying to fight it, but my life is just really weird right now.

I should talk about what has been going on in my life for the last couple months, I know, but at this point I'm not sure if I'll ever get around to it. There are things that I definitely need to talk about about as they will be continuing parts of my life for awhile.

For now, I am done with school and am currently living in Nashville. I am doing one internship and working out the details to get on at another one. I know this is half the reason I have felt discontented lately - big changes always do this to me. The other half is a plethora of things that I don't even want to say here. I'll probably make a private post just for myself to get those things down, or maybe I'll say "fuck it" and let you in on it, too.

Stupid Me

I've got so many god damn secrets.

I'm fucking up so much lately.

My body needs to rest.

I don't want you to know his fucking name.

Stupid shower
Stupid hair
Stupid sweat
Stupid me
Stupid me
Stupid me

Miss Mary, Mary, quite contrary: no, you won't be this pretty forever. Because Miss Mary, Mary, things will get hairy; drug habits make it hard to keep a body together."

I'm not on any substances, but I appear to have a problem saying "no." I'm being pulled in all different directions, and I'm letting some of them win.

I'll get through this.

050615

I'm so close to a nervous breakdown.