I am more or less alive

I'm good at dealing with things on my own.

I think I'm getting depressed again. I'm trying to fight it, but my life is just really weird right now.

I should talk about what has been going on in my life for the last couple months, I know, but at this point I'm not sure if I'll ever get around to it. There are things that I definitely need to talk about about as they will be continuing parts of my life for awhile.

For now, I am done with school and am currently living in Nashville. I am doing one internship and working out the details to get on at another one. I know this is half the reason I have felt discontented lately - big changes always do this to me. The other half is a plethora of things that I don't even want to say here. I'll probably make a private post just for myself to get those things down, or maybe I'll say "fuck it" and let you in on it, too.

Stupid Me

I've got so many god damn secrets.

I'm fucking up so much lately.

My body needs to rest.

I don't want you to know his fucking name.

Stupid shower
Stupid hair
Stupid sweat
Stupid me
Stupid me
Stupid me

Miss Mary, Mary, quite contrary: no, you won't be this pretty forever. Because Miss Mary, Mary, things will get hairy; drug habits make it hard to keep a body together."

I'm not on any substances, but I appear to have a problem saying "no." I'm being pulled in all different directions, and I'm letting some of them win.

I'll get through this.

050615

I'm so close to a nervous breakdown.

Used

I haven't updated for two reasons: 1) I've been ridiculously busy every single day and there has been a lot going on, which leads me to 2) the amount of things I need to talk about is so overwhelming and will take me so long to write, that I've been putting it off. The problem with putting off is that the list just gets longer every day (because discussionable things have been happening everyday). Discussionable is not a word, but I'm too tired to think of a real one that gets the same point across.

I swear I'm going to update here soon. I need to.

One thing I want to touch on real quick, though, is this: As cliche as it is to say, I am so tired of being this object. I sent this to Michael the other night:

Lately, due to recent events (rather, months-long events now), I have perceived myself as a different person. And in my mind, I feel like I'm more open to those things. But when those things seem like they can become a reality, I find myself second-guessing and not as comfortable with the idea of actually following through with them. So, at the time I wrote that post, I thought, "Yeah, probably." But when I realized you would see it, I didn't want you to have the same thoughts because somehow that would solidify it, and I didn't want that kind of pressure or elephant in the room.

At my core, I am not this person I have perceived. I know I temporarily, at least mentally, became this deviant. And, for a minute, I'd say it made me feel empowered. But as it has progressed, I've grown more and more uncomfortable with, essentially, what I've become. I am glad, however, that I didn't let it go as far as I felt it was going to go. I'm always thinking about everything all the time, especially introspectively. It's the idealist in me, the part of me that's separated from reality, but I always see myself as these characters in my head. And for a minute I was the confident, anything-goes The Rebel, The Ruler... And I know it was all a reaction to my sadness. I, for the most part, know how the world works, but I get disillusioned so very easily.

When I was in a more fiery mindset, I talked to people I shouldn't have in ways I definitely shouldn't have. And now, they perceive me as that temporary person that I was. And now they expect things from me that my current character doesn't want to deliver. And now... these expectations make me feel empty.

I'm going to see Circa Survive and Balance & Composure tomorrow. I'm going with N because he is the only other person I know who is really into Circa. The problem is that he seems to expect it to be more than a friendly hangout at a show. I appreciate that he is blunt about his thoughts because it allows me to be blunt right back. He was explicitly asking about the possibility of what might happen when we are together, and I directly told him it isn't going to happen. I know after the show it's going to be very late, and I know I'm going to have to stay up even later to get last-minute schoolwork done. But on top of all of that, I just don't want to.

And you know what else? Matt's sister came over (for Cage's memorial, which I'll talk more about in my next post), and Jack told me that she had asked him afterward if I was Jack's "bootycall." I don't know how he answered the question, but I'm assuming it was an affirmative. Honestly, I don't care. It just makes me feel exactly what I am: used.

Lately, I prefer and, more importantly, desire the company of girls.

(I'm sorry this reads so pretentiously - some weird writing mood that I'm in).